The dad joke thread

Nothing tops a plain pizza :eek:
 
Two guys stole a calendar...

They got 6 months each.
 
If you want to see who loves you more, lock your wife and your dog in the trunk of your car for an hour and see who is happier to see you when you let them out.
 
What happened to the grape you stepped on?

It let out a little wine!
 
Wife of Pi to Pi:

"You're so irrational!"
 
Did you hear about the two Chinese twin brothers who wanted to change their name from Wong to Rite?

While in court the next day standing before the judge listening to him tell them they couldn't change their names from Wong to Rite.

When they asked the judge why, the judge replied, "Two Wongs don't make a Rite."
 
What do you call a row of rabbits hopping away?

A receding hare line!!!
 
What kind of car does an egg drive?


A yokeswagon
 
Why did the blonde have a hard time dialing 911???

She couldn't find the eleven!
 
How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday night?

Tell her a joke on Wednesday morning.
 
I asked my grandpa after 65 years of marriage, you still call grandma beautiful, darling and honey...what's the secret???

I forgot her name 5 years ago and I'm scared to ask her.
 
A furniture store keeps calling me.

All I wanted was one nightstand.
 
I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey.

But then I turned myself around.
 
I can cut wood just by looking at it.

It's true! I saw it with my own eyes. o_O
 
I asked my wife for a audiobook for my birthday. She gave me an encyclopedia! That spoke volumes!
 
My friend, Mark, stole my dictionary! I said, "Mark, my words!"
 
A friend of mine told me he had been receiving threatening letters in the mail.

I asked him what kinda of letters they were and he told me, calendars.

That can mean only one thing. His days are numbered. :laughing:
 
Guy goes over to his girlfriends house and he could tell she was crying. He said what's the matter honey....she looked at him and say people think I'm fat..what do you think??

The guy knew this was a no win question, but when she kept on pressing him he said...You're not fat...lets just say you're easier to see!
 
Guy goes over to his girlfriends house and he could tell she was crying. He said what's the matter honey....she looked at him and say people think I'm fat..what do you think??

The guy knew this was a no win question, but when she kept on pressing him he said...You're not fat...lets just say you're easier to see!

Boy, is he a dead man. :laughing:
 
Why do bees hum??

They don't remember the lyrics!
 
I remember this Rodney joke: My wife and I in trying to be healthy, made an agreement that we would smoke only after sex. The only problem is that I'm down to a few cigarettes and she's up to 3 packs.
 
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What do a dog and a phone have in common?

They both have collar ID.
 
Patient:
Doc, I'm a nervous wreck. My mind is racing. I can't relax.
I'm a wigwam. I'm a teepee. I'm a wigwam. I'm a teepee.

Doctor:
"Your problem is you're two tents."
 
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