The dad joke thread

fairwaynut

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What do you call a dinosaur who is also a towel?

A dry-ceratops!!!
 

buckeyewalt

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What do lawyers wear to court? Lawsuits!
 

buckeyewalt

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What do sea monsters eat? Fish and ships!
 

fairwaynut

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Warning: Don't accept a friend request from Hormel Foods.

It might be spam.
 

buckeyewalt

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My doctor has given me 3 days to give up drinking. I chose the 5th of June, 17 of July and the 9th of October!
 

fairwaynut

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What do your call a dog with a metal detector?

A Gold Retriever.
 

Reframmellator

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A neighbor hears a woman screaming next door and calls 911. When the police arrive , they find a dead woman on the floor with a man standing over her, holding a 5-iron.

"Did you kill her?" the detective asks.

"Yes," says the man, sobbing.

"How many times did you hit her?"

"Five, maybe six - put me down for a five."
 

Reframmellator

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A man goes to a carnival and sees a fortune teller's tent. He goes inside.

"I see you have two children," the seer says.

"HA!!! That's what YOU think!!! I have THREE kids!!!" says the man.

The fortune teller says, "HA!!! That's what YOU think!!!"
 

Reframmellator

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Why isn’t PHONETIC spelled like it sounds?
 

J.B. Cobb III

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I picked up a head of lettuce from a small grocery store called “Mommas and Pappas”. I was disappointed to find out that “... all the leaves were brown...”
 

Sean

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My father once told me that when he got the urge to exercise, he would sit real still until it passed.
 

donny475

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152874724_10222116651398866_7581370452264503612_n.jpg
 

Tevenor

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What do you see when see the pillsbury dough boy bends over from behind?


Donuts
 

J.B. Cobb III

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J.B. Cobb III

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Did you hear about the poker player who lost his arm and got a prosthetic replacement? He's finding it hard to deal with.
 

GolfTravelDude

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The Bagpiper
Time is like a river. You cannot touch the water twice, because the flow that has passed will never pass again. Enjoy every moment of life. As a bagpiper, He plays many gigs. Recently He was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Nova Scotia back country.
As He was not familiar with the backwoods, He got lost and, being a typical man, He didn't stop for directions.
He finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. He felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.
He went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. He didn't know what else to do, so He started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. He played out his heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. He played like he's never played before for this homeless man.
And as He played "Amazing Grace", the workers began to weep. They wept, He wept, they all wept together. When He finished, He packed up my bagpipes and started for his car. Though his head was hung low, his heart was full.
As He opened the door to his car, He heard one of the workers say, "I never seen anything like that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."
Apparently, He's still lost...it's a man thing.
 

fairwaynut

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My sea sickness comes in waves!!!
 

fairwaynut

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Every day at breakfast, I announce that I'm going for a jog, and then I didn't.

It was my longest running joke of the year.
 

fairwaynut

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The teacher said, "I can't see my pupils!!!" :rolleyes: :laughing:
 

fairwaynut

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What do you call dangerous precipitation?

A rain of terror.
 

RayG

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"Gee, your breath smells like Butterscotch"

"It does?"

"Yeah, I can't tell if it's butt or scotch..."
 

RayG

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In honor of the great Tommy Cooper:

Man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. “My dog is cross-eyed.” “Well,” said the vet, “let’s have a look at him.” He picks the dog up, checks his eyes & teeth. Finally, he says, “I’m going to have to put him down.” “What, because he’s cross-eyed?” “No, because he’s really heavy”
 

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