When's the right time to put a parent in a assisted living home?

BigLeftyinAZ

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My dad has been living with my wife and I since 2003.He had a serious brain injury that required surgery.He is prone to seizures cause of this and He also is consider to have an altered state of mind. him being an alcoholic doesn't help. In 05 he had hip surgery due to a fall,probably cause of a seizure.

Now, in 2010 he has shattered his shoulder due to a fall more then likely due to another seizure on the same side of the broken hip.

We know his recovery from this will be difficult and tiresome. I'm almost positive he will keep drinking and will be a handful to handle. He is a very independent type of person and stubborn .

We both know that if we put him into a home,he will still wonder off alone and may get lost.

I'm just not sure if he is ready for this and I'm also not sure if we can handle the extra headaches cause by this.He will require more supervision then I can provide at this time.

Is an assisted living facility my only choice?
 
My grandmother was stubborn and ornery, but the dementia got to be more than we could handle. We found several homes in the area that allowed her to have more of an apartment than just a dorm room, so she could have some independence, but still be supervised. THey also had security, so that none of the tenants could get out and get hurt (the patients had a necklace, bracelet or anklet depending on their risk level) It also got her into a more social environment.
 
My dad has been living with my wife and I since 2003.He had a serious brain injury that required surgery.He is prone to seizures cause of this and He also is consider to have an altered state of mind. him being an alcoholic doesn't help. In 05 he had hip surgery due to a fall,probably cause of a seizure.

Now, in 2010 he has shattered his shoulder due to a fall more then likely due to another seizure on the same side of the broken hip.

We know his recovery from this will be difficult and tiresome. I'm almost positive he will keep drinking and will be a handful to handle. He is a very independent type of person and stubborn .

We both know that if we put him into a home,he will still wonder off alone and may get lost.

I'm just not sure if he is ready for this and I'm also not sure if we can handle the extra headaches cause by this.He will require more supervision then I can provide at this time.

Is an assisted living facility my only choice?

God Bless You Lefty, this is a difficult situation. Hopefully, the facility is in now has a good patient care rep that can advise you. If not, the local dept of social services or office of the aging should have someone you can find that can give you all the available options. In our area, there are several adult respite homes, which is glorified day care for seniors, often covered by insurance. If you do not get any help from any of these agencies, do not hesitate to b*tch and demand to talk to a supervisor. It is your tax dollars paying for these people in one way or another.

Finally, let me preface what I am going to say by telling you I have all the empathy in word for people struggling with addictions from personal experience. The probability of getting him to stop drinking is very low. The combination of factors you have listed is a tremendous burden for anyone. Do your very best to find a real expert on geriatric care and get the best advice you can. I suspect you have a pretty good idea what the answer is, but you need objective advice to reinforce your option. I am sure I am not the only member of THP that will say a prayer for you and your family.
 
Lefty - An assisted living facility may not take him. He may need more care than that.
 
We thought about this for my fathers mother. She is 101 now and refused. She did compromise and that is she has someone that lives with her now and takes care of her. The cost was higher but not by as much as everybody thought. In home care with the right person worked out well.

Not sure if it would work in this situation, but something to think about.
 
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This is a personal matter and I'm glad I won't have to make a decision like this.I hope whatever decision you make doesn't take too much of an emotional toll on you.I can't give any advice but just prayers and hope the best for you.
 
My Wife and I went through similar thing. I do not have time to post now, but will later. Or if you like you could PM me. It's a difficult situation. I can tell you how we handled it, how it progressed through the years, and even how we feel now after my mother has passed.

Kevin
 
So very sorry that you are having to go through this. I (luckily) have not had to go through this yet, but know that it must be a struggle. Do your best to stay positive, and talk to many different care providers. You will eventually find one who gives you the best advice.
 
I think you may be asking the wrong group of people. Why not ask your family and family Dr.

Whatever the outcome i dont envy you.
 
This is tough, Lefty.

Assisted Living may or may not be what you're looking for. Typically, that focuses on what are called the six activities of daily living: bathing, dressing, toileting. continence, transferring between a bed and a chair, and feeding. Assisted living provides aides who help with those activities, and can go well beyond that. But typically, it doesn't deal with rehab, dementia, substance, abuse, etc.

I take it there's no long term care insurance involved?

You probably are looking at a facility (unless you want yet another person in your home), but look beyond assisted living. There isn't a neat box for your situation. Good luck.
 
Thats a tough decision and there is no right answer. It depends upon the situation and the people involved.
IMO, if it reaches the point where a parent needs more care, time and attention than you can give them, it may be time to consider assisted living.
 
Re: When's the right time to put a parent in a assisted living home?

I feel for you. Having met your Dad, i understand even more what a hard decision is facing you and your wife. I hope you can find a place that offers what he needs. My grandmother reached the point at 101 where she was too much for my Mom to handle and we moved her into a home. It was difficult emotionally, but we knew it was really the only viable choice.


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Big Lefty, I'm sure you have a lot of feelings running through your mind. Not only is it important that your Dad be well cared for and safe, but it is important that you and your Wife, and kids if you have them, are also in a situation that allows you to be happy. As you well know, taking care of a parent can be a very difficult and draining experience.

My Wife, Daughter, and I did it for almost five years, a shorter period than you and your family, and it really took it's toll on us. As her health deteriorated, so did our family life, and we had good support from other family members. I obviously do not know your support situation, but without help it would seem to me it can become impossible to care for an adult with serious health issues, and still have a life of your own.

It's a tough decision, make sure you consider your own and your family's well being when you make it. Good luck to you.

Kevin
 
Sorry to hear of your dilema BigLefty.
 
My wife and I have both experienced the dilemna of putting our parents into an assisted living facility. Its not easy, and I feel your pain.

Her parents agreed to the move 2-3 years too late. They were in their mid 80's. By the time they moved into Assisted Living, he was well into Alzheimer's, and she was legally blind with Macular Degeneration. How they survived the two years prior to their move we'll never know (prayers and constant visits by me and my wife). They have both since passed away - my FIL first, and my MIL just a couple of months ago.

My parents had most of their "faculties" when they agreed to move into an assisted living facility - they were in their mid 80's. The house they were living in was just way too big for them to upkeep, and cooking cleaning was a chore - as much as we children tried to help out. Mom lasted a couple of years, and dad lasted 5 years and passed away at the age of 92.

One thing I've learned after having experienced four "parents" in assisted living is that none of them ever provide enough care, no matter their reputation or price. The help is underpaid and the nurses are understaffed. Everything extra has an added price as the level of care increases. In the case of my MIL and FIL, we had to supplement their in-house care with private on-site care givers.

Good luck to you and your family Big Lefty.
 
Just an update on the hellish last 2 weeks.

He went into hospital Jan 2nd. Due do him detoxing ,surgery was postpone to Jan 7th.Well that day came and went with no surgery due to Emergency's taken priority. They discharged him that day with surgery scheduled for monday the 11th. Claimed there was no need to stay in hospital over the weekend.Even though He was unstable on his feet.

Well, over the weekend he was on the floor well over 6 times, Sunday night around 11:15 he ws on the floor again.This time we were unable to get him up and into bed.We all agreed on putting a pillow under his head and giving him a blanket to keep warm and sleep on the floor and would try again to get him off the floor in the morning.Amazing when we went into his room for his 6:30 pill he was up and sitting in a chair.

We took turns with giving his new medicine at 12:30am and 6:30am,made for very little sleep.

Surgery went well on Monday according to the Doc.His strength has been getting better slowly,and the severe pain has now subsided.The shoulder pain feels better,he just has soreness from the surgery now.

He was released today and put into a rehab facility for his shoulder and to rehab his strength.

When he gets released from that approx 1-2 weeks maybe longer,the real fun will begin.If I didn't have grey hair, I will now. :)

We talked breifly about his alcohol issue,but know that his sobriety won't last.It's been great to have him sober for the last week.
 
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I don't envy you, Lefty. The whole aging parent thing is really, really hard. I can't imagine how much harder on everyone the alcohol makes it.
 
Sorry to hear about this.

My grandma, who passed away this year, spent her last six months in an rehabilitation center/nursing home. It was very hard to see her there, but she wasn't "alone" very often because we spent so much time there. She made a lot of friends and seemed to regain a little of her social side. Before that, she was basically a shut in. My mom lived with and took care of her, but she also had to work.

The question that we asked was: Is being in the home a hazard to her health? At that point it was. She had suffered a few falls and ended up breaking her hip. She wasn't able to care for herself and we couldn't be with her 24/7. It sounds like your situation is a little different, but it's a good question to ask yourself.

Hope it all works out for you.
 
We hate to see anybody go through this at any time. Kudos to you for handling it the way you are. Just know that you have an entire audience/family here pulling for you and if you need to vent, THP is always here. Good luck!
 
BigLefty - Keep asking the medical professionals that you encounter - someone will have the answer for you. In CA, we have what are called "skilled nursing facilities", where care is offered beyond what assisted living provides. RNs are on staff and MDs are seen on site. You might ask about that type of place for your Dad.
 
I am sorry to hear about your dad. If he is still in rehab there should be a social worker who can assist you with what the best option is for both your father and your family. Talk to the people there, including the OT and PT who are treating him, they are going to be the people who give you the best answers about his safety and needs at home.
It is a very tough decision, but having all the information about what is available for your dad and the advice of the medical people around him is the best of a tough situation.
 
Were all with you BigLefty. I went through something a bit different, yet similar. My dad was a divorced alcoholic and lived by himself in a small community several hours from any of us kids. He fell off a ladder latter in life landing flat footed and being a large man, he crush and broke about everything. We went through hell trying to take care of him, but he simply refused to leave his house. Luckily for us he had a lot of close friends to be there everyday checking on him and getting what he needed when one of us couldn't go.

Good luck to you, were all hoping for the best.
 
The right time to put your parents in a assisted living home is that, when you think that your parents now really need some special facilities to live their lives comfortably. As there some very nice and reasonably priced assisted living homes are available around some countries. Who are providing all five star luxuries facilities along with 24/7 nursing facility.
 
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My mother, Della Lundquist, was a resident of the Care Center from 1/15 until 9/16, and she loved it there. There were activities going on every single day, the food was good and the staff was so caring and dedicated. They kept us informed of any changes in her or her routine. We felt like the Three Links staff was part of our family, and we knew she was being well-taken care of! It was a wonderful place for her to spend the last of her 105 years.
 
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