The dad joke thread

A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark

So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
 
I recently lost my job as a masseuse. I guess I just rub people the wrong way.
 
I've just written a new song about tortillas.

Actually it's more of a Rap.
 
How much is a piercing for a pirate?

About a buccaneer
 
I used to think that sticks and stones may break my bones, but words could never hurt me... until I fell into the printing press..
 
He used to be a quiet, reserved guy... Then he made a spectacle of himself when he fell into the Lens Grinder.
 
If April showers bring May flowers, What do May flowers bring? Pilgrims, they bring Pilgrims!
 
I saw a microbiologist today. He was much bigger than I expected.
 
What’s the worst thing about having a job at the unemployment office? If you get fired, you still have to show up the next day.
 
No more Suez Canal jokes! That ship has sailed
 
My wife and I decided to order out and have a nice quiet dinner at home. So when I came in with the food, I said, "Je t'adore!"

She said, "Shut it yourself!"
 
Two pickles fell out of a jar onto the floor.
What did one say to the other?
Dill with it!!!
 
What happened when the cast of 'Friends' were stuck out at sea in a life raft? They were fine because Lisa Kudrow.
 
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords. So I had to ground him. He's doing better currently. And conducting himself properly
 
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords. So I had to ground him. He's doing better currently. And conducting himself properly

Good to see he's not resisting.
 
I was reading a new music history paper tonight in which the author argued that Johann Sebastian Bach frequented gentlemen's clubs, and one of his visits inspired his famous Air on a G String.
 
Just heard a man had an accident while playing peek-a-boo! He's currently in the ICU!
 
My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is starting to improve.
 
What did the stamp say to the envelope?

Stick with me and we'll go places together.
 
I went to buy some camouflage trousers yesterday but couldn't find any
 
What do you call a jungle cat who can't hear?



Def Leapord.
 
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