The dad joke thread

[tomcat]

What do you do with an elephant with 3 balls?

...you walk him and pitch to the rhino.


(Stolen from a scene from the old Hot Shots! movie with Charlie Sheen)

Love that movie. I actually know the difference between a crock pot and a chaffing dish because of it.

 

[fairwaynut]

How are politicians and diapers alike?

They both need to be changed regularly & for the same reasons.

 

[Reframmellator]

There's an Inuit bar in Barrow, Alaska, where the piano player sings Night and Day for six months at a time.

 

[Thrillbilly Jim]

I just saw my wife trip over and drop a basket of clothes she just ironed. I watched it all unfold.

 

[fairwaynut]

Why should you not mix alcohol and calculus?

Because you should never drink and derive.

 

[mikeg_74]

What do you get someone who loves PDA..... A Palm Pilot!

 

[fairwaynut]

Do you hear the song about the tortilla?

Well, it;s actually more of a wrap.

 

[GolferGal]

 

[Thrillbilly Jim]

To the guy who stole my antidepressants. I hope you are happy.

 

[Reframmellator]

Today is National Lager Day #1:

What do they call lumberjacks in Massachusetts?

Boston Loggers

 

[Reframmellator]

Today is National Lager Day #2:

A dog walks into a bar and says, "Gimme a lager and a pack of peanuts." The bartender says, "That's incredible! You should join the circus!" The dog says, "Why? Do they need an electrician?"

 

[Reframmellator]

Today is National Lager Day #3:

A skeleton walks into a bar and orders a lager, a mop, and a bucket.

 

[Thrillbilly Jim]

Why does the Norway Navy have bar codes on the side of their ships? So they can Scandinavian!

 

[Thrillbilly Jim]

 

[Tywithay]

 

[tomcat]

View attachment 8980153

Of course, everyone would feel better about themselves......I weighed 185 last night.....now I'm just 84!!!

 

[fairwaynut]

What did the sandstone say to the quartz?

Stop taking me for granite.

 

[Wholeinone]

I swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next poop could spell disaster!

 

[Thrillbilly Jim]

What do you call a French guy being mauled by a lion? Claude!

 

[fairwaynut]

What is the difference between In-laws and Outlaws?

Outlaws are wanted.

 

[Thrillbilly Jim]

 

[DR3DGE]

I was thinking about dropping a pizza joke in here, but it's too cheesy.

 

[Thrillbilly Jim]

My four year old has been learning Spanish for a year, and he still can’t say ‘please’. I think that’s poor for four.

 

[Thrillbilly Jim]

Did you hear about the depressed Swede?
He wished he'd never been Bjorn!

 

[Thrillbilly Jim]

Today I asked a hot girl at the gym what her new year's resolution was. She replied “Screw you!” So I'm pretty excited for the new year!