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The dad joke thread

How can you get four suits for a dollar?

Buy a deck of cards.
 
A guy is having a check up at the doctor's...
"Do you think I will have a long and healthy life?"
"I doubt it" says the doctor shaking his head "Mercury is in Uranus right now"
"I don't believe in that astrology crap, doc"
"Yeah, neither do I. My thermometer just broke"
 
What lies on the bottom of the ocean and twitches?

A nervous wreck.
 
Working in a typewriter factory must be a tough job, although you see lots of different characters...
 
RayG said:
Working in a typewriter factory must be a tough job, although you see lots of different characters...
Click to expand...

Not to mention that people are always very anxious.

There all keyed up. :p
 
Why do ducks have feathers?

to cover their butt quacks.
 
Anyone out there interested in buying my Delorean ? Great condition, low mileage..
.. really only driven from time to time.
 
Snow White is down to six dwarves. They had to put Sneezy in quarantine.
 
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"Vegetarian". It's an old aboriginal word for bad hunter.
 
I told my girlfriend she raised her eyebrows to high........

She seemed surprised.
 
Did you here the one about the golfer who went to the doctor for a physical? During the exam the golfer told the doctor about the terrible time he was having with his short irons. After the exam finished the doctor tells the golfer to wait a moment and writes something on a piece of paper and then hands it to the golfer.
The golfer takes the piece of paper from doctor and asks what it is?
The doctor says, "Its a prescription for a multi-vitamin, it should help with your iron deficiency."
 
I got thrown out of my local park for arranging the squirrels by height........

The didn't like me Critter Sizing
 
If you ever get cold, just stand in a corner for a bit.

They're usually around 90 degrees.
 
Why was the painting denied a bank loan?

It was overdrawn.
 
I asked my friend to pass me a pamphlet. He said, “brochure!”
 
How much does a mustang cost?

More than you can af-ford.
 
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