Human Contact Spreads PC Viruses

Human Contact Spreads PC Viruses
March 26, 2008
by A.C. Feafunnoll

The federal Centers for Disease Control (CDC) and National Science Foundation (NSF) have issued a stunning joint announcement: PC viruses, worms, and spyware can now be transmitted via human contact.

Researchers at Virginia have isolated roughly 100 cases of systems infected by human contact, the two agencies said at a press conference at NSF headquarters in Arlington, Virginia. The mode of transmission? Each system's user had physical contact with another user whose system was known to be infected. The level of contact was found to be as brief as a handshake. One researcher, Avril Hidokwon, said she documented a case where the Netsky.P virus spread to 12 systems via a sneeze.

Scientists have long held that electronic viruses could not possibly spread unless there was some sort of digital (wired or wireless) connection between the infected PC and the victim systems (or the victim systems and servers). "What we did not account for," explained Hidokwon at the hastily organized joint press conference, "was nanotechnology."

Apparently these PC viruses, Trojan horses, and pieces of spyware are not simply floating on air or clinging to people's hands; they're actually being transported via nanobots—tiny robots that may be no more than a molecule in size and are capable of carrying out simple instructions. There is already a cell-sized robot that can walk on its own. But these virus bots are, according to the CDC's Earl Leis, an accident.

"We believe that the first infections originated in California," Leis explained. According to a statement handed out to journalists at the Arlington press conference, two scientists in Southern California, Daniel Banner and Petrona Parker, reported in January that about 140,000 nanobots that had been developed to deliver insulin to diabetics via the bloodstream had been lost in their lab. The NSF noted the incident but did not report it to any other government body. "We assumed," said the NSF's Charlene Crykit, "that the bots would simply run out of power and die. That, obviously, never happened."

The current theory holds that the bots affixed themselves to biohazardous material that was disposed of by the lab. Then, during California's recent rainstorms, the bots used the sewer systems to spread and, possibly, propagate.

The NSF and CDC, however, are at a loss to figure out how the bots got from the sewers to computers. "One theory," said the CDC's Leis, "is that some runoff made it to the California water-filtration plants and eventually got into the drinking supply." As for how the infected water made in into an infected PC, Leis theorizes that "someone accidentally spilled drinking water on his or her keyboard."

"I'm not at all surprised," said PC industry watcher and longtime PCMag.com columnist John C. Dvorak. "It was bound to happen. All of our systems are rife with spyware, and many, many of them have hidden viruses." Dvorak even has a theory on how the infected nanobots got back out of the infected system and onto the first human carrier, "Some idiot burned a CD or DVD and then took it out of the &&^%*&!-up system. The %#&*! bots then went directly from the surface of the optical disk to some poor schlub's hands. Most of these idiots don't even bother to wash their hands after using the bathroom. He probably wiped his hand right across his face and inhaled the suckers. The rest is history. Sheesh!"

For now, the CDC and NSF believe that the outbreak is confined to Southern California, New Mexico, Utah, New York City, and Delaware. They're asking computer users in those states and municipalities to shut down all of their systems and servers for 72 hours. Trapped in the systems without any light, moisture, or electricity, the system-bots should die within 24 to 72 hours, the agencies said. As for bodily contact, users in the afflicted areas should bathe themselves, family members, and even pets in kosher salt baths. That will make the bots gorge themselves on diluted salt and die within 26 minutes, say the California researchers who developed them. Companies in affected states should close down their offices, contact a haz-mat team, and have them sweep for infections.

For instructions on how you can decontaminate yourself and your PC and also avoid infection, click here.

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What began as one man's frustration is slowly turning into a more serious movement that merits our serious attention.

Several months ago, Adam Winter of Saginaw, Mich., grew more and more angry. He is a man who has two loves — pro football and animals — and as the Detroit Lions continued to lose games, Winter became increasingly upset that the magnificent lion should be associated with such a woebegone franchise.

When Detroit — that is, the Lions — finished this past season without a victory, Winter prevailed on his state senator to introduce a bill in the Michigan Legislature that would ban the Detroit franchise from exploiting the nickname of the lion. The rationale: It's unfair to insult a proud beast that is unable to defend its own good name.

In Glen Burnie, Md., Lauren Spencer heard about this and went to her state representative, asking that a similar bill be enacted in Annapolis, preventing the Baltimore baseball team from exploiting the brilliant oriole.
Spencer even wanted the bill to prevent the Baltimore franchise from using the bird's striking orange and black colors for its uniforms, but it was ruled that whereas the oriole itself should be protected from the damage to its reputation, orange and black were colors in the public domain and beyond any statute enforcement.

Similar bills were soon put in the hopper in Tennessee, where the noble grizzly bear has been insulted for years by the Memphis basketball team, and in Arizona, where the beautiful cardinal had become a figure of fun because of the disreputable football franchise. The recent surprise success of the Cardinals did, however, result in that bill's being temporarily bottled up in committee.

Moreover, now some devoted animal defenders from the Humane Society and PETA have formed an organization named STEAM — that's an acronym for Stop Teams Everywhere from Animal Mascots — with the intent of creating federal fish and wildlife legislation to halt all sports franchises from appropriating God's creatures as their nicknames.

As the organization's president, Constance Bloodgood, says, "This year's Detroit Lion is last year's Tampa Bay Devil Ray. No animal deserves to be associated with the potential ignominy of defeat. It's time for human beings to stop insulting all the beasts of the field."

I can only say, hooray. It's about time our animal friends had such protection from gratuitous injustice. And also ... April Fool!

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JB said:

I love Mr. Deford.

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Craig Mac said:

I knew someone would do one today, should have know it would be you, all though I thought it would be Harry.

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worst_shot_ever said:

I have a feeling we're in store for several of these. I'm looking forward to Harry's as well.

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