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The dad joke thread

redneckwop said:
I accidentally gave my wife a glue stick instead of chapstick & she still isn't talking to me.
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I wonder if that would really work? :unsure:
 
We were looking at new cars and my wife said "I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in two seconds!"

I bought her a bathroom scale.
 
A guy goes to his doctor and says "Doc, you've gotta give me something for this constipation, it's killing me!". The doc says "You don't need a prescription, just grind up some palm fronds, mix them in water and drink them, does the trick every time!"

Guy comes back to the doc a week later and the doc asks him if it worked. The guy replies "Oh yeah - with fronds like this, who needs enemas?"
 
Doctor calls the patient into his office and sits down with a look of concern. He says "I'm afraid I have some bad news for you. Your condition is very advanced at this point and there's no treatment for it". The guy sits there for a minute before breaking down sobbing, then looks up at the doctor with teary eyes and says "Isn't there anything you can recommend?". The doc says "Yes, I recommend you bathe daily in a mud bath". The guy asks "Will it help?", and the doc replies "No, but it'll get you used to being in the dirt".
 
What do you say to a lollipop when you throw it away?

"So long sucker."
 
What do you call a cow with a twitch?


Beef jerky. :whistle:
 
Where is everybody getting their Dad jokes from? A "dad"-abase?! 🤣
 
Redneck word of the day is.... TWERK...……..after we had our beers, we need to get back TWERK!
 
Why is the barn always so noisy?

Because all the cows have horns.
 
I just watched a documentary on the life of Bach, the great German composer, on the usually reliable YouTube. I learned some new things.

For example, the documentary claimed he frequented strip clubs, which was the inspiration for his famous Air on a G String.
 
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How do you make holy water?

You boil the hell out of it.
 
OtterMan said:
A naked man goes to a costume party with a girl on his back. The host wants to know what he's supposed to be. I'm a turtle, he says! Who's the girl then? Oh, that's Michelle...
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Ha, I like that one.
 
Me: “Wanna hear a knock knock joke?”
Them: “Okay sure”
Me: “Okay you start it.”
Them: “Knock knock.”
Me: “Who’s there?”
Them: “Uhhhhh...” [confused look on face]

Me: Point at them and laugh. “Joke’s on you!”


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
 
If Satan lost his hair, does that mean there will be HELL toupee?!
 
What to hear a joke about a stone?

Never mind, I will just skip that one.
 
What kind of snake do mechanics keep as a pet?

Windshield vipers.
 
How do you get 500 old cows in a barn?

Put up a Bingo sign.
 
To the person who stole my antidepressants: I hope you're happy.
 
Today has to be a great day for people with poor eyesight. Today they can say that they have 20-20 vision. :laughing:
 
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