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One-liners

One-liners

Jimmy Connors to my friend's father who was a line judge of his match: "You couldn't even get a wet dream right."


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"F the Kingsguard, F the city, and F the king"

-The Hound
 
Full Metal Jacket has some of the best one-liners EVER.

"Your ass looks like a hundred and fifty pounds of chewed bubble gum."

"If God wanted you up there He would have miracled your ass up here by now, wouldn't He?"
 
Here's one I used on my boss.
Me: Would you punish me for something I didn't do?
Boss: no
Me: Ok, I never did any work today

Not really a one-liner, but still funny
 
My brother used to tell people who wanted more than possible: "And people in hell want icewater."
 
Here are a couple from construction:

"I've cut it twice and it's still too damned short!"

"Just remember, you can be replaced by a nail." told to someone holding the other end of a chalk strike line.

NASA quote courtesy of Alan Shepard:

It's a very sobering feeling to be up in space and realize that one's safety factor was determined by the lowest bidder on a government contract.

 
"That falls under the umbrella of ... not my problem."
 
One of my old bosses said to another long-winded supervisor about halfway through his lengthy instructions:

"They just wanted to know what time it is, they don't need to know how to build the watch!"
 
Ten pounds of poop in a five pound bag.
 
"you need a bigger basket to keep your sh!t together"
"makes as much sense as pushing on a rope"
"ugly as a bag of a$$holes"
One of my fathers favorites that made little sense when he was frustrated at something "crabs on toast"
 
The early bird gets the worm, but the 2nd mouse gets the cheese.
 
If Donald Trump gets elected, there'll be hell toupee.
 
Guy I painted for in college had several. "Don't try to do it as good as me, just do the best you can", "She workin", "If it don't move paint it". He said several more but they are far from appropriate for this site.
 
I had a mate, who whenever anything would go wrong would say "well that's pissed in my crisps". That one has stuck with me.
 
Failure to plan on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine.

7 P's of Life - Proper Prior Planning Prevents Pi$$ Poor Performance.

Son, don't let your mouth write a check your a$$ cant cash.
 
You couldn't punch your way out of a wet paper bag.
 
I'm sweating more than a whor3 in church
 
"Sorry, I've already given all my shi*s away today"

My mom's favorite "You're as crazy as a shi$house rat"
 
When someone (or I) sink a 20 foot putt for triple bogey or worst.

"That's like putting Whip Cream on Sh!&"
 
I'm a big fan of "You can lead a horse to water but you can't make them drink"... Then my buddies tells me this one and I died laughing " Hey you can't polish a turd"

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Pringles said:
I'm a big fan of "You can lead a horse to water but you can't make them drink"... Then my buddies tells me this one and I died laughing " Hey you can't polish a turd"

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Click to expand...

the funny thing is.... you can! I think mythbusters had an episode about that
 
MPlefty said:
the funny thing is.... you can! I think mythbusters had an episode about that
Click to expand...
Yep polish the turd and also fitting 10lbs of sh!t into a 5lb bag.
 
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