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The humor thread

Greg Kulbick said:
I had this idea that I was going to rope a deer, put it in a stall, Feed it up on corn for a couple of weeks, then kill it and eat it. The first step in this adventure was getting a deer. I figured that since they congregated at my cattle feeder and do not seem to have much fear of me when we are there (a bold one will sometimes come right up and sniff at the bags of feed while I am in the back of the truck not 4 feet away) that it should not be difficult to rope one, get up to it and toss a bag over its head (to calm it down) then hog tie it and transport it home.

I filled the cattle feeder then hid down at the end with my rope. The cattle, who had seen the roping thing before, stayed well back. They were not having any of it. After about 20 minutes my deer showed up - 3 of them. I picked out a likely looking one, stepped out from the end of the feeder, and threw my rope. The deer just stood there and stared at me. I wrapped the rope around my waist and twisted the end so I would have a good hold. The deer still just stood and stared at me, but you could tell it was mildly concerned about the whole rope situation. I took a step towards it...it took a step away. I put a little tension on the rope and received an education.

The first thing that I learned is that while a deer may just stand there looking at you funny while you rope it, they are spurred to action when you start pulling on that rope. That deer EXPLODED.

The second thing I learned is that pound for pound, a deer is a LOT stronger than a cow or a colt. A cow or a colt in that weight range I could fight down with a rope with some dignity. A deer, no chance.

That thing ran and bucked and twisted and pulled. There was no controlling it and certainly no getting close to it. As it jerked me off my feet and started dragging me across the ground, it occurred to me that having a deer on a rope was not nearly as good an idea as I originally imagined. The only up side is that they do not have as much stamina as many animals. A brief 10 minutes later, it was tired and not nearly as quick to jerk me off my feet and drag me when I managed to get up. It took me a few minutes to realize this, since I was mostly blinded by the blood flowing out of the big gash in my head.


At that point I had lost my taste for corn fed venison. I just wanted to get that devil creature off the end of that rope. I figured if I just let it go with the rope hanging around its neck, it would likely die slow and painfully somewhere. At the time, there was no love at all between me and that deer. At that moment, I hated the thing and I would venture a guess that the feeling was mutual. Despite the gash in my head and the several large knots where I had cleverly arrested the deer's momentum by bracing my head against various large rocks as it dragged me across the ground, I could still think clearly enough to recognize that there was a small chance that I shared some tiny amount of responsibility for the situation we were in, so I didn't want the deer to have it suffer a slow death so I managed to get it lined back up in between my truck and the feeder - a little trap I had set before hand. Kind of like a squeeze chute. I got it to back in there and started moving up so I could get my rope back.


Did you know that deer bite? They do! I never in a million years would have thought that a deer would bite somebody so I was very surprised when I reached up there to grab that rope and the deer grabbed hold of my wrist. Now, when a deer bites you, it is not like being bit by a horse where they just bite you and then let go. A deer bites you and shakes its head - almost like a pit bull.

They bite HARD and it hurts.


The proper thing to do when a deer bites you is probably to freeze and draw back slowly. I tried screaming and shaking instead. My method was ineffective. It seems like the deer was biting and shaking for several minutes, but it was likely only several seconds. I, being smarter than a deer (though you may be questioning that claim by now) tricked it. While I kept it busy tearing up my right arm, I reached up with my left hand and pulled that rope loose.

That was when I got my final lesson in deer behavior for the day. Deer will strike at you with their front feet. They rear right up on their back feet and strike right about head and shoulder level, and their hooves are surprisingly sharp. I learned a long time ago that when an animal like a horse strikes at you with their hooves and you can't get away easily, the best thing to do is try to make a loud noise and make an aggressive move towards the animal. This will usually cause them to back down a bit so you can escape. This was not a horse. This was a deer, so obviously such trickery would not work. In the course of a millisecond I devised a different strategy. I screamed like woman and tried to turn and run.


The reason I had always been told NOT to try to turn and run from a horse that paws at you is that there is a good chance that it will hit you in the back of the head. Deer may not be so different from horses after all, besides being twice as strong and three times as evil, because the second I turned to run, it hit me right in the back of the head and knocked me down. Now when a deer paws at you and knocks you down it does not immediately leave. I suspect it does not recognize that the danger has passed. What they do instead is paw your back and jump up and down on you while you are laying there crying like a little girl and covering your head.

I finally managed to crawl under the truck and the deer went away.


Now for the local legend. I was pretty beat up. My scalp was split open, I had several large goose eggs, my wrist was bleeding pretty good and felt broken (it turned out to be just badly bruised) and my back was bleeding in a few places, though my insulated canvas jacket had protected me from most of the worst of it. I drove to the nearest place, which was the co-op. I got out of the truck, covered in blood and dust. The guy who ran the place saw me through the window and came running out yelling "what happened"?


I have never seen any law in the state of Kansas that would prohibit an individual from roping a deer. I suspect that this is an area that they have overlooked entirely. Knowing, as I do, the lengths to which law enforcement personnel will go to exercise their power, I was concerned that they may find a way to twist the existing laws to paint my actions as criminal. I swear...not wanting to admit that I had done something monumentally stupid played no part in my response. I told him "I was attacked by a deer". I did not mention that at the time I had a rope on it. The evidence was all over my body. Deer prints on the back of my jacket where it had stomped all over me and a large deer print on my face where it had struck me there. I asked him to call somebody to come get me. I didn't think I could make it home on my own. He did. Later that afternoon, a game warden showed up at my house and wanted to know about the deer attack. Surprisingly, deer attacks are a rare thing and wildlife and parks was interested in the event. I tried to describe the attack as completely and accurately as I could. I was filling the grain hopper and this deer came out of nowhere and just started kicking the hell out of me and BIT me. It was obviously rabid or insane or something.


EVERYBODY for miles around knows about the deer attack (the guy at the co-op has a big mouth). For several weeks people dragged their kids in the house when they saw deer around and the local ranchers carried rifles when they filled their feeders. I have told several people the story, but NEVER anybody around here. I have to see these people every day and as an outsider - a "city folk" I have enough trouble fitting in without them snickering behind my back and whispering "there is the idiot that tried to rope the deer."
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Is this legit because I almost just peed myself!! Sooooooooooo funny!!
 
DawgDaddy said:
Two policemen call the station on the radio.
"Hello. Is that you Sarge?"
"Yes?"
"We have a case here. A woman has shot her husband for stepping on the floor she had just mopped clean."
"Have you arrested the woman?"
"No sir. The floor is still wet."
Click to expand...

hahahah I love the cheeser jokes. Well done, DD!
 
A plane was about to crash - a female passenger jumps frantically and yells, "If I'm going to die, then I want to die feeling like a woman!"
Then, she strips down to nothing and asks, "Is there anyone man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A gentleman stands up and takes off his shirt and says "Iron this!" Pa rump pump...
 
A little old lady went to buy cat food. She picked up three cans, but was told by the clerk, "I'm sorry, but we can't sell this to you without proof you have a cat. Too many seniors are buying cat foot to eat. Management wants proof that you are buying this for your cat." So the lady went home, brought in her cat and was sold the cat food. . . .

The next day, she tried to buy two cans of dog food and was again told she couldn't buy them without proof. So the lady went home, brought in her dog and was sold the dog food. . . .

One day later, she brought in a box with a hole in the lid and asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole. The cashier said, "No, you might have a snake in there." The lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would harm her. So the cashier put her finger into the box, quickly pulled it out and exclaimed, "That smells like crap." . . . The lady replied, "It is. I want to buy two rolls of toilet paper."
 
Hilarious:

 
A guy was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a
second golfer approached and asked if he could join him.

The first said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome.
They were even after the first few holes. The second guy said,
"We're about evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a hole?"
The first guy said that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to the terms.

The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease.
As they were walking off number eighteen, the second guy was busy
counting his $80.00.
He confessed that he was the pro at a neighboring course and
liked to pick on suckers.

The first fellow revealed that he was the Parish Priest.
The pro was flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money.
The Priest said, "You won fair and square and I was foolish
to bet with you. You keep your winnings."

The pro said, "Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"
The Priest said, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday
and make a donation.
And, if you want to bring your Mother and Father along,
I'll marry them.
 
The only cow in a small town in Ireland stopped giving milk,
then the town folk found they could buy a cow in Scotland quite
cheaply.

So, they brought the cow over from Scotland, it was absolutely
wonderful, it produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.

Then they bought a bull to mate with the cow, to get more cows, so
they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again.

They put the bull in the pasture with the cow, but whenever the bull
tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away.

No matter what approach the bull made, the cow would move away from
the bull and was never able to do the deed.

The people were very upset and decided to seek advice from the Vet.

Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he
approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches from
the front, she backs off. If he attempts it from the side, she walks
away to the other side.

The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully. After pondering for a while, he
asked, "Did you by chance, purchase this cow from Scotland?"

The people were dumbfounded, since they had never mentioned that they
had brought the cow from Scotland.

"You are truly a very intelligent Vet", they said, "How did you know
the cow came from Scotland?"

The Vet replied with a very distant look in his eye,
"My wife's from Scotland".
 
Two old guys, one 72 and one 77, were sitting on a park bench one morning.

The 77 year old had just finished his run for the morning and wasn't even out of breath.

The 72 year old was amazed at his elder's stamina and asked what he did to have so much energy.

The 77 year old replied, "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies".

So, on the way home, the 72 year old stopped at the bakery.

As he was looking around, the sales lady asked him if he needed any help.

He said, "Do you have any rye bread?"

She said, "Yes, there is a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"

He said, "Yes, please. I'll take five loaves."

She said, "My goodness, five loaves! By the time you get to the third loaf, it'll be hard".

He replied, "I can't believe everybody knows about this $hit, but me"!
 
A Texas State trooper pulled a car over on I-35 about 2 miles south of Waco Texas. When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a Magician and Juggler and was on his way to Austin Texas to do a show for the Shrine Circus. He didn't want to be late.

The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket. He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.

The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler said he could, so the trooper got 5 flares, lit them and handed them to him.

While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the State Troopers car. A drunken good old boy from central Texas got out, watched the performance, then went over to the Trooper's car, opened the rear door and got in. The trooper observed him and went over to the State car, opened the door asking the drunk what he thought he was doing.

The drunk replied, “You might as well take my arse to jail, cause there ain't no way I can pass that test.”
 
The Irish are a wonderful bunch of people, Always willing to help in a pinch .....

Shortly after take-off on an outbound evening Air Lingus flight from Dublin to Boston,
the lead flight attendant nervously made
the following painful announcement in her lovely Irish brogue:

Ladies and gentlemen, I'm so very sorry, but it appears that
there has been a terrible mix-up by our catering service.
I don't know how this has happened, but we have 103 passengers
on board, and unfortunately, we received only 40 dinner meals.
I truly apologize for this mistake and inconvenience.

When the muttering of the passengers had died down, she
continued, "Anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal so
that someone else can eat Will receive free, unlimited drinks
for the duration of our 5 hour flight "

Her next announcement came about 2 hours later:
"If anyone is hungry, we still have 40 dinners available".
 
Ron Chestna, 89 years of age, was stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and was asked where he was going at that time of night.
Ron replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
The officer asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"
Ron replied, "That would be my wife”.
 
A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking
homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.


The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"


"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.


"Will you spend this on green fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.


"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"


"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a hot shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."


The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?


The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking and golf."
 
What did one arse cheek say to the other?

If we stick together we can all this sh!t back!!!


I’m here all week. Please tip your servers and bartenders
 
Three women are about to be executed. One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blond. Two guards brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.

She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ." Suddenly the brunette yells, "earthquake!!" Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape. The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.

She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ." The redhead then screams, "tornado!!" Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution. By this point, the blonde had figured out what the others did. The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests.

She also says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ."

The blond shouts, "fire!!"
 
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