Smiter

Dunce Cap For A Bit
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Some of you may remember the thread I started last year (someone with better search-fu, feel free to link it) where I showed my ass. Long story short, I took my kids out to play a quick (misnomer) nine. We got stuck behind the trail group of a “league” and they were the slowest group ever. We caught them on hole 6 after not seeing a soul on the prior holes. It took almost 2 hours to complete our nine from that point. On hole 8 I made an ass out of myself and yelled something like “hey! Hurry up, we want to finish before dark too!” I wasn’t even playing, just trying to finish a nine where my kids were.

One of the fellas in that group threw his putter down and charged at me. I was about 170 yards back in the fairway behind them on this long par 4. I’m too old and fat to run and it’d been a long time since I’d been in a fight, so I threw my hat off and yelled out a (to me) Ric Flair like, “Wooo!” I may or may not have laughed when his golf buddy and him did the “hold me back bro” routine.

I was 100% in the wrong here and I’ve already been beat to death (online) for it. I shouldn’t have resorted to that no matter what and particularly with my kids with me. I set a bad example, I’m wrong, I’m sorry. Don’t beat that bush, we’ve been there already. Scouts honor, I’ll try to not be there again. I couldn’t stomach 30+ minute holes with no other groups on the front and them not willing to let through a group that plays nine in less than1:30. Yes they were the trailing end of a league, but I just couldn’t take them savoring the very last light all for themselves while my kids were not going to finish it. Again, I admit I was wrong and that’s not the issue here, far as I’m concerned. If y’all want to pile on a beating I rightfully took last summer, go for it but it’s not where I’m going.

Problem. The mediator in that incident (the guy that held “the guy” back, lives right behind me. With floor to ceiling windows in my living room, I’ve been looking at his house all frickin winter. Prior to that, he and I had a decent neighborly type relationship. He seems like a decent guy, even if he golfs at a snails pace in the almighty “league”. There was another incident in the parking lot, this was as I was taking my kids bags to the car, after finishing with zero light. The guy stared me down and like an ass-something I stopped the cart to confront him (again, I know I was wrong, admitted it, will try not to do it again, and not what this thread is about). At that point my directly behind me neighbor intervened, and what could have came to a fist fight was sort of laughed off. I said “hey, you’re my neighbor!” He said “we’re all neighbors here”. I said “ok” and started to walk off. Then my directly behind me neighbor said to my kids “if you ever want a golf etiquette lesson, I’ll give it to you”. I then asked him if playing 9 holes in 5 hours was considered proper etiquette, to which he again told my kids that he’d be glad to give “them” an etiquette lesson.

I’m not downplaying my wrong doing here. This is the first time I’ve ever been truly upset about pace of play, but 30 minutes a hole was too much, especially when it meant we wouldn’t finish in enough light to see. But I was wrong as rain. I shouldn’t have handled myself that way, I’m wrong there.

So very long back story, but I’ve gotta live with the guy. I waited until 2am that night in my driveway because I wanted to talk (just talk, that was it-to explain my side and apologize for where I went wrong). He never showed up. He’s a prison guard and has Thursday’s off, as do I. Should I knock on his door and offer to treat him to a round some Thursday at a nice area course? Should I just leave it alone? I’m lost here, this was at the end of last season and I haven’t really seen him outside since. He took care of my sidewalk when it snowed once this winter and I was at work, I did the same for him the next time. Once spring hits (if it ever does!) I’m sure I’ll see him outside a ton like last year. We got along ok until that incident. I didn’t appreciate his group playing an almost 5 hr nine, I’m sure he didn’t appreciate me not tolerating it. I REALLY didn’t appreciate the tone he took with my kids, but I’m willing to look past that since everyone was an ass all around.

I was wrong. They were wrong. If you wanna beat on me for it, go ahead. I know I wasn’t in the right, at least totally. Putter throwing guy was more wrong then me, but I guess I don’t expect smart decisions from a beer league. That’s not what’s at issue. All the backstory amounts to, should I invite him to play a round with me on a Thursday and hopefully be at peace neighbors, or should I just leave well enough alone and be content with glaring at each other until one of us croaks? What would you do in my shoes? What would you do in his shoes if invited along by someone you had a run in with? I’m lost here and as the weather is hopefully about to break, I dunno what the heck to do? I don’t want to harbor bad feelings, we’d been fine prior to that.
 
Unless it's a felony, everybody deserves a freebie. It's obviously eating you up, and for all you know, it may be bugging him as well. I don't see any downside to making the offer and a lot of upside. I'd do it. Good neighbors are worth the effort.
 
I’d make the effort. I’d accept if I were in his place.

Even if he isn’t receptive, you’ll feel better having tried. And will have set a good example for your kids.
 
Early returns are how I’m leaning. I’ve already got one neighbor I don’t like (not golf related, he absolutely screwed me over when he was my landlord, but that’s not here nor there), don’t need another one.

Edit: Got even with that jerk by buying the house across the street from him. Mine is nicer:)

Really had zero to do with it, lol. My kids grew up in and love this neighborhood. When a house came on the market here we went all in with an offer. It didn’t hurt that it was nicer than the house we rented for 10 years and were unceremoniously dumped by our former landlord when he wanted to move in. We were screwed over by him by 1. Not giving us enough time to buy a house, (lived in a double for a year-with 3 kids, not ideal) and 2. Him not refunding our security deposit because of excess wear on a 5 year life carpet when we lived there about 10 years. I even had receipts to show that I’d shampoo’d them every 6 months. I’d have won my security deposit back if I took him to court but would have probably cost me more than I’d have got back. At the time he put me in a bad place financially by having to move and not getting back any deposit. It’s not so much of a deal anymore, but at the time I severely disliked him.

Neighbor at issue hates the guy too, didn’t say why just said that he’s a “tool”. Probably places me in the same catagory now.

I’ll try to mend bridges based on early feedback. I’ll post on how it goes.
 
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Why don’t you just bring a 6 pack over and just talk to him? Tell him how you feel and admit what you just told us.
I’d appreciate a gesture like that. Men are good that way. We move on when we’ve figured stuff out over pints.
If he has no interest in talking to you then you’ve done what you needed to do and you’re the better man for it.
 
Why don’t you just bring a 6 pack over and just talk to him? Tell him how you feel and admit what you just told us.
I’d appreciate a gesture like that. Men are good that way. We move on when we’ve figured stuff out over pints.
If he has no interest in talking to you then you’ve done what you needed to do and you’re the better man for it.

Thanks. All responses have been how I’m leaning. I grew up in the era of men having a fight of the bar parking lot, getting over it, and buying each other drinks the rest of the night. It’s a different world now so this Neanderthal is unsure how to proceed. Everything points to bygones being bygones so far. I hope that’s right, because that’s my best course of action.
 
I totally understand your frustration- we've all been in that same position at some point. Since I get so frustrated and upset when waiting for an eternity to play a hole, now I just call it a day or head in for a beer and wait till the wait is over. As far as your neighbor goes, I would make every effort to smooth things over. He may turn out to be a great friend or golf buddy. He personally may have had nothing to do with the slowdown but was sticking up for his fellow golfers. Since he shoveled your walk, maybe that was a gesture on his part.
 
Life is short, too short to harbor a grudge. It is hard to make the first move to right a perceived wrong but you will be better for it. The thoughts and scenarios about the incident in your head will cease and you can move on. I am sure he wants to get past it too. Good luck
 
This is obviously eating away at you considering it happened last year so you gotta get it off your chest. Take the high road and apologize for your actions and explain why you acted the way you did. Hopefully he will get the hint that root cause was absurdly slow pace of play, you'll shake hands and put it to bed. If he doesn't, he's truly an a**hole but at least you can put in the past.
 
I'd just go knock on his door and offer him a handshake and apologize to him. Just clear the air man.
 
I have been guilty of the same thing as you I have said things to people on the course that were slow pace related before but honestly I have never felt guilty about it but that’s just me. I can see this really bothers you and when I have made bad decisions I have always taken the step to make it better by offering an apology and a hand shake and most of the time that’s all it takes I have also had people do the same for me. I will always respect an attempt to make a bad situation right on either side. If you feel that you were wrong then it’s up to you. You either try to make Peace or let it go


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Don't know what to tell you about patching things up with the neighbor. I certainly wouldn't bring up the incident again.

As far as golf goes, i just wouldn't play on league nights. I sure as hell wouldn't offer, or want to go play with anybody that plays golf that slow.

The lesson for my kid would be, don't yell at people on the golf course, even if they are in the wrong. Take your gripes to the pro shop, just remember the pro shop knows they are playing slow as molasses they just want the money. So, don't play on league nights.
 
I'm in the camp of knocking on his door and trying to mend the fence. It send like you've learned from it and maybe together you can both become better from it.
 
It reads to me like you really want him to admit he was wrong for playing slow. If that’s the case - I could be misreading your post - then that’s not really mending fences, as much as it is being right. There’s no point in knocking on the door until you get past that part.
 
Neighborhood relations are important. I would just head over and try and mend fences.

I have never done what you did, but I have come very close. I cannot stand slow play, I never have. And it's only gotten worse since I've had kids, nobody wants to play 6 hour rounds.
 
Yeah, I wouldn't be so hard on yourself other than starting it up in the parking lot again. You should have let it go at that point. Pride is a tough thing though, nobody wants to look like a wuss in front of their kids. Thirty minute holes is insane though. I would probably just walk off the course.

Like someone said, bring over a six pack and apologize. If he doesn't accept it then just move on and let it go.
 
It reads to me like you really want him to admit he was wrong for playing slow. If that’s the case - I could be misreading your post - then that’s not really mending fences, as much as it is being right. There’s no point in knocking on the door until you get past that part.

Don’t wanna call you wrong in reading, that’s maybe how my post read. I just put it all out there. In three holes I was ready to call it quits following that group. We caught up to them on hole six and from there you can see the rest of the nine. There was no one on it. So in the hour and a half from holes 6-7-8, I realized we were not going to finish the nine in useable light. We played the first 5 holes fast. They were, frankly (no pun:)), the slowest group in the history of golf. The lady working the counter did warn me there was a league in front of us but said that the last group tee’d off “about 2 hours ago”. Thinking for nine, great, no problems. In my mind a quick twilight nine for the kids. I’d played earlier that day for 18 and just wanted my kids to have a chance to golf nine that day.

Kids play nine in a max of 1.5 hours. In hindsight she must have known that this group was slow?, otherwise she’d have stated that the league was nearing completion and almost done.

But I like the answer of knocking on his door and inviting him out for a round.

I think the beer league thing is more his style on the course, and I can have a lot of fun getting drunk and playing a practice round. That part I’ll play by ear. If he’s serious about golf (doubtful) then I’ll get serious and show my best skill. If he’s just out to have a good time, I can do that too.

Thanks all for responses. They’ve swayed me from doing nothing to taking the initiative to make it right. It may not be still, but at any rate if the man spends 3-4 hours (not 10, lol) in a cart with me, he’ll at least know where I stand. I’m out to have a decent time golfing and try to better my game (losing battle-at least the better game part). If he wants to get stupid drunk, he will at least have a safe ride home.

I grew up in an era where guys would fight outside of the bar they were in, pummel each other, and then buy each other drinks. That seems to have fallen out, so my world view has changed to accomodate that. I don’t like it, but it’s the new normal. Not that I want to fight the guy, just explaining how things used to be settled.

It’s a new world that I don’t fully understand. I don’t want a fight. I want to get through the summer with little to no hate from either party. Other than this incident he and I have been good. Since then I haven’t seen him.

If my OP read as me wanting him to admit he was slow, that wasn’t my point. He was but I was also an ass about it. Putter throwing guy that mock charged me was in the most wrong, but that was also outside of his or my control. I just wanna be able to live with the guy without both of us glaring down the other every time we’re doing yard work at the same time.

Seems like the consensus is to knock on his door and invite him to play a round with me. If he trurns me down, his loss. I’m not stuck on their slow play-it was rediculous-But it is what it is. I can see how it was read as me being stuck on it. But that’s not my point, I just don’t want to spend to next 10 years exchanging glares with the guy. He has to know that his group was super slow. He knows when they started, and finished. When he looks at that and sees a 4-5 hour 9, he has to know that isn’t right. Fine if someone isn’t behind you. There was someone behind them that night that just wanted to get their nine in with enough light to finish. It was very iffy on the light when we finished. 130 yard shots had no tracking, it was dark.

But I’m not stuck on that by any means. I just want to be a good neighbor. I’m a considerate golfer and someone I’d consider a good neighbor. Maybe my neighbors wouldn’t say that, but I try to do the little things that a neighbor would do. Snow blow ‘ol Ms Smith’s drive. Take care of my property and all that goes with it. Etc.

Just trying to right a wrong here. I’m not hung up on slow play. I just want to be friendly with someone that also golfs next to me. Not glare each other down. Beer leagues are a different thubg than what I’m used to. Everyone can enjoy it as they see fit. Fine my me.
 
Why don’t you just bring a 6 pack over and just talk to him? Tell him how you feel and admit what you just told us.
I’d appreciate a gesture like that. Men are good that way. We move on when we’ve figured stuff out over pints.
If he has no interest in talking to you then you’ve done what you needed to do and you’re the better man for it.

This is basically what I was going to post. Well said Rusty.
 
Yeah, I wouldn't be so hard on yourself other than starting it up in the parking lot again. You should have let it go at that point. Pride is a tough thing though, nobody wants to look like a wuss in front of their kids. Thirty minute holes is insane though. I would probably just walk off the course.

Like someone said, bring over a six pack and apologize. If he doesn't accept it then just move on and let it go.

Once my feathers are ruffled, it’s hard to un-ruffle them. My kids would have rathered I look like a wuss. Trust me on that. It wasn’t a pride thing. I’d reached the “fight or flight” portion of the night and unfortunately I chose the fight. I’m too old and fat to flight. Me running away would have probably caused everyone to die of a heart attack by laughing too hard, lol.
 
This is basically what I was going to post. Well said Rusty.

Y’all are wise beyond my (presumably) more years. Once the weather breaks I’ll be knocking on his door inviting him to play a round with me. I can access a few courses he likely can’t so I’ll invite him onto one of those.

I’m going to go into it in a completely apologetic mode. Something like “look, we had a run in last year... I don’t care about that, I want to right any wrongs there are... I don’t want to have angry stares either way, would you care to join me next week on “xyz” course?”

I’ll probably mess it up but at least I’ll have tried and can have some peace about it.
 
If my neighbor said that to my children in front of me - implying that he was a better person than I am - I wouldn't bother knocking on his door. Sometimes neighbors you don't see or hear are the best neighbors.
 
A person wiser than me once told me that a good approach is to offer an apology for your poor choices, and then offer forgiveness to the other party for their poor choices.
That usually prompts the other party to ask "what poor choices?", opening the door for you to explain what they've done to offend.

I've done this several times, and it does provoke the expected "wait, what have I done wrong?" response....

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My advice Echoes many previous posts. I would apologize for the incident. I think if you do that , tell him you want to be good friends and Neighbors, he will apologize on his own without you having to bring the part of the incident that annoyed you , he already knows slow play annoys you.

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A few things here. First, to have a guy throw his putter down and charge at you for calling them out for slow play automatically puts them in the just as guilty category. At least in my eyes.

Stopping in the parking lot is on you. But, him saying something to your kids is low. Really low. Both parties were at fault and he decided to take a shot at you as you were leaving the situation. I don't know about you, but I have no room in my life for people like that and I know plenty of them.

I get that it's obviously eating you up and it's good of you for wanting to make it right. But, sometimes being someone's neighbor doesn't mean that you have to be friends.

I guess I don't have any advice pertaining to your situation other than what he did was pretty crappy. If he isn't receptive to mending the fence, I wouldn't lose any sleep over it.

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Man , I see some serious "beating up on yourself here". It's pretty clear you want to try and clear the air so just pull the trigger and do it.

Plenty of people (including therapists) have reminded me too many times that you can't control how others will react, only your own actions and re-actions.

My point. Do what you want/need to do to get to a point where you can sleep at night. Then let it go and see what happens. I doubt you'll ever be friends (and I wouldn't want a friend who acts like he did anyway).

I don't like the idea of changing other people or forcing/requesting anything from them (like an apology). Take responsibility for your actions and get some sleep.


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