bigskyirish

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On February 28, we had an unseasonably warm day here. It was a bit windy, but it was in the upper 60s, so my dad and I headed out for our first round of 2016. For most of the round, everything was going great. I was +3 through 13, which, while not mind-blowing, was fairly decent for not having played since early November and there were some birdie holes coming up. My dad wasn't scoring quite as well, but he was hitting the ball much better than he was at the end of last year. On #14, everything changed. After hitting our approaches, and as we were walking up to the green, he had a massive heart attack without any warning at all. We were talking golf one second and he was completely unconscious the next. I performed CPR for about 25 minutes before the paramedics arrived, and they continued both at the course and on the way to the hospital. But he never showed any signs of recovery, and the doctor called the time of death shortly after he arrived. As anyone who knew him would attest, going quickly and painlessly on the golf course is just what he would have wanted, though not so soon. He was 63.

My dad wasn't much of an internet message board person, so he never got to enjoy this great community, but if he would have realized how much of a family it is, he would have loved it. Above all, my dad was a family man. Just about everything he did was so that my siblings and I could have a better life. I was the oldest and when my sister and I left for college within a year of each other, he gave up his country club membership. He never once complained, but I know it was especially hard for him. His grandfather helped found the current version of the club in the mid-50s when a prior version burned down and the only other club in town at the time wouldn't accept him because of his Puerto Rican heritage. So my dad grew up playing there, and turned into a pretty good player. He qualified for the USGA Junior Championship in 1970, and played to a 1-handicap for most of my childhood. For as long as I can remember, he played every Saturday and Sunday morning with the same group, which included his own brother. So walking away couldn't have been simple or easy, because golf was a huge part of his life and always had been. But the only inkling of regret I ever heard from him was that he felt bad not for himself, but because my younger brother wouldn't get to play there as long as the rest of us had.

It was no surprise that my dad gravitated toward golf. He loved tradition. He still lived in the same house where he grew up, and my son sleeps in the same bunk beds that he shared with his brothers in the 1950s and 60s because he wouldn't let my mom get rid of them. My aunt tried to change the stuffing recipe at Thanksgiving one year, and he still made fun of her more than a decade later. He took the same vacation every year in Yellowstone Park, and made sure to have a drink in the same spots at the Old Faithful Lodge and Lake Hotel every time. He was a die hard Notre Dame. He wasn't usually all that optimistic about the Irish's chances of winning (rightfully so for the last 20 years or so), but he loved them enough that my brother and I decided when we were young that we wanted to go there for college. And when we both got accepted, he made it happen somehow.

For quite a few years, my dad played only sporadically, mainly for financial reasons. But I moved back to my hometown in 2008, and we slowly began playing more and more. About two years ago, he joined a different club in town--a hybrid, public/private course with 36 holes--and started falling in love with the game all over again. For the last few years, he and I played together every chance we had. We'd sneak out on nice afternoons when we both should have been working, and we tried to get in at least one round a week when the weather permitted (sometimes even when it didn't). We played in our first tournament together as a team last year and all he talked about since then was playing more often and winning it this year. He wasn't a 1-handicap any more, but he was still as competitive as they come. His best round was a 72 last year, which he shot after realizing that he was 6 strokes down to me with 4 to play. I finished bogey, bogey, par, par for 71, and he rattled off 3 straight birdies and lipped out at the last. In the end though, I think he was more happy about my 71 than he was about his 72. A few weeks later, I broke 70 for the first time and aside from things like weddings and grandchildren, I'm not sure I've ever seen him so proud. Secretly though, I think he was at least a little bit happy that his family record (68 at a much harder course in tournament conditions) was still safe.

More than anything else, he loved to be on the golf course. He would have played every day if life had allowed. He truly enjoyed everything about it. The game itself, the mechanics of the swing, the camaraderie of a regular group, the stories and drinks after a round, everything. On the day he passed away, we had a single pushing us the entire time even though we were stuck behind a fivesome. He wasn't hitting into us, but his approach shots were in the air when we were barely off the green, and he kept driving his cart right up next to us as we were teeing off, which was my dad's biggest pet peeve. As we walked off the 11th tee box, he turned to me and said, "you can tell them at my funeral that the cross I had to bear was always having a**holes in the group behind me." But he said it with a huge smile on his face. Because he even loved the things that irritated him on the golf course, just not always at the moment they were happening.

I've been struggling for the last 3+ weeks, especially when it comes to golf. My dad was not only my best friend, he was my playing partner. In the last 5 years, at least 90% of my rounds have been with my dad. It's going to be hard, but I can't quit playing. Not only would he kill me, but I know that he was ecstatic that my passion for the game has grown so much in the last few years. So my goal now is to become as good as I can be without neglecting my own family. It's going to be a huge stretch financially, but I'm going to try to join the club he had to quit all those years ago. Almost everyone I know who plays is a member, including my uncle, so it's the place I'll probably get out the most and it's the best course in town, which will help me improve. More than that though, I think he'd like the idea that my boys will grow up playing in the same place that both he and I grew up playing. Damn, I wish he'd be there to see it though.
 
There are a lot of parallels that ring true in my life, and thank you for sharing that with us. You will be in my thoughts.
 
Sorry for you loss. 63 is so young. My dad passed away in early February so I know the pain first hand. Just hang on to the great moments and the memories. They last forever.
 
I"m so sorry for your loss Mike. What a great memory for you. Thoughts and Prayers!
 
I am very sorry for your loss. I lost my Dad on October 13, 2015 though he had been dealing with heart failure for the previous 3 years. I still think of him and him not being here anymore still feels like a hole in my life. It was my Dad who got me and my brother into golf as kids. He was never a very good golfer but he loved playing. I took a decade off from playing because I was just too busy and I had hip problems that wouldn't allow me to play without pain. Once I had my hip reconstructed I bought some clubs and started playing again. My Dad was happy that I got back in the game and really wanted to go out with me and my buddies to watch us play, but I was too worried the strain would be to great on him. I also think of him every round and lament the fact that he couldn't go out with us just once. Don't give up the game, your Dad would never want you to and you honor him and his memory every time you play or practice.
 
that's an amazing post big sky. my dad and i don't have much in common. i do think i'd be a better man if i had someone to look up to like you did. my thoughts are with you, and i wish you the best in endeavors to be an amazing father just like yours.
 
So sorry for your loss. You father sounded like a great man. You and your family will be in my prayers


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I couldn't even imagine the shock. Great memories of him and you have our sympathies.
 
That was a beautiful tribute to your Dad. Thanks for sharing it.

My deepest sympathies for your loss.
 
That was beautifully written and told. Sorry for your loss. But treasure all those wonderful memories.
 
Sorry for your loss ... I lost my dad a few years ago, and my life changed drastically, and now I approach life totally different. I still can not talk of those last minutes with my dad alive and what my mom said to him after 61 years of marriage, just too emotional

I feel its something you never get over, but you accept what is and continue from there. Not a day goes by I don't think of my dad in some way ...

Thanks for sharing what I know is a hard story to tell.
 
Sorry for your loss
 
SO sorry for your loss. Your Dad seems like a truly incredible person. I have no doubts that he'll see everything you and your family do.
 
thanks for sharing that story with us. It was a pleasure to read. My thoughts, prayers, and well wishes to you and your family.
 
I'm sorry for the loss of your father.

You guys did it right though man, you have memories that will last forever.
 
So sorry that you have lost your dad. My thoughts and prayers for you and your family. And thank you for sharing such a loving tribute to your dad.
 
I'm very sorry for your loss.
 
What a great post and tribute to your Dad. Thanks for sharing. He sounds like an amazing guy. My heartfelt condolences for your loss.

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Brother I know how it feels to lose your dad way too early. Prayers are with you
 
Very sorry for your loss


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Thanks very much for posting that. My thoughts and prayers go out to you and your family.
 
Condolences to you and your family. Your love for your dad and shared passion for golf come across with power and grace. Thank you for sharing. My dad got me into golf, but he isn't physically able to play anymore. I wish I had started playing again sooner so that we could have played together again.

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I think you are in Billings? One of these days I hope we can get together and play. I'm in Bozeman. My local pass includes free play at Lake Hills. I will head down to play at least once this year.
 
My sympathies. My dad died in 1995 at 67 of complications from a series of small strokes that happened right around the time Mickey Mantle died. Dad was able to say maybe five words in his last three months but his eyes followed everyone and anyone until the last few weeks. He blinked his eyes to tell us yes or no. I drove eight hours to be with him after the strokes started, and most of the time in the car consisted of radio coverage of the Mick's life and what a hero he was, especially from the New York stations. All I know is that when I walked into that hospital room and saw him asleep, I was looking at my hero. The dads here sound the same way - loving, hard-working, sacrificing heroes.

It hurts to lose a loved one any way it happens. To see someone linger and decline is painful all around, but you get to say your goodbyes. To have it happen in an instant is a consolation, but there's the pain of missing that one last chance to say everything. Your tribute tells me you both knew everything you needed to know about your relationship.

It's been over twenty years, and I still miss him terribly, but he's also part of me and my kids. Everyone is different, and you may go through the process differently than others. Just keep going, and don't be afraid to admit that you may need some help to get through it. I needed help, and waited too long to admit it. I missed out on some good things as a consequence.

We're fortunate to have had the dads we had.
 
That was beautiful.

So many parallels to my own father's passing.

Thank you for this.

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