Advice for someone trying to support a friend who is depressed

Hello THP,

This might be one of the more serious posts I ever make on this forum.

My ex girlfriend who I have tried to be friends with is very depressed. She's been battling this for the last 8 years. She has fought through both bulimia and anorexia over the years and has wound up in the hospital for her heart nearly giving out and also for a few rounds of treatment to fight her eating disorders. She recently moved out to pursue a second degree in another city and struggles to make it to class because she can not build the will to go out and face the world because of how she hates the way she looks and constantly feels down. She refuses to see a professional about this because she says they don't help her and I can not provide her with the support she really needs. Her other friends try to help as well but obviously none of us are fully capable of comprehending and helping her. I've read some great analogies about what depression is like and they make sense but I can't fully feel the weight of it so I can't "walk a mile in her shoes" as they say.

Tonight she scared me as I checked my phone after a movie that she was contemplating death. This is way beyond me and I know her mom already suggested she come home so that she can go back into the hospital program to help her get better but she doesn't want to.

I'm wondering if anyone has any advice for what I can do.
I encourage her to talk about these things and to see help but she refuses. Some of my friends have told me to just cut her loose and live my life because it's honestly dragging me down and sometimes I really feel like I need to do that for my own sake, but then I remember that that's not who I am and I have never consciously given up on someone.

Sorry if this is heavy... I just don't know anymore.

I only have two pieces of advice:

1) You need to get her help. Whether that means delivering her to her mother, or finding someone local, you don't need to try to solve this problem on your own.

2) Whatever decision you make regarding the friendship, make sure it's one on which you can look back and say, "I did the right thing." That doesn't mean her problems are your problems. However, it also doesn't mean that her problems are none of your concern. You are a friend of hers. If you take the right steps, then should the time come to sever the relationship, you can do so knowing that you acted correctly.

I wish I could tell you what the right thing is, but I can't. However, I'll stress again - it's not something you want to be trying to handle by yourself. Get help from a doctor, a therapist, local organizations, her family, her church, or another friend of hers.

Best wishes for you and her.

Thank you Wade.

That leads me to the question: how do I not make her problems my own? I like to think I'm fairly empathetic and that usually means getting involved in things but that has so far taken me down this road. I had the choice to re-introduce her to my life a year ago and I made the choice to not turn my back (I didn't see her for 18 months after we broke up) so now sometimes it seems that decision has come back to haunt me, so to speak.

I have to agree with wade in everything he said.

Here is all that I would add: Her contacting you and talking about death is an absolute cry for help/attention. I would seek out any and all help that you can get to try and convince her that she needs to come home and get help. Wade is on the money when he says whatever decision you make you must make sure that you are able to live with your decision in this matter. The easiest way to do that is to seek professional help because this will be in her best interest. It is very possible that the time could arise where you need to walk away and while this does not seem advantageous right now you do need to take care of yourself. The time will come when she will thank you for your actions and for caring. That is the day when you need to care the most.

You must care from a distance right now. She is coming to you because she is under the impression that she can talk to you about her feelings and you will listen and not judge. There is a time and place for that, and this is not it.

It's interesting you mention the feeling of not being judged. Even though I know in my heart that I do not judge her, she is constantly under the impression that I am judging the daylights out of her. Because of our past romantic relationship things are, of course more awkward and difficult than if this was any of my other friends but I try to not let that affect things.
You are right about the cry for attention for sure, she has done things in the past that were most definitely cries for attention and were sadly the equivalent of the boy who cried wolf but I can't ignore any message of this severity.

Her accusations of you judging her are a defense mechanism. She knows that what she is doing is unhealthy and wrong thats why she doesnt want to go home. Its not because she doesnt want help, because she does, its because she doesnt want to deal with the shame and judgement that will come with admitting she has a problem to the outside world. She is obviously intelligent because she is pursuing a second degree so she has ambition. The part that is odd to me is that she doesnt want to go to class. I wonder if there is something/someone in these classes that is compounding her feelings of inadequacy.

Based on my past experiences with similar situations I would say that you need to have a conversation with her something to this effect:

"You are my friend and I care about you, but what you are doing is hurting yourself as well as those around you. Those of us who care about you have tried to help you in every way we know how but you dont seem to want our help. Because of how much I care about you I want to see you get help, but if you refuse then I can not continue to stand by and watch you do this to yourself. Please seek help or I must remove myself from this friendship for my own health."

Trust me this is going to hurt like hell, but right now you are her safety net and while she has that she isnt going to reach out to anyone who can help her. She obviously wants the help but right now thinks that you can provide that. By removing yourself from the situation you not only protect yourself from any extra stress (not that you will stop caring etc) but she will either hit rock bottom where she will find help or if she is already there then she will seek the help she needs.

Like I said this is merely from my own experiences and seems terrible right now but its for her benefit and yours. Keep praying, caring, thinking and worrying about her as this can never change, but dont be the one that enables her to remain in her current situation.