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The humor thread

The blond couldn't figure out the tiger puzzle, so she called her boyfriend to help. When he came over he said "Lets put the frosted flakes back in the box, okay."
 
A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
"Listen," said the CEO, "this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work for me?"
"Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
"Excellent, excellent!" said the CEO, as his paper disappeared inside the machine. "I just need one copy..."
 
A lady brings a duck into the veterinary clinic and says: “I think my duck is dead”. So the veterinarian takes a look at the duck, examines its heart, checks from head to tail and remarks: “Lady, your duck is dead”. The lady says: “No, I am not so sure, can you check into it a little bit further”. So he whistles and in comes his golden labrador dog. His dog puts his paws up on the table and sniffs the duck from front to back, shakes his head and leaves the room. The Vet says “Lady, your duck is dead”. The lady says: “No, No, No, I am not so sure that my duck is dead”. Lady asks “Can you triple check?” So he whistles again and in comes his cat. The cat jumps up on the table, sniffs the duck from head to tail, shakes his head and leaves the room. I’m sorry Lady, but your duck is dead!” The lady says: “Okay, I’ll accept that the duck is dead”. “Now how much do I owe you?” Well, the Vet says:” That will be $285”. The lady says: “$285 for what?” Well the Vet says: “The diagnostic was free. But the lab costs were $135 and the cat scan was $150”.
 
An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy.
He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, "Pull, Nellie, pull!" Buddy didn't move.
Then the farmer hollered, "Pull, Buster, pull!" Buddy didn't respond.
Once more the farmer commanded, "Pull, Coco, pull!" Nothing.
Then the farmer nonchalantly said, "Pull, Buddy, pull!" And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.
The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.
The farmer said, "Oh, Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn't even try!"
 
A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity, looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed... driving his partner nuts.
Finally his exasperated partner says, "What is taking so long? Hit the darned ball!"
The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."
"Give me a break! You don't stand a snowball's chance of hitting her from here."
 
A blonde holding a baby walks into a drug store and asks the clerk if she can use the store’s baby scale.
“Sorry, ma’am,” says the clerk. “Our baby scale is broken. But we can figure the baby’s weight if we weigh mother and baby together on the adult scale, and then weigh the mother alone, and subtract the second number from the first.”
“Oh, that won’t work,” says the blonde.
“Why not?” asks the clerk.
“Because,” she answers, “I’m not the mother - I’m the aunt.”.
 
A few minutes before the church services started,
The congregation was sitting in their pews and talking.
Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.
Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each
other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his
pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy
was in his presence..
So Satan walked up to the man and said, 'Do you know who I am?'
The man replied, 'Yep, sure do.'
'Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked.
'Nope, sure ain't.' said the man.
'Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?' asked Satan.
'Don't doubt it for a minute,' returned the old man, in an even tone.
'Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?'
persisted Satan.
'Yep,' was the calm reply.
'And you are still not afraid?' asked Satan.
' Nope,' said the old man
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, 'Why aren't you afraid of me?'
The man calmly replied, 'Been married to your sister for 48 years.
 
Somebody already posted this in another thread, but it works here too:


Also check out this one (in spoilers for SOME language):

Spoiler
 
A biology teacher wished to demonstrate to his students the harmful effects of alcohol on living organisms. For his experiment, he showed them a beaker with pond water in which there was a thriving civilization of worms. When he added some alcohol into the beaker the worms doubled-up and died.
"Now," he said,” what do you learn from this?"
An eager student gave his answer.
"Well the answer is obvious," he said " if you drink alcohol, you'll never have worms."
 
Our teacher asked us what our favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."
She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else in the class laughed. My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am. Fried chicken is my favorite animal.
I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef.
Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.
The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was.
I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, just like she'd asked the other children.
So I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.
She sent me back to the principal's office again. He laughed, and told me not to do it again. I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.
Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most.
I told her, "Colonel Sanders."
Guess where I am now...???
 
A man asks a trainer in the gym: "I want to impress that beautiful girl, which machine can I use?"
The trainer replied; "Use the ATM outside the gym!"
 
A teacher was testing the children in her Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting into heaven. She asked them, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big rummage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into Heaven?" "NO!" the children answered. "If I cleaned the church every day, cut the grass, and kept everything tidy, would that get me into Heaven?" Again, the answer was, "NO!" By now the teacher was starting to smile - this was fun! "Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave sweets to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into Heaven?" Again, they all answered, "NO!" Bursting with pride for them, the teacher continued: "So, how can I get into Heaven?"
Five-year-old Sean shouted out, "you have to be dead."
 
Q. Did you hear about the blind man who went bungee jumping?
A. He loved it, but it scared the hell out of his dog.
 
These two old fellers were sitting outside the barber shop when a dog walked up to them, laid down, and started licking its balls.

The one old timer turned to the other and said, "don't you wish you could do that?"

The other turned quickly and said, "hell no! That dog would bite you!"

tapatalk: even available for lefties!
 
TC said:
These two old fellers were sitting outside the barber shop when a dog walked up to them, laid down, and started licking its balls.

The one old timer turned to the other and said, "don't you wish you could do that?"

The other turned quickly and said, "hell no! That dog would bite you!"

tapatalk: even available for lefties!
Click to expand...

Hahaha good one TC.

Seems there was a treasure ship on its way back to port. About
halfway there, it was approached by a pirate, skull and crossbones waving
in the breeze!

"Captain, captain, what do we do?" asked the first mate.

"First mate," said the captain, "go to my cabin, open my sea
chest, and bring me my red shirt." The first mate did so.

Wearing his bright red shirt, the captain exhorted his crew to
fight. So inspiring was he, in fact, that the pirate ship was repelled
without casualties.

A few days later, the ship was again approached, this time by two
pirate sloops!

"Captain, captain, what should we do?"

"First mate, bring me my red shirt!"

The crew, emboldened by their fearless captain, fought heroically, and
managed to defeat both boarding parties, though they took many
casualties. That night, the survivors had a great celebration. The
first mate asked the captain the secret of his bright red shirt.

"It's simple, first mate. If I am wounded, the blood does not
show, and the crew continues to fight without fear."

A week passed, and they were nearing their home port, when
suddenly the lookout cried that ten ships of the enemy's armada were
approaching!

"Captain, captain, we're in terrible trouble, what do we do?"
The first mate looked expectantly at the miracle worker.

Pale with fear, the captain commanded, "First mate.... bring me my
brown pants!"
 
A man comes home after an assignment of 3-years and he finds there is an additional member of the family, a 19 month old toddler. Furious, he demands an explanation:
He says, "How could you have done this to me! Did you cheat on me with one of my friends, was it Josh, was it Nathan, or was it John?"
His wife with a daring look says, "Your friends! Your friends! Don't you think I have my own friends too?"
 
An old Country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession.
Like many young men his age, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it. One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects.
1. A Bible.....
2. A silver Dollar.....
3. A bottle of Whisky.....
4. And a Playboy magazine.....
'I'll just hide behind the door,' the old preacher said to himself. When he comes home from school today, I'll see which object he picks up.
If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be!
If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a businessman, and that would be okay, too.
But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunken bum, and Lord, what a shame that would be.
And worst of all if he picks up that magazine he's going to be a skirt-chasing womanizer.'
The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's foot-steps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room.
The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table.
With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them. Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink, while he admired this month's centerfold.
'Lord have mercy,'the old preacher disgustedly whispered. 'He's Gonna run for Congress.'
 
A hobo comes up to the front door of a neat looking farmhouse and raps gently on the door. When the farm owner answers, the hobo asks him, "Please, sir, could you give me something to eat? I haven't had a good meal in several days." The owner says, "I have made a fortune in my lifetime by supplying goods for people. I've never given anything away for nothing. However, if you go around the back, you will see a gallon of paint and a clean paint brush. If you will paint my porch in the back of the house, I will give you a good meal." So the hobo goes around back and a while later he again knocks on the door. The owner asks, "Finished already? Good. Come on in. Sit down. The cook will bring your meal right in." The hobo says, "Thank you very much, sir. But there's something that I think you should know. It's not a Porsche you got there. It's a BMW.."
 
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the supermarket, but couldn’t find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
 
DawgDaddy said:
A hobo comes up to the front door of a neat looking farmhouse and raps gently on the door. When the farm owner answers, the hobo asks him, "Please, sir, could you give me something to eat? I haven't had a good meal in several days." The owner says, "I have made a fortune in my lifetime by supplying goods for people. I've never given anything away for nothing. However, if you go around the back, you will see a gallon of paint and a clean paint brush. If you will paint my porch in the back of the house, I will give you a good meal." So the hobo goes around back and a while later he again knocks on the door. The owner asks, "Finished already? Good. Come on in. Sit down. The cook will bring your meal right in." The hobo says, "Thank you very much, sir. But there's something that I think you should know. It's not a Porsche you got there. It's a BMW.."
Click to expand...

Lol!! I had to read that one a second time to actually get it. Nice one.
 
NICE!!!! This was very entertaining...
 
In Chinese culture they say the two most impossible things to do is to: 1 put your idea into another persons head & 2 put others peoples money into your pocket.
If you want to be #1, be a teacher.
If you want to be #2, be a banker.
If you want to be both, you can't, that's your wife!


Tap to talk. Now I can get my fix on the go!
 
A nugget passed along to me from a friend:

Her Diary:

Well, we played golf together today. On the way home conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed but he kept quiet and aloof. I asked him what was wrong. He said nothing. I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry. When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there watching the golf channel. He seemed distant and absent. Finally, I decided to go to bed, about ten minutes later he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded to my caress and we made love, but I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts were somewhere else. After I took my makeup off, I decided to confront him with the situation but he had fallen asleep. I started crying and cried until I too fell asleep. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

His Diary:

Awful day at the golf course today! Company was good, but I shot a 94 - can't putt worth a damn! Got lucky though.
 
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