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One-liners

"Well we're waiting."
"Well the world needs ditch diggers too."
"Thank you very little."
"We have a pool and a pond. Pond be better for you."

I can go on & on! LOL
 
You seem to suffer from diarrhea of the mouth and constipation of the brain.
 
Watching a guy lay fiber optic cable for Golf Channel this weekend a truck engineer said, "I've seen it done better, but never slower."


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We wanting something you couldn't have my grandfather would always say:

If a frog had wings it wouldn't bump it's butt every time it jumped.
 
A guy I played with last week said after missing a putt for par said "I hate missing a 4 footer for par" so I just said "Well, it's still better than missing a 4 footer for bogie."
 
Courtesy of my Dad. "You woke up on the right side of the f*&%ing of the grass today? Then stop your f&*%ing complaining." Ahh to be 84 with no filter.
 
After blowing a tee shot into the woods.." that's soo far right a dog couldn't find your ball if it was wrapped in bacon"
 
shanewu said:
Full Metal Jacket has some of the best one-liners EVER.

"Your ass looks like a hundred and fifty pounds of chewed bubble gum."

"If God wanted you up there He would have miracled your ass up here by now, wouldn't He?"
Click to expand...

Oh man, I forgot about that movie.
"You climb obstacles like old people f^^k"


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My dad used a great one. If you spilled on yourself when drinking he would say "well, drinking is hard". Also work with food or if you trip while walking "walking is hard".

Our football coach used a good one as well. If you were explaining that blocking a certain way wasn't working, he would simply say "then don't do it like that" or "so don't do that".
 
SCme said:
We wanting something you couldn't have my grandfather would always say:

If a frog had wings it wouldn't bump it's butt every time it jumped.
Click to expand...

My mom had one similar:

If wishes were horses, beggars would ride!

and another

I see said the blind man, so he picked up his hammer and saw.
 
Another one from my dad when he was failing from Heart disease and about to get full time care,

"every day you wake up and can wipe your own a$$ is a good day"
 
Life is hard. But it's harder when you're stupid.

If it was easy, everyone would be doing it.

Don't let your tug boat mouth over take your row boat a))
 
Older guy I use to work with had some good ones.

If I tried any harder, I couldn't give sh*t any less.

Somewhere a village is missing their idiot.
 
100 years from now no one will give a crap..

That green is as hard as an opossums pecker.



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Beer me dos Long Island ice teas por favor- Andrew Bernard(the office)


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You think we're arguing I think we're communicating.

Anytime I have to clean something I like this one.
Time to put some lipstick on the pig.
 
Tadashi70 said:
When I see a loose shot that is sailing away to the right "come back Shane".
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oh shoot. I thought I was the only who said that. :act-up:
 
had a buddy with a million of them: "that's as f-ed up as a soup sandwich" "I'm hungry enough to eat the ass-end out of a skunk"

and 40 things you would love to say out loud at work.

1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of sh!t
2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
3. How about never? Is never good for you?
4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public
5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.
6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a damn word you're saying.
10. Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again...
11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.
12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
13. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't give a damn.
14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.
15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you
16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist
18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
23. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...?
24. Do I look like a people person?
25. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting
26. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?
29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
31. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
33. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1?
34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
35. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
36. Chaos, panic, & disorder-my work here is done.
37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?
38. I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted a salary.
39. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
40. Oh I get it... like humor... but different.
 
Mom did dinner in three phases; serve the food, clear the table, bury the dead."
Dad used to tell me 'always fight fire with fire', which is probably why he got kicked out of the volunteer fire department.
Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.
I read "50 Things to Do Before You Die." I would have thought the obvious one was "Shout for help".
I heard President Ford wrote a golf instruction book "How Not to Hit a Spectator". He could have saved 100 pages by writing "Stop playing golf!"
 
Don't let you bulldog mouth write a check your puppy dog ass can't cash

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What we've got here is...failure to communicate

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Sometime nothin' can be a pretty cool hand

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Archer:

"Phrasing."
"I’m not saying I invented the turtleneck, but I was the first person to realise its potential as a tactical garment."
"I'm scared if I stop all at once, the cumulative hangover will literally kill me."
"Danger zone!"
"Lana, I've never had a deathwish, it's just that I don't believe that I personally even can die."
"Yes, and everyone deserves a trophy just for showing up, and everyone's Kickstarter has merit. Ugh." (Malory)

Parks & Recreation:

"We will get along just fine, though hopefully not too fine, because I am not looking for any new friends. End speech." (Ron Swanson)
"There's only one thing I hate more than lying -- skim milk, which is water that's lying about being milk." (Ron)
"Haha, "Euro-trash," I like that. That is indeed a garbage continent." (Ron)
"You're what keeps me going. You're my "VerizonChipotleExon."" (Andy)
"I don't know what happened! I took it out to play hide and seek, I couldn't find it, and -- oh wait I know what happened." (Andy)
"There must be some mistake...you've accidentally given me the food that my food eats." (Ron)
"Clear alcohols are for rich women on diets." (Ron)
"Crying: acceptable at funerals and the Grand Canyon." (Ron)
"Keep your tears in your eyes where they belong." (Ron)
 
"That'll go over like a fart in church..."
 
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