The dad joke thread

tomcat

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The other day I held the door open for a clown.

It was a nice jester.
 

DataDude

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We went to a zoo that only had one animal. It was a shih tzu.
 

DataDude

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What do you call a pirate with 2 eyes, 2 feet, & 2 hands?

A beginner
 

DataDude

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Did you hear about the hole in the wall surrounding the nudist colony?

The police are looking into it.
 

DataDude

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A pirate walked into bar with a steering wheel on his belt. The bartender said "What's with the steering wheel?" The pirate said "Argh, it's driving me nuts"
 

DataDude

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Did you hear about the butcher who backed into his meat grinder? He just got a little behind in his work.
 

DataDude

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Did you hear about the lady that got shot by the police officer at the gas station (insert local gas station here for telling this joke in person)? Yeah she was filling up while smoking a cigarette. She accidentally caught her sleeve on fire and she was waving the officer down to help and he shot her. When asked why he said she wouldnt stop waving her fire arm at him so he had to.
 

WMac19

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-What's the difference between a well dressed man on a unicycle, and a poorly dressed man on a bicycle?

Attire.

-What kind of bee gives milk?

A boo-bee.

-What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say?

Beat it, we’re closed.
 

JohnSinVA

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A baby seal walks into a bar -

Bartender: What’ll you have?
Baby seal: Anything but a Canadian Club.
 

leftshot

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Last night I dreamt I was a muffler. I woke up exhausted.
 

leftshot

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This might be the ultimate "Dad" joke.

Dad, I'm hungry.
Hi Hungry. I'm Dad.
 

TheDoctor

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I did have a construction joke but it is still work in progress...

--------------------------------------

Can February March?
No, but April May

Sent from my LG-H870 using Tapatalk
 

racingfarmer

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There was recently a study done in Europe that showed cows give more milk if their farmer talks to them.

The researchers think it's a case of in one ear & out the udder.



Sent from my SM-N950U using Tapatalk
 

TheDoctor

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Cosmetic surgery used to be such a taboo subject

Now you can talk about Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow
 

J.B. Cobb III

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The furniture store keeps calling me! All I wanted was a one night stand!
 

J.B. Cobb III

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This is more of an adult joke! ***Parental Discrestion is Advised***
My two lesbian neighbors gave me a Rolex for my birthday! I guess they didn't understand when I said, "I wanna watch!"
 

donny475

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Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?

Great food, no atmosphere.
 

donny475

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Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, "No, just leave it in the carton!"
 

mikeg_74

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What do you call a bear with no teeth?.... a gummy bear!
 

tahoebum

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How are golf balls like eggs?

They're white, sold by the dozen, and a week later you have to buy more!:act-up:
 

donny475

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what do you call a man with no arms or legs on the floor? MATT
What do you call a man with no arms or legs on the wall? ART
What do you call a man with no arms or legs in the pool? BOB
What do you call a man with no arms or legs water skiing? SKIP
 

J.B. Cobb III

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what do you call a man with no arms or legs on the floor? MATT
What do you call a man with no arms or legs on the wall? ART
What do you call a man with no arms or legs in the pool? BOB
What do you call a man with no arms or legs water skiing? SKIP
What do you call a man with no arms or legs on a grill? FRANK
 

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