The dad joke thread

I used to date a tennis player,

but love meant nothing to her.
 
What do you call a pile of cats? A Meowtain!
 
How can you tell when it has been raining cats and dogs? When you step in a poodle!
 
If a plumber has an apprentice....can you call that POTTY TRAINING?!
 
OK - if a fertilizer plant is destroyed by an explosion, does the company declare force manure?
 
Why did the cowboy adopt a dachshund?

Because he wanted to git a long, little doggie.
 
My pet mouse “Elvis” died last night.

He was caught in a trap.
 
Felt this belongs here...
 

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So, a guy walks into his house one night and a cockroach is sitting there. He walks up to the cockroach and the cockroach kicks him in the stomach. Next day guy walks into a bar there's a cockroach sitting there. He walks up to the cockroach and the cockroach kicks him in the stomach. The guy went to the doctor to tell him, Doc says yeah there's been a bad bug going around!!
 
This thread...is...life changing


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Ok, here goes.
Played 18 the other day. After, on the way home i noticed a very beautiful lady with a flat tire so i stopped to help her. When i was done she said, “i really would like to make sure i get home safe with that small tire, could you follow me?” “Sure”, i said. I followed her about 20 minutes to her home. She asked me if i wanted to come in and clean up. That would be great i said. She pointed me upstairs to the bathroom where i cleaned up. When i came down, she was bare ass naked. She said that she really wanted to thank me and had no money but did have something else she could thank me with. So, we made love like 2 horny dogs. On the couch, bent over the stairs, on the table, in the kitchen.... in every position known and some i never saw before. It was fantastic! When we were done i got dressed and realized i am now about 4 hrs late with no call to my wife. Oh boy
When i got home she was pissed. I said,”before you say anything here’s what happened. Got done golfing, helped a lady with a flat, followed her home. When i cleaned up she stripped and then told me she wanted to thank me. We screwed in every way possible for what seemed like forever”. WHAM, i never saw the skillet coming as she knocked me out with a head shot. When i woke up i said,”why did you do that?”



My wife looked at me still pissed and said, “you are such a liar, you played another 18 didn’t you............


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This isnt a joke but more of a dad story...

I paid a visit to the local motorcycle races this weekend. 10 years ago I was an avid volunteer and would work at the corners running flags, communications or picking up downed riders and bikes. Ive been mostly absent ever since my son was born.

So I showed up after my morning round of golf and ran into an old friend I havent seen in years. Her first words were "i didnt recognize you cause you look like such a DAD!!!" I realized I was wearing a columbia polo shirt, cargo shorts and had grown quite the beer belly since we had last visited...

Sometimes reality has a way of slapping you upside the head. lol!
 
i'm getting a kick out of this thread by telling these to my wife. She just groans while I laugh my dad head off!!
 
I got thrown out of Bed Bath & Beyond for stealing kitchen utensils. I'm going back, though, because it is a whisk I'm willing to take.
I've got some chuckles out if my 12 y/o from this thread a few times, but that got a full blown laugh.

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Podiums...now there's a product I can really stand behind.
 
Dad .jpg Anyone else?
 
Did you hear about the guy in Florida who stole semi filled with Campbells soup? Between you and me, I hope they put him away for mmm mmm good!
 

My wife and youngest groan .... but they need to get over it and be less cool LOL

Over a year and a half ago, I started sending my oldest daughter Dad Joke Memes every Tuesdays as a way to stay in touch while she was away at University in her last semester. In true Dad joke fashion I caption ever meme I text "Dad Joke Tuesday" instead of "Taco Tuesday"

I've not missed a Tuesday since even though she's done and back at home. Found out the other day, after I sent a particularly over the top Dad joke (very Dad'ish), that she commented saying her followers thought it had some aroma (to be fair the guys apparently thought it was funny, girls not so much.... I sense a pattern here).

However, then I asked, what do you mean by followers? Turns out she started an Instagram thing and has some 400+ followers .... I am Dad joke Instagram famous! LOL LOL <<< This might even qualify as a Dad Joke in and of itself :)
 
If we are really serious about fighting the war on terror then a good place to start would be our country's haunted houses.
 
Two windmills are standing in a field. One asks the other, "What kind of music do you like?" The other one says, "I’m a big metal fan."
 
I ate a load of scrabble pieces last night

I've had a couple of trips to the toilet but I think the next one could spell disaster.....
 
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