A burglar stole all my lamps.
I should be upset, but I'm delighted
I should be upset, but I'm delighted
The dad joke thread
I invested every cent I have into a cannabis-fed cattle business.
The steaks have never been higher
The steaks have never been higher
My son Luke loves that we named our children after Star Wars characters.
My daughter Chewbacca not so much
My daughter Chewbacca not so much
Steal a man's wallet and he'll be poor for a day.
But teach him to play an instrument and he'll be poor for the rest of his life
But teach him to play an instrument and he'll be poor for the rest of his life
You gotta hand it to short people.
Because they can't reach it
Because they can't reach it
My friend said "My kid refuses to eat fish. What do you think is a good replacement?"
Me: Cats. Cats love fish
Me: Cats. Cats love fish
Give a man a fish and you will feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish and he will spend a fortune on gear he will only use twice a year
Teach a man to fish and he will spend a fortune on gear he will only use twice a year
My landlord texted me to tell me that we needed to meet up to talk about how high my heating bill is.
I replied back "Sure, my door is always open!"
I replied back "Sure, my door is always open!"
I feel like I'm on a downward spiral
What is the inventor of hand sanitizer doing right now?
Rubbing his hands
Rubbing his hands
I tried to sue the airline for misplacing my luggage....
I lost my case
I lost my case
I ate a kids meal at McDonald's today.
His Mom got really angry
His Mom got really angry
My wife says I'm getting fat, but in my defense I’ve had a lot on my plate recently!
I asked people what this symbol + means.
No they are divided.
No they are divided.
I told my therapist I can’t get the Grease soundtrack out of my head... He said “tell me more”.
What kind of tea is hard to swallow?
Reality.
Reality.
At the Sony Open this weekend, loud laughing is not permitted........just a low ha!!
A truck loaded with Vick's Vaporub overturned on the highway.
Amazing, there was no congestion for eight hours.
Amazing, there was no congestion for eight hours.
I'm reading a horror story in Braille. Something bad is going to happen, I can feel it.
I was on a diabetes awareness website and it asked me if I accept cookies... Is this a trick question?
When my wife found me playing with my son’s train set, I was so embarrassed that I threw a bedsheet over it. I think I managed to cover my tracks.
I’m not a chef, but boyardees women crazy, am I right?
A rancher had 48 cows, but when he rounded them up, he had 50.