The dad joke thread

What did the buffalo say when his son left?

Bison!

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I was sitting in traffic the other day

Probably why I got run over
 
I almost had a psychic girlfriend once but she broke up with me before we met.
 
How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?

Just one, but the light bulb really has to want to change.
 
How does NASA organize a party?

They planet
 
I bought a 3-D printer today. I told my dad that I could print a gun if I wanted too! He said, "That's no big deal! He's had a Canon printer for years!"
 
What's green and red and goes around a 1,000 mph??

A frog in a blender.

What if you add ice cream??

Frog Nog.

dad!!!
 
I still remember the last thing my Grandpa said to me before he kicked the bucket...

He said, "hey, how far do you think I can kick this bucket?"
 
Guy with no arms and no legs....

Playing with a cat? Claude.

Waterskiing? Skip

In a tub? Dwayne.


My legacy as a teacher is being able to take 45 minutes to tell a joke that ends with a lame pun. One day I’ll document them.
 
When I die I want to go peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. Certainly not screaming wildly like the passengers in his car.
 
What si the difference between a hooker, a mistress and a wife?

Hooker says "Are you done yet?"

Mistress says "You're not done yet"

Wife says "Beige. I think we should paint the ceiling beige."
 
How did the blonde die raking leaves? She fell out of the tree.

Why did the blonde keep taking off the soda's bottle cap and putting it back on? The bottle cap said, "Sorry, try again."

A guy walks into a bar, he sustained a mild concussion.
 
I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.
 
A piece of string walks into a bar and asks for a beer. Bartender says "get out of here, we don't serve strings!"

The string left, wnet outside and tied himself. He then loosened up the top end of himself.

He walked back into the bar and asks for a beer. The bartender says "Aren't you that piece of string that was just in here?" and the string says "No, I'm a frayed knot!"
 
Guy with no arms and no legs....

Playing with a cat? Claude.

Waterskiing? Skip

In a tub? Dwayne.


My legacy as a teacher is being able to take 45 minutes to tell a joke that ends with a lame pun. One day I’ll document them.

In the Ocean? Bob

On the front porch? Matt
 
So if a cow doesn't produce milk, is it a Milk Dud or an udder failure?
 
A horse, a priest and a pirate walk into a bar. Bartender says, "What is this, a joke?"
 
A dog limps into the saloon, takes a look around and says "I'm looking for the man who shot my pa"
 
A huge fight broke out at the seafood restaurant last night! There was battered fish everywhere!!
 
Guy with no arms and no legs....

Playing with a cat? Claude.

Waterskiing? Skip

In a tub? Dwayne.


My legacy as a teacher is being able to take 45 minutes to tell a joke that ends with a lame pun. One day I’ll document them.

An Irish woman with no arms and no legs sitting around the pool?


Wait for it...


















Patty O'Furniture
 
What do you call a woman with one leg? Eileen

What do you call a man with no arms, legs, head, or body? Dick aka Richard
 
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