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The dad joke thread

My daughter wanted a pet spider and asked to go to the pet store, I told her I could probably find one on the web.
 
me: what's the wifi pass word
bartender: you need to buy a drink first
me: OK, I'll have a coke
bartender: Is Pepsi OK?
me: Sure how much is that?
bartender: Three dollars
me; Ok, here you go...now what's the wifi password?
bartender: you need to buy a drink first, no spaces, all lower case!
 
Police have recovered a set of stolen golf clubs, one man has been arrested but they are still looking for the driver
 
I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes.....then she hugged me!
 
Bono and The Edge walk into a bar.

Bartender: Oh no, not U2 again
 
It is a 5 minute walk from my house to the pub
It is a 35 minute walk from the pub to my house

The difference is staggering
 
A lot of people are really shocked when they find out I'm not an electrician!
 
How do you fix a jack-o-lantern? A pumpkin patch!
 
Why can’t ghosts have babies??



They have halloweenies.


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These jokes are such a Dad...they just walked by my room and told me to rest up son we have a big day ahead of us tomorrow! Haha
 
I'm going to hang a Batman suit in my closet just to mess with my head when I get Alzheimer's
 
Car sales ad

Looking to sell my DeLorean - good shape, low mileage

Only driven from time to time
 
On the plane coming home and told the elderly lady next to me I have three daughters. She asked if i ever considered trying once more for a son and I told her no. Then she asks me if I ever considered adoption. And i thought to my self, who in the world would be willing to adoph three daughters??? Poor old lady has lost it.....
 
Took my kids to the zoo yesterday. The only animal they had in the entire place was a dog. It was a shitzu.
 
1998 - "Don't get into a car with a stranger"
2008 - "Don't meet people from the internet alone"

2019 - UBER....Order yourself a stranger from the internet to get into a car with alone

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So after winning the game, I decided to throw the ball into the crowd like they do on the TV
But apparently, that isn't acceptable in bowling
 
What do you call an Italian ghost?
A "fun-ghoul"!

 
How do you keep Canadian bacon from curling in the pan? Take away their tiny brooms!
 
News is reporting a huge explosion at a cheese factory in France! There is “daBrie” everywhere!
 
What did the fish say when it swam into a wall?

Dam


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Where do sheep like to go for vacation?

The Bahhhhhhhhhhhhh-hamas!
 
A good history joke...Ben Franklin was out flying a kite, but having no luck. His wife yells out the window, "Ben, you will never get that kite to fly; what you need is a little piece of tail!" Ben yells back, "Woman, I wish you would make up your mind! I told you that ten minutes ago and you told me to go fly a kite!"
 
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