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Wow....what a gut punch. I'm really hoping the best for you and your kids.
When Life Rears Back and Kicks You In The Gonads
What you are going through is truly my nightmare. I haven't exactly been close to your situation, but I've arrived home before to find all of my clothes thrown into the garage. That episode was more than I ever want to experience again.
I truly feel for you and your boys. I am sure all you want right now is to be with them. I hope you get to do that very soon and very often. Come here to vent any time you need, we are with you.
I truly feel for you and your boys. I am sure all you want right now is to be with them. I hope you get to do that very soon and very often. Come here to vent any time you need, we are with you.
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- #53
Again fellas I appreciate all the support. We’ve not got along for years, but pretty much had an agreement that we’d stick together until the kids were gone.
I’m not real sure what changed but something surely did. No one is winning, most of all the kids. As much as I love and miss them, I want what’s best for them. Their mom and I obviously have problems, ones I’d hoped to have sorted out after they were out of the house. I just don’t see how ripping them out of the house in the neighborhood they love to move to a city in a different school district is good for them.
Granted for now I still reside in the house so they can go to school where they did before, but if I end up having to move, it’s basically a lottery to get in. I spoke with the school today and they have over 425 open enrollees. It’s the most sought after district in the area and the lady said they receive over 2 times as many applicants, but have to cut it off around that number.
So I hope they are all able to go to school the rest of their years there, but me keeping the house is gonna be really close, just running the numbers on my income and the bills and other debt. Finding a suitable place to rent there or downsizing are going to be difficult, the one thing I have going for me is I’m not in an immediate need to do so. So if I have to I’ll be able to take my time.
Ugh. So much uncertainty. I hope in the end she can be civil about this but so far all I’ve seen is hostility.
I’m not real sure what changed but something surely did. No one is winning, most of all the kids. As much as I love and miss them, I want what’s best for them. Their mom and I obviously have problems, ones I’d hoped to have sorted out after they were out of the house. I just don’t see how ripping them out of the house in the neighborhood they love to move to a city in a different school district is good for them.
Granted for now I still reside in the house so they can go to school where they did before, but if I end up having to move, it’s basically a lottery to get in. I spoke with the school today and they have over 425 open enrollees. It’s the most sought after district in the area and the lady said they receive over 2 times as many applicants, but have to cut it off around that number.
So I hope they are all able to go to school the rest of their years there, but me keeping the house is gonna be really close, just running the numbers on my income and the bills and other debt. Finding a suitable place to rent there or downsizing are going to be difficult, the one thing I have going for me is I’m not in an immediate need to do so. So if I have to I’ll be able to take my time.
Ugh. So much uncertainty. I hope in the end she can be civil about this but so far all I’ve seen is hostility.
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- #55
About to see the attorney... sitting in office now. Hope to have some answers shortly.
Sending good vibes your way!
Best thing you can do it keep your head straight. Emotions can get away. While not easy, keeping yourself between the white lines will pay off later.
Dude I am so sorry, Please take care of yourself and know that you have friends.
Mach2
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So sorry for what you're going through. Stay strong and be loving with your Boys.
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- #61
Lol! Well there are basically three options.
1. We sit down together and work it out. Buy the Dissolution For Dummies book. Spend a minimal amount. This is my preferred method (sorry attorneys!) and I think if she can come into this with a level head, it’ll be in the best interest of our kids.
2. Same as 1 except we invlove a lawyer on each side, cost will be appx 2k. I’m again ok with this option.
3. We go full divorce. According to my attorney he urged me to file for it today. He thinks I have a very good case for custody and at worst I’m looking at shared parenting. This will be expensive (minimum 5k each party) and will be the worst option for the kids. They’ll be subject to interviews that they won’t want. They’ll have no say in where they go and when they go there since it’ll be up to the courts. If she files and goes for custody, I’ll basically have to file for it as well. It’s not that I wouldn’t love custody of them but I want their mom to step up and be involved in their lives too.
So the case I would have for custody is basically 3-fold.
1. She took the kids out of the family home and moved them out of their school district that they went to since Kindergarten. I’ll have to remain in the district for them to continue to go there this year and in subsequent years, there’s about a 50% chance that they’ll be able to continue to go if I’m unable to establish another residence in the district. They have about 800 applicants for open enrollment and only take 400. Going prior counts some, but it’s still not a sure thing. There is little chance I’ll be able to remain in the district if I have to sell the house.
2. She has assualted me many times before, once or twice even in front of the kids. I did NOT call the law, it wasn’t like I was hurt it was more like a “knock it off you’re making a fool of yourself in front of the kids” situation.
3. She has done almost nothing as a parent. Her life consisted of coming home from work and going into her bedroom and watching tv. She didn’t cook, she didn’t clean. That’s all been on my shoulders. I know she loves her kids, but she’s let depression get the best of her, and at some point in time I became the scapegoat for it. She always blamed me and not wanting to be around me for her heading straight into the bedroom. So I’ve asked the kids, does she come out on nights I’m not home? No, not much was their answer.
Again, I want this to end as well as it can. I don’t want to use the nuclear options, that’ll be all up to her. I want to use option 1 above or at the worst, option 2 (which would be silly if we can work it out on our own). If it goes to option 3, no ones going to be happy and I think she’ll probably be least happy of all.
Ugh. This sucks.
Good luck, Smiter. My daughter just went the mediation route and it worked well for them. It helped that that he wanted out and he knew he had shafted her, but it worked well for them.
To be honest, there is nothing you have said in this thread that leads me to believe option 1 will work. I believe you are looking at option 2 or 3. How she left with the kids doesn’t seem like this will be an easy split. I am sorry you are in this situation.
My parents had a nasty divorce when I was 7. I still remember vivid details regarding terrible things that happened before and after the split and my mom passed away 11 years ago. It is tough on everyone and making the kids switch schools is going to make it worse, in my opinion. They need their friends to help them through this and maybe option 2 lawyers can talk her into it as being in the best interest of the kids?
No matter what happens, it will turn out ok. The kids will deal with it even if they must move. I am probably just pointing out the obvious that they would be better off in their school.
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My parents had a nasty divorce when I was 7. I still remember vivid details regarding terrible things that happened before and after the split and my mom passed away 11 years ago. It is tough on everyone and making the kids switch schools is going to make it worse, in my opinion. They need their friends to help them through this and maybe option 2 lawyers can talk her into it as being in the best interest of the kids?
No matter what happens, it will turn out ok. The kids will deal with it even if they must move. I am probably just pointing out the obvious that they would be better off in their school.
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- #64
Yeah supposedly that was their only requirement when she told them about it. Now it only happens if 1. They get lucky in the spring for open enrollment or 2. I stay a Resident. If she gets custody there is zero chance I can keep the house short of winning the lottery based on the estimated mommy/child support my attorney gave me.
They’re only hearing one side of this, which is crap as I’m not bad-mouthing her to them but she is. I’m hating this more and more. I’ve had nasty’ish texts from my two oldest in the past hour or so. My oldest told me to stop being mean to his mom about stupid stuff???? I told him “buddy, sorry you’re being dragged into this but I want you to read every text message sent and received since last Sunday next time I see you”. All it shows is me wanting an amicable end and what’s best for the boys.
So obviously she’s feeding them a line of crap. Which pisses me off because I’ll tell them the truth but even as angry at her I am, I will NOT use the kids as pawns in this. I certainly am not going to tell them blatant lies about her.
Option 3 is looking like it might be the only option.
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Wow, sorry to hear the way this is going, Smiter. I'll be praying for you and your kids.
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- #66
Thanks buddy. I’ll text ya sometime soon. Just got home from work and have to be back in about 8 hours so short night here. Yay! At least that’s normalcy.
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Smiter, I hope nothing but the best for you, your kids and their mom. Mental health is awful thing to lose.
Keep your head up!
Keep your head up!
Sorry to hear Smiter, I am a divorce, am a single dad (although re-married to a much nicer woman) and went through a ton of tough times trying to get there. But I got there and you will too. My situation was nowhere near as traumatic as it was just a breakdown of a 17 year marriage. At first not having the kids was really tough but I would see them every day and eventually they came to like staying with me (lived at my parents, a friend and then got my own place). I did not bash her in front of them but she was a mess. DSS got involved and I got the kids. My only advice FWIW is keep the kids out of the middle of all the crap and there will be lots of it. And do not be nice just for the sake of being nice. It does not pay off and can be used against you big time. Also document everything. Every text, phone call, what the kids say, what the ex does. My ex had a big drinking problem and the kids would tell me that she was passed out or throwing up and I documented all of it.
Getting custody was hard, but I knew I could give the kids a better environment and I did. Also it was in my control, I did not have to pay child support and not know where it was going. It is not easy, but seven years later I am in a much better spot and with somebody who is truly my partner and better half in every way.
Good luck and willing to listen if ever needed
Getting custody was hard, but I knew I could give the kids a better environment and I did. Also it was in my control, I did not have to pay child support and not know where it was going. It is not easy, but seven years later I am in a much better spot and with somebody who is truly my partner and better half in every way.
Good luck and willing to listen if ever needed
Option 3 might be the only option. In MA once the divorce decree is done it is very hard to redo. So don't go cheap if it will hurt you and not get what you want. This may sound cruel but this will be a war. Your Ex sounds very similar to mine and it might be common as a parent. My Ex was depressed and drank and stayed in the bedroom watching TV, she did not work. Everything fell on me. I felt like I was "doing time" until the kids got older. Be civil but also know the law and get all that you legally should.
As somebody else said if she has done all of this there will be no negotiating with her. You can not negotiate with somebody who lacks reason. And by all means if she realizes she made a mistake 6 months from now do not take her back. It sounds like both of you have been unhappy. I did not want to put my kids through the roller coaster of they are back together/no they're not.
Sorry if I sound mean or short, it was 9 years ago and the mess that it was back then was daily, but I always knew it would be better and it steadily got better.
Again best of luck and stay strong!
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- #70
Thanks for the kind words. I’m still trying to wrap my head around the enormity of it all. The kids are coming over tomorrow so at least I’ve got that going for me. I’ve got a reasonably fun day planned hopefully, I asked them what they wanted to do. We usually golf together but the little fella only gets to putt so his enjoyment is limited to that, and I see him being less and less interested in going.
So I asked them if they wanted to go to the beach or go putt-putting. Putt-putt it is FTW! I warned my middle son that he was NOT allowed to bring his own putter (lol!) and we’re all limited to the crappy putters they’ll have there
I think my little fella will have a much more fun time with that than playing 18 on a regular course. My wife holds down a professional job as an accountant, but I just felt sorry for her. I can’t imagine being so depressed that you’d want to lock yourself in your bedroom and just lie there every hour of the week other than the 40 that you work. I’ve got the blues big time right now because of all this but I’m actually doing some things I wouldn’t normally do, not just watching tv all the time. I’m 99.99% sure she doesn’t have any drug or alcohol issues. She does take an anti-depressant which I don’t think has done her much good.
From the boys so far she’s being much more involved in their lives but they’re not even two weeks in. It’ll be interesting to see how much she slips back into her old lifestyle once the newness wears off. I sure hope she doesn’t pick one of them as her scapegoat as she’s done with me for years, like “I’d be happy if it wasn’t for you”. I always said BS, you’re depressed and only you can fix that but it was always more convenient for her to blame me than to look in a mirror.
I don’t know what she’s been whispering into the kids ears about me but I won’t stoop to that level. There’s been a big cooling down on all things dad related with them the past couple days. I don’t know why either. If they choose to explain tomorrow, fine. If not, than I’ll just enjoy the day with them. I can’t believe that all the years of me being a parent and a half would be ignored by them, but I’ll let them come around on their own.
I’m aware that if I wait too long and she files it’ll be bad. I’m not trying to be the nice guy. I’ve insisted over and over to her that we need to meet and discuss this, preferably with a neutral third party to steer it in the right direction. I think she’s going to wig out if she meets with a lawyer and they tell her how much a full divorce is going to cost. She has virtually no credit so I doubt she’ll be able to borrow to pay for it, and I’m 99% certain she hasn’t ferreted away the money without me noticing. But she fooled me once already by coming up with the money to move so maybe she has a way?
There is zero chance for marital reconciliation, none. It’s been dead for years anyways, neither of us want that. She can go her merry (hopefully she’ll achieve merry someday, I don’t hate her-although I’m NOT happy with her-just mainly feel sad for her) way and I’ll go mine. I thought this day would arrive once the kids were gone but it’s come sooner than expected. I just hope that she can sit down and reasonably work this out with me. But by the end of next week I’ll have to take action either way.
I’ll be keeping you and the family in my thoughts. Having seen some of my friends go through this when I was a kid, some advice I can say is what others have said. Don’t drag the kids into it and be yourself. They’ll see the truth eventually, it just might take some time.
Hey smiter I just as thinking, I don't know of things posted on here could be used as evidence in the proceedings.. just fyi/caution
Not that you're saying anything really bad but I don't know what begs considered as slander ya know
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Not that you're saying anything really bad but I don't know what begs considered as slander ya know
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Prudent warning. But everything I've read has been respectful and measured.
Yeah I felt so too, but I don't know how a legal counsel could spin it
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Good luck Smiter and have fun with the kids.