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Your favorite Golf joke!

ShootzGolf

ShootzGolf

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Post em if you've got em. Here's mine"

Guy playing golf with his wife. On the 3rd hole, a par 3, his drive goes off to the right and lands by a barn. Looking at his next shot, realizes he has no good options when his wife says “hey, if I open both barn doors you can hit it through the barn and have a clear shot to the green!” She opens the doors. He sets up and hits a horrible shot, the ball ricochets off the barn door, hits his wife, and kills her.
Five years later he’s playing with his new wife, at the same hole, and his drive again goes off to the right and lands in the same spot by the barn. Standing by his ball, he’s slowly shaking his head when his new wife says, “ hey, what if I open the barn doors ....?,” No,” he cry's, “last time I tried that I took a 7”.
:p
 
A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man." The man then "Yeah, well we were married 35 years."
 
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer have a standing tee time at the local muni. One week, they decide to try a semi-private course one town over. They hit their tee shots and have waited 45 minutes for the group on the first green when a marshall comes by. He interrupts their complaints with, "You guys must be new here. You see, that group is made up of volunteer firefighters. Three years ago, our clubhouse caught fire. Those four guys helped to save the building, but they lost their sight. So we gave them free golf here for life after that, and our regulars know the whole story and are OK with that. I'm sorry -"

The priest interrupts, "No, I'M sorry for being upset. I'm going to check with the diocese and see whether there's any help we can offer them."

The doctor says, "My med school roommate chairs the opthamology department at Johns Hopkins. I'll give him a call and see if there's anything they can do."

The engineer says, "Why can't they play at night?"
 
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A "Rock Hudson Putt": it looks straight, but it ain't...
 
A businessman goes to China for a business trip.
He is a day early, so he goes out to entertain himself. Has a nice meal, few drinks and decides ot visit a lady of the evening.
During his encounter with the lady, she shouts "Gam Bai! Gam Bai!" the entire time he is doing his business. He believes this to be shouts of encouragement.
The next day, he has his business meeting and he and the client decide to go play golf to celebrate their deal.
On the first hole, the client scores a birdie. "Gam Bai!" says the businessman.
The client looks confused and says "what do you mean "wrong hole?""
 
A husband and wife are having dinner and the discussion turns to their mortality and what each would do in the event that the other would pass. The wife asks "Would you get married again if I go first"? "I think I eventually would" he replies. "Would you pick a lady that plays golf" she continues. "Oh, absolutely", he says. She then asks "Well, would you let her use MY clubs"? "Oh heck no"! he retorts. "Well, why not"? she asks. "Because she's left handed".
 
I was playing with a guy when we came to a par three over water. He proceeded to put two sleeves of brand new ProV1’s in the water. I said to him, “Why don’t you hit an old ball?” He said, ”I’ve never owned one!”
 
Two golfers (let's call them John and Dave) are playing against each other for some money; they agree prior to teeing off that everything will be played as it lies. A couple of holes in John's golf ball winds up on the cart path. About to reach down to pick it up, Dave says "not so fast - gotta play it as it lies" and smiles to himself.

John scowls and mutters under his breath but trudges back to the cart to get a club. Walking back over to his ball, he begins to take multiple practice swings, each time the club head contacts the cart path sparks fly. After about a half dozen swings he finally hits his approach, which lands about 2 feet from the pin and stops.
"What a shot!" exclaims Dave. "What club did you use?"

"Your seven iron" replies John.
 
"Golf is a fun game."
"How do you know?"
"Every ball is full of dimples."
 
A guy takes a trip to Scotland to play the old course. He walks up on the first tee and slices his drive out of bounds. There are a couple of locals watching next to the first tee and the guy turns to them and says "guess i'm playing a mulligan" He takes a couple of practice swings and asks the locals what they call a mulligan in Scotland, the locals look at each other and say "playin 3"
 
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One day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon. He thought to himself, "It's certainly not a ship."

And, as the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out the possibilities of a small boat or even a raft. Suddenly there emerged from the surf a wet-suited black clad figure. Putting aside the scuba gear and the top of the wet suit, there stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde!

The glamorous blonde strode up to the stunned Irishman and said to him "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"

"Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman.

With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproofed pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit, and pulled out a fresh pack of cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, and takes a long drag.

"Faith and begorra," said the man, "that is so good I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!"

"And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Irish whiskey" asked the blonde

Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years."

Hearing that, the blonde reaches over to her right sleeve unzips a pocket there and removes a flask and hands it to him. He opened the flask and took a long drink.

"Tis nectar of the gods!" stated the Irishman. "Tis truly fantastic!"

At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle.. She looked at the trembling man and asked, "And how long has it been since you played around?"

With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed, "Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there too!!!"
 
Tevenor said:
A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says: "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man." The man then "Yeah, well we were married 35 years."
Click to expand...

Beat me to it.

If I want someone to laugh on the course I just have to swing.
 
I have dozens of favorites but this one I love because I heard it the first time from a pastor who was an avid and low single digit golfer.

YOU WON’T BELIEVE IT!
The Reverend Francis Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf. So... he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and convinced him to say Mass for him that day.

As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his Parish. Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church!

At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, 'You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?'

The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I won't."

Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. IT WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE!

St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why did you let him do that?"

The Lord smiled and replied, "Who's he going to tell?"
 
Moses, Jesus, and a third golfer tee off on a par 4 with water down the right side. Moses pushes his drive into the drink, so he walks over to the pond, raises his club to part the water, walks into the pond, and hits his ball onto the green.

Next, Jesus’s drive follows Moses‘s into the water and comes to rest on a lily pad. Jesus walks out onto the water and knocks the ball up onto the green from the lily pad.

The final golfer also puts his drive into the water where a frog gets ahold of the ball. A hawk picks up the frog and flies off. As they soar over the green, the frog drops the ball where it rolls right into the cup.

Moses turns to Jesus and says, “I hate playing golf with your dad.”
 
A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes. "Boy, I'd give anything to sink this putt", the golfer mumbles to himself.

Just then, a stranger walks up beside him and whispers, "Would you be willing to give up a quarter of your sex life to sink the putt?"

Thinking the man is crazy and his answer will be meaningless, the golfer also feels that maybe this is a good omen, so he says, "Sounds good to me," and promptly sinks the putt!

Two holes later, he mumbles to himself again, "Gosh, I wish I could get an eagle on this one."

The same stranger is suddenly at his side again and whispers, "Would it be worth giving up another quarter of your sex life to make an eagle?"

Shrugging, the golfer replies, "Okay." And, amazingly, he makes the eagle.

On the final hole, the golfer needs another eagle to win. Without waiting for him to say anything, the stranger quickly moves to his side and says, "Would winning this match be worth giving up the rest of your sex life?"

"Definitely," the golfer replies, and sure enough he makes the eagle and wins the match.

As the golfer is walking to the club house, the stranger walks along beside him and says, "I haven't really been fair with you because you don't know who I am. I'm Satan, and from this day forward you really will have no sex life at all."

"Nice to meet you," the golfer replies. "I'm Father O'Malley."
 
A man was playing a round of golf...

When he came to his favorite par 3, he hit the most glorious shot, and it rolled right in, getting a hole in one. When he picked up the ball, a genie appeared.

"Behold, I am the magic hole in one genie! I will grant you one wish. " " Wow, well can you make my Johnson longer?" "Your wish is my command!"

As the round went on, the man started to realize that his junk has been growing the whole game until it finally was hanging out the bottom of his pants leg. Furious, the man returned to the same hole where the genie resided. He hit ball after ball until he finally got another hole in one. The genie appeared again. "Behold I am the... " "I know who the hell you are. Look at what you've done." The man lifted up his pants and showed the genie his deal. "So what is your wish?" asked the genie. "Can you make my legs a little longer?"
 
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