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The dad joke thread

I have a serious condition that prevents me from going on a diet.....

It is called hunger
 
Why was the math book so sad?

Because it had so many problems. :LOL:
 
What did Tennessee? The same thing that Arkansas!
 
How do planets clean themselves?

They take a meteor shower! o_O
 
I got called 'pretty' today!

Well, actually the full statement was 'You're pretty annoying', but I only focus on positive things
 
Every time my wife and I go out to dinner she bewitches me.

Just before we leave she heads for the bedroom and tells me, "Be witch you in five minutes"
 
My wife said, "I just need two minutes to finish my makeup and we can go,"

I said, "That's okay. There are two minutes left in this basketball game."
 
Reframmellator said:
My wife said, "I just need two minutes to finish my makeup and we can go,"

I said, "That's okay. There are two minutes left in this basketball game."
Click to expand...

That was a slam dunk! :)
 
Russian scientist bragging the USSR was first nation in space.
American scientist bragging the USA was first nation to the Moon.
Irish scientists announces they will be first to the Sun
American & Russian both say "You can't do that, the rocket will burn up"
Irish scientist "No, not if we go at night
 
Has anyone ever noticed that more people try to fool you when it is winter out than any other time of the year?

It's called a snow job. o_O
 
 
Michael Moore walked into a sports bar late one evening. He sat down next to Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez at the bar and stared up at the TV as the 10:00 news came on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

Alexandria looked at him and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"

Michael says, "You know what, I bet he will."

Alexandria replied, "Well, I bet he won't."

Michael placed two $20s on the bar and said, "You're on!"

Just as she placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death.

She was very upset and handed her $40 to him, saying, "Fair's fair... Here's your money."

He replied, "I can't take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump."

Alexandria replies, "I did too, but I didn't think he'd do it again."
 
buckeyewalt said:
Michael Moore walked into a sports bar late one evening. He sat down next to Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez at the bar and stared up at the TV as the 10:00 news came on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

Alexandria looked at him and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"

Michael says, "You know what, I bet he will."

Alexandria replied, "Well, I bet he won't."

Michael placed two $20s on the bar and said, "You're on!"

Just as she placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death.

She was very upset and handed her $40 to him, saying, "Fair's fair... Here's your money."

He replied, "I can't take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump."

Alexandria replies, "I did too, but I didn't think he'd do it again."
Click to expand...
Probably best to leave politics out of blonde jokes.
 
Did you hear about the new screw driver that just came on the market. It even comes with instructions.

The instructions read, "Always point the screwdriver down when using. That way you can't screw up."
 
Two cannibals are eating a clown.
One cannibal turns to the other and asks, "This taste funny to you".
 
Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.
 
I got up early this morning and decided to go for a run around the block

After 5 laps, I decided that was enough, so I picked up the block off the floor and put it back in the kids toy box
 
What time is it when the clock strikes 13?

Time to get a new clock.....o_O
 
What do you call a dog with a metal detector?

A gold retriever. :laughing:
 
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