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MO_Hacker

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That is some funny stuff, makes me feel a little bit better about my game. haha
 

TheNewBrad

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Some people may have seen this but for those who haven't ... enjoy!!!

  • Don't buy a putter until you've had a chance to throw it.
  • Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing.
  • When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either hit one more club or two more balls.
  • If you're afraid a full shot might reach the green while the foursome ahead of you is still putting out, you have two options: you can immediately shank a lay-up or you can wait until the green is clear and top a ball halfway there..
  • The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about the golf swing.
  • No matter how bad you are playing, it is always possible to play worse.
  • The inevitable result of any golf lesson is the instant elimination of the one critical unconscious motion that allowed you to compensate for all of your many other errors.
  • If it ain't broke, try changing your grip.
  • Everyone replaces his divot after a perfect approach shot.
  • A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponents' luck.
  • It is surprisingly easy to hole a fifty foot putt. For a 10.
  • Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like expecting him to make fun of his own haircut.
  • Nonchalant putts count the same as chalant putts
  • It's not a gimme if you're still away.
  • The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a straight line that passes directly through the center of a very large tree.
  • There are two kinds of bounces; unfair bounces and bounces just the way you meant to play it.
  • You can hit a two acre fairway 10% of the time and a two inch branch 90% of the time.
  • If you really want to get better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age.
  • Since bad shots come in groups of three, a fourth bad shot is actually the beginning of the next group of three.
  • When you look up, causing an awful shot, you will always look down again at exactly the moment when you ought to start watching the ball if you ever want to see it again.
  • Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make two triple bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe.
  • If you want to hit a 7 iron as far as Tiger Woods does, simply try to lay up just short of a water hazard.
  • To calculate the speed of a player's downswing, multiply the speed of his back-swing by his handicap;
  • I.e., back-swing 20 mph, handicap 15, downswing = 300 mph.
  • There are two things you can learn by stopping your back-swing at the top and checking the position of your hands:
  • How many hands you have and which one is wearing the glove.
  • Hazards attract; fairways repel.
  • You can put a draw on the ball, you can put a fade on the ball, but no golfer can put a straight on the ball.
  • A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours.
  • If there is a ball on the fringe and a ball in the bunker, your ball is in the bunker. If both balls are in the bunker, yours is in the footprint
  • It's easier to get up at 6:00 AM to play golf than at 10:00 to mow the yard
  • Sometimes it seems as though your cup moveâth over.
  • A good drive on the 18th hole has stopped many a golfer from giving up the game.
  • Golf is the perfect thing to do on Sunday because you always end up having to pray a lot.
  • A good golf partner is one who's always slightly worse than you are....that's why I get so many calls to play with friends.
  • That rake by the sand trap is there for golfers who feel guilty about skipping out on lawn work.
  • If there's a storm rolling in, you'll be having the game of your life.
  • Golf balls are like eggs. They're white. They're sold by the dozen. And you need to buy fresh ones each week.
  • A pro-shop gets its name from the fact that you have to have the income of a professional golfer to buy anything in there.
  • It's amazing how a golfer who never helps out around the house will replace his divots, repair his ball marks, and rake his sand traps.
  • If your opponent has trouble remembering whether he shot a six or a seven, he probably shot an eight (or worse).
  • You probably wouldn't look good in a green jacket anyway! A sweatshirt will do just fine.
  • It takes longer to learn to be a good golfer than it does to become a brain surgeon. On the other hand, you don't get to ride around on a cart, drink beer, eat hot dogs and break wind if you are performing brain surgery!
 

ClairefromClare

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You know, Josh, everyone in that clip was wearing really really ugly golf clothes. Possible marketing material? You know--wear really great golf clothes from [brand name] and you won't look like this.

[you may still play like this, but at least you won't look like it]
 

JB

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I think it was because most of those clips seemed like they were from the early 90s or late 80s.
 

ClairefromClare

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I think it was because most of those clips seemed like they were from the early 90s or late 80s.
Are you taking me seriously? :devil: That's your first mistake!
 

bogeyme

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I was watching a show on FSN (Fox Sports Net) Ohio called Josh's Cribbs. It's basically a reality show that follows Cleveland Browns Kick Returner Josh Cribbs. He was sponsoring a golf tournament with other football stars from around the league. They were setting people up with the exploding golf balls. It was pretty funny. Josh was setting one guy up. They were on a par 3 and they were going to play a closest to the pin. So Josh went first to show that nothing funny was going to happen. So he hit a pretty nice shot. Then the other guy teed up his ball. Well somebody got his attention and one of the producers switched his ball with an exploding ball. He hit his shot and was looking for his ball. He didn't even realize that it had exploded and never went anywhere. Everyone else was busting a gut. Then Josh set up his wife. She hit the ball and tried looking for it too. Then she couldn't understand what happened to it. Women. If it doesn't involve shoes or clothes they just don't understand. :smile-big: :banana:
 

TheNewBrad

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... Then Josh set up his wife. She hit the ball and tried looking for it too. Then she couldn't understand what happened to it. Women. If it doesn't involve shoes or clothes they just don't understand. :smile-big: :banana:
I can sense the missiles might be on the way from Claire or Julie. :bomb: I'd take cover. :soldier:
 

bogeyme

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I can sense the missiles might be on the way from Claire or Julie. :bomb: I'd take cover. :soldier:
I'm not too scared YET!!! If I disappear you all will know what happened to me. :beat-up:
 

ClairefromClare

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Women. If it doesn't involve shoes or clothes they just don't understand. :smile-big: :banana:
This is what I get for paying attention to you??!!


(imported smilie, and I use that term loosely)
 

Smallville

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I'm not too scared YET!!! If I disappear you all will know what happened to me. :beat-up:
Is that what happened to Harry?:confused2:

You might start getting worried bogeyme.
 

bogeyme

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This is what I get for paying attention to you??!!


(imported smilie, and I use that term loosely)
Ouch that looks painful. I'm sorry. You know I love you ladies here.

Is that what happened to Harry?:confused2:

You might start getting worried bogeyme.
Harry's gone. :eek: :eek: Maybe we should assemble a search and rescue party. :soldier: :soldier: :soldier:
 

ClairefromClare

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Ouch that looks painful. I'm sorry. You know I love you ladies here.



Harry's gone. :eek: :eek: Maybe we should assemble a search and rescue party. :soldier: :soldier: :soldier:
Awww... and you changed your avatar for me and everything. :blowkiss:

I suppose it's possible Harry has actual work to do? Nah!!:laugh:
 

bogeyme

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Awww... and you changed your avatar for me and everything. :blowkiss:

I suppose it's possible Harry has actual work to do? Nah!!:laugh:
I was thinking maybe we need to check your's or Julie's basement to see if he's been bound and gagged down there.:beat-up:
 
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Smallville

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If Dent was here, the basement might be a possibility!
 

ClairefromClare

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I was thinking maybe we need to check your's or Julie's basement to see if he's been bond and gagged down there.:beat-up:
Maybe that's it--he's been arrested. :messed: I didn't see anyone down there among the Polly Pockets and Legos this morning.


If Dent was here, the basement might be a possibility!
I'm sure Harry would like to see Dent here.
 

bogeyme

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Maybe that's it--he's been arrested. :messed: I didn't see anyone down there among the Polly Pockets and Legos this morning.
He must be at Julie's then. Or he was hiding and hoping to get to play with the Polly Pockets and Legos after you left.
 

julie_m

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Bogeyme, for a guy that b*tches so much about not doing well getting points with women, you sure shoot yourself square in the feet a lot.

Your post doesn't even make sense - the guy looks for his ball, but when the woman does it, she's distracted by shoes? Maybe they looked for their balls cause the prank was stupid and not pulled off well.
"Ha! You've been punked!"
"What?"
"Your ball exploded! You've been punked!"
"Exploded? I didn't hear it."
"But that's why it's gone! I switched it with an exploding ball, and you hit it! Get it?"
"Oh. OK."

Anyhow, I talked to Harry last night, he's doing fine. I think he only comes on these forum things when it's really slow at work.
 

Smallville

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Anyhow, I talked to Harry last night, he's doing fine. I think he only comes on these forum things when it's really slow at work.
That sure is a downer. It was a lot more fun thinking he was locked in someone's basement.
 

bogeyme

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Bogeyme, for a guy that b*tches so much about not doing well getting points with women, you sure shoot yourself square in the feet a lot.

Your post doesn't even make sense - the guy looks for his ball, but when the woman does it, she's distracted by shoes? Maybe they looked for their balls cause the prank was stupid and not pulled off well.
"Ha! You've been punked!"
"What?"
"Your ball exploded! You've been punked!"
"Exploded? I didn't hear it."
"But that's why it's gone! I switched it with an exploding ball, and you hit it! Get it?"
"Oh. OK."

Anyhow, I talked to Harry last night, he's doing fine. I think he only comes on these forum things when it's really slow at work.
I know I'm a fool. Just the way I'm programmed. Sorry. I never said anything about her being distracted by shoes. I said if it doesn't involve shoes or clothes then women don't understand. She couldn't grasp the idea that the ball exploded.
 

julie_m

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I said if it doesn't involve shoes or clothes then women don't understand. She couldn't grasp the idea that the ball exploded.
Right, and you just said the guy didn't understand, either. The prank just seems badly done. So I fail to see how that's a woman thing.
 

heyscuba

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Some people may have seen this but for those who haven't ... enjoy!!!

  • Don't buy a putter until you've had a chance to throw it.
  • Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing.
  • When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either hit one more club or two more balls.
  • If you're afraid a full shot might reach the green while the foursome ahead of you is still putting out, you have two options: you can immediately shank a lay-up or you can wait until the green is clear and top a ball halfway there..
  • The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about the golf swing.
  • No matter how bad you are playing, it is always possible to play worse.
  • The inevitable result of any golf lesson is the instant elimination of the one critical unconscious motion that allowed you to compensate for all of your many other errors.
  • If it ain't broke, try changing your grip.
  • Everyone replaces his divot after a perfect approach shot.
  • A golf match is a test of your skill against your opponents' luck.
  • It is surprisingly easy to hole a fifty foot putt. For a 10.
  • Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like expecting him to make fun of his own haircut.
  • Nonchalant putts count the same as chalant putts
  • It's not a gimme if you're still away.
  • The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a straight line that passes directly through the center of a very large tree.
  • There are two kinds of bounces; unfair bounces and bounces just the way you meant to play it.
  • You can hit a two acre fairway 10% of the time and a two inch branch 90% of the time.
  • If you really want to get better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age.
  • Since bad shots come in groups of three, a fourth bad shot is actually the beginning of the next group of three.
  • When you look up, causing an awful shot, you will always look down again at exactly the moment when you ought to start watching the ball if you ever want to see it again.
  • Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make two triple bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe.
  • If you want to hit a 7 iron as far as Tiger Woods does, simply try to lay up just short of a water hazard.
  • To calculate the speed of a player's downswing, multiply the speed of his back-swing by his handicap;
  • I.e., back-swing 20 mph, handicap 15, downswing = 300 mph.
  • There are two things you can learn by stopping your back-swing at the top and checking the position of your hands:
  • How many hands you have and which one is wearing the glove.
  • Hazards attract; fairways repel.
  • You can put a draw on the ball, you can put a fade on the ball, but no golfer can put a straight on the ball.
  • A ball you can see in the rough from 50 yards away is not yours.
  • If there is a ball on the fringe and a ball in the bunker, your ball is in the bunker. If both balls are in the bunker, yours is in the footprint
  • It's easier to get up at 6:00 AM to play golf than at 10:00 to mow the yard
  • Sometimes it seems as though your cup moveâth over.
  • A good drive on the 18th hole has stopped many a golfer from giving up the game.
  • Golf is the perfect thing to do on Sunday because you always end up having to pray a lot.
  • A good golf partner is one who's always slightly worse than you are....that's why I get so many calls to play with friends.
  • That rake by the sand trap is there for golfers who feel guilty about skipping out on lawn work.
  • If there's a storm rolling in, you'll be having the game of your life.
  • Golf balls are like eggs. They're white. They're sold by the dozen. And you need to buy fresh ones each week.
  • A pro-shop gets its name from the fact that you have to have the income of a professional golfer to buy anything in there.
  • It's amazing how a golfer who never helps out around the house will replace his divots, repair his ball marks, and rake his sand traps.
  • If your opponent has trouble remembering whether he shot a six or a seven, he probably shot an eight (or worse).
  • You probably wouldn't look good in a green jacket anyway! A sweatshirt will do just fine.
  • It takes longer to learn to be a good golfer than it does to become a brain surgeon. On the other hand, you don't get to ride around on a cart, drink beer, eat hot dogs and break wind if you are performing brain surgery!


Smart ass lines to use while playing,...

Golf Quotes,…

After someone dribbles one off the tee I’ll say,…
“you’re standing too close to the ball,… after it’s been hit,…”

Sometimes out of now where, I’ll tell someone “I have 2 pair of pants on,… “
They’ll say “for what,…” and I say “in case I get a ‘hole in one’,…”

To a man on a putt too short,…. “I think you’re hand got caught on your skirt,…”

We all know the one about when someone cranks one straight left and someone says,…
“that’s a Thurman Munson,…..” (Dead yank,…)

When I’m having trouble off the tee I once said,…
“I’m having more trouble with my driver than Princess Dianna,…”

A very high, popped up ball,… “that’s a home run in silo,…”

Another high popper,… say “That’s an E.A.,…..an Elephants Ass,…
It’s high,… and it stinks,…”

Someone hits a fatty and a big chunk of mud comes up,…
“I couldn’t move that much dirt with a shovel,…”

“Golf is like sex,…. You don’t have to be good at it to like it,…”

When someone in the isn’t playing well and you see some other friends on the course and someone says,… “How ya’ll hittin ‘em,,,?”,… and you go,…
“ I’m 5 over,… Bob’s 3 over,… Jim is 6 over and Bill,…. he’s all over,…” (the place)

When some one hits a real bad putt and they are still out, I say,…
USA,… (which means) U still away,…

When you’re at a tournament and a group on a hole near you start’s hooping and hollering real loud,… you yell out,… “nice Bogie,…” (they get pissed,…)

A long high ball fly’s way off the tee,… you say,…
“anything that high and long should have a stewardess on it,…”
or,… “is there a movie on this flight,…”


:banana:
 

907golfer12

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Live2playmore

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After lightning struck Lee Trevino at the 1975 Western Open, a reporter asked what he’d do if he were out on the course and it began to storm again. Trevino's answer: He'd take out his 1 iron and point it to the sky, "because not even God can hit the 1 iron."
 

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