There are some guys you just wish you weren't playing with. Here are a few ... feel free to add your favorite annoying partner.
Did I miss any? Let's hear it.
- Unsolicited golf advice guy - knows exactly how to fix your swing even though you didn't ask. "Here try this."
- The Human Rain Delay - thinks he's honoring the spirit of the game by never picking up. Dragging his foursome thru an agonizing 3 1/2 hour front nine. "Put me down for a 10."
- Cell Phone Guy - has perfected the phone-on-the-shoulder-hitting-the-wedge-shot. Considers the course an extension of his office, home, therapist's couch, etc. "Hey guys, go ahead I gotta take this."
- Cart Girl Schmoozer - convinced he has a shot at the cart girl. "We will take four more beers and one more smile, darlin."
- Parking Lot Guy - Color-coordinated outfit, matching logos and oversized tour bag suggest he's played professionally. Topped drive off the first tee suggests otherwise. "These are the same shoes Tiger wears." (I'm guilty of this one sometimes! :act-up:
- The Air Counter - can't remember his score without reliving every shot in detail. "One in the pond, two drop, three in the bunker, four left it in the bunker ..."
- The Frat Boy - Unable to fathom a round of golf without a steady stream of adult beverages. Idea of restraint is to hold off drinking ... until the second hole. "A few beers will loosen up that swing!"
- Cigar Guy - The easiest golfer to locate on the course thanks to waft of smoke trailing behind him. Oblivious to playing partners struggling for air -- and the ash droppings on his belly. "Straight from Havana, baby." (paging @greekilte @wubears71
- The Sandbagger - The 15 handicap who is somehow playing "much better" than he has in years. Feigns apology when he drops bunker shot within inches of cup, then kicks sand off his shoes like a tour pro. "Guess it's just one of those days."
- Ball Retriever Guy - Never passes a water hazard without his trusty scoop at the ready. Last bought a new sleeve of balls in the late 80s. "Whoa ... a ProV!"
- Oblivious Guy - So preoccupied with his own game never looks for anyone else's ball. When driving a cart, always blows past your ball and heads directly to his. "Enough about me, what do you think of my swing?"
- The Volcano - So preoccupied with his own game never looks for anyone else's ball. When driving a cart, always blows past your ball and heads directly to his. "EXPLETIVE!"
- Delusional Guy - Forces group to wait on every par 5 because he's convinced he can get home in two. Usually gets there in four. "If I really catch it, I can get there."
- Mulligan Guy - Liberally allows himself another whack even when first shot is findable. "Wait, wait, wait ... gotta hit another."
- The Plumb Bobber - The only guy in the group not to notice the foursome behind yelling from the fairway as he lines up his putt for double from every angle imaginable. "Son of a gun, I actually think it goes both ways!"
- Yardage Book Guy - Has to walk off every blade of grass before hitting. After contemplating whether a shot is 176 yards or 178, ends up hitting it 150. "Can't decide if it's a hard 7 or a soft 6?"
- The Cheat - A sympathetic figure when he pushes his tee shot deep into the woods. Not as sympathetic: When he announces his ball somehow stayed in bounds -- with a clear shot to the green! "Better to be lucky than good."
- The Overcelebrater - Treats every holed three footer as if just won the Masters. Has sent multiple playing partners home early thanks to overzealous chest bumping. "Yes SIR!"
- Mr. Magoo - The absent-minded member of your group who leaves an assortment of wedges, towels, and clubhead covers scattered throughout the course. "Doggonnit, where did I leave my 56?"
- The Christopher Columbus - Doggedly searches for lost balls as if they're encrusted in diamonds. Thinks the rest of the group cares as much as him. "I saw it hooking by this tree, so if we all walk this line ..."
- Just Had A Lesson Guy - Always in the midst of a swing overhaul, is awash in new thoughts after a half hour with the assistant pro. "Bear with me guys, Randy has me working on a few things."
- The Clueless Dad - Wants to introduce his young son to the joys of golf, even if it means six hours of misery for everyone else. "Hope you don't mind, Justin here is new to the game."
- The Vanity Handicapper - Self-proclaimed "12" who has trouble breaking 100. "I don't know what's going on with my swing today."
- The Cart Daredevil - Reverts to his inner 13-year-old as soon as he gets behind the wheel of a cart. Has never met a "Cart Path Only" sign that pertains to him. "Man, if only this thing didn't have a governor."
- The Raker - Shamelessly gives himself any putt within earshot of the cup, regardless of what's on the line. "I'll just get this out of the way."
- The Ansel Adams - Incapable of letting a moment pass without trying to capture the perfect photo, whether it's of a person, hole, or squirrel. "Hang on guys, let's get one by the ball washer."
- Rangefinder Guy - Overly reliant on his yardage device, to the extent that he can't fathom anyone navigating a course without it. Painstakingly lasers every shot, no matter the distance. "Wait, I'll give you the exact number."
- The Sulker - Even on the most beautiful days, a series of bad swings causes him to withdraw into his own cloud of misery. Will go holes on end without communicating with the rest of the group. "(In audible mumbling to himself.)"
- Sunscreen Guy - Combination of long-sleeve shirt, bucket hat and 90 SPF makes you feel your own sun protection efforts are woefully insufficient. "Do me a solid ... can you get the back of my legs."
- Overactive Bladder Guy - Only catches fragments of conversations because he's endlessly B lining into woods. "Wow, guess I had too many ice teas."
- The Distracted Boyfriend - Usually in the early stages of a relationship, thinks she actually cares that he's hit three straight fairways. "You are such a natural, are you sure it's your first time."
- The Color Commentator - Has perfected the art of the Roger Maltbie audible whisper. Likes to narrate your three-footer for double as if the Ryder Cup is at stake. "There's really not a lot in the putt, Johnny, but he's got to get it to the hole."
- The Snob - Only slumming at your course because "they're punching the greens at the club." Unfamiliar with the concept of changing shoes in the parking lot. "Looks like our line is ... is that an above ground pool?"
- The Fidgeter - Picks the most inopportune moments for ripping velcro of his glove, opening a bag of potato chips, or trying to jam his irons back into his bag. "My bad .... did that bother you?"
- The Jinx - Thinks he's being nice by telling you this is the best he's seen you play. Only introduces the notion that it can't last. "Someone's going to break 80 for the first time."
- The Rules Nazi - Will call out innocuous violations even in friendly games. Thinks he's doing you a favor by pointing out you're carrying 15 clubs. "No, no ... four in the water, five out, six back in the water ...."
Did I miss any? Let's hear it.
