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The humor thread

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.”

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?”

The boy takes the quarters and leaves. “What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!”

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?”

The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”
 
Snow

Just got off the phone with a friend who lives in Maine.

She said that since early this morning the snow has been
nearly waist high and is still falling..

The temperature is dropping far below zero and the
north wind is increasing to near gale force.
Her husband has done nothing but look through the
kitchen window and just stare.

She says that if it gets much worse, she may have to let the drunken bastard in!
 
A Little Christmas Story

When four of Santa’s elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said very cheerfully, ‘Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn’t this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?’

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

Not a lot of people know this.
 
Got this in an email

There once was an Indian who had only one testicle and whose given the
name was "OneStone." He hated that name, and asked everyone not to
call him OneStone.

After years and years of torment, OneStone finally cracked, and said,
"If anyone calls me OneStone again, I will kill them!"

The word got around and nobody called him that any more.

Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot, and said, "Good
morning, OneStone."

He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest, where he
made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the
next day, until finally, Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

Word got around that OneStone meant what he said, and he would do what he
promised he would.

Years went by, and no one dared call him by his given name until a
woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away for
many ears. Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when
she saw OneStone. She hugged him and said, "Good to see you, OneStone."

OneStone grabbed her and took her deep into the forest. Then he made
love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next
day, and made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!

Why?

OH, come on.... Take a guess.


Think about it.


You're going to love this....


Everyone knows...

Spoiler
You can't kill two Birds with OneStone.
 
Sorry if this has been posted:

One day a man was out golfing came home to a wildly upset wife (it happens!)
Hearing the heated argument, the nieghbor called the cops.

When the cops showed up,the man was dead.
And there was the wife holding a 5 iron.

Cops asked is this man your husband?
Yup, the woman replied
Is he dead?
Yup, she replied
Did you kill him?
Yes, she mumbled
Did you hit him with that golf club?
I did, she replied.
How many times did you strike your husband with that golf club?
5.... wait, put me down for a 4.
 
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers, and says: “Five beers, please.”
 
I'm sure a version of this has been posted already but just in case... this is from memory so bear with me

A man and his wife are lying in bed.

Wife: "if I were to die, would you remarry?"

Man: "I'm not sure. Would you want me to?"

Wife: "Yes, I think so. I'd want you to be happy."

Man: "So then you would remarry if I were to pass away?"

Wife: "I think so."

Man, surprised: "Would you live in this house? Sleep in this bed?"

Wife: "I assume we would."

a few seconds of silence

Man, incredulous: "Would you let him use my golf clubs?!?"

Wife: "Don't be silly. he's left handed."
 
A man received the following text from his neighbor: I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, more than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again.

The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.

A few moments later, a second text came in: Damn autocorrect. I meant "wifi", not "wife".
 
1004972_224863301051044_156178103_n.jpg
 
A group of Kentucky second, third, and fourth graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to Churchill Downs,
the famous Louisville race track, to see and learn about thoroughbred horses.

When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.

The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.
Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the boys up, one by one, holding onto their "wee-wees" to direct the flow away from their clothes.

As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, "You must be in the fourth grade."

He replied, "No, ma'am, I'm riding Silver Arrow in the 7th race today.
 
a_258_20140310023804.jpg
 
Do you know the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver?

From the bad golfer you hear: Whack! Awe nuts!

From the bad skydiver you hear: Awe Nuts! Whack!
 
A young man wanted to buy his first car. Looking for ways to make extra cash, he decided to scavenge for golf balls at the local course. He took the first bus to the course and started grabbing as many as he could. After less than an hour, his pockets were stuffed so he headed home to prepare his bounty for sale.

On the bus ride home, this young man was lucky enough to sit down next to a very attractive blonde. She smiled at him then glanced down at his bulging pockets. With a surprised look, she asked: "what's that?" The young man replied "Oh, these are golf balls." Her eyes got as big as saucers. "Oh my goodness," she replied. "Does it hurt as bad as tennis elbow?"
 
GLOBAL FACTS ABOUT SEX



At any given moment:

FACT: 79,000,000 people are having sex - right now.

FACT: 58,000,000 are kissing.

FACT: 37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex.

FACT: 1 old person is reading posts on a forum.




You hang in there, Sunshine
 
Two 85-year-old men had been friends all of their lives. When it was clear
that Frank was dying, Joe visited him every day. One day Joe said, "Frank,
we both loved playing golf all our lives, and we started playing soon after
high school. Please do me one favor: when you get to heaven, somehow you
must let me know if there's golf there."

Frank looked up at Joe from his deathbed and said, "Joe, you've been my best
friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favor for you."
Shortly after that, Frank died.

A few weeks later, Joe was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash
of white light and a voice calling out to him, "Joe, Joe ."
"Who is it," asked Joe, sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"
"Joe -- it's me, Frank"

"You're not Frank . Frank just died."
"I'm telling you, it's me, Frank," insisted the voice.
"Frank, Where are you?"

"In heaven," replied Frank. "I have some really good news and a little bad
news."

"Tell me the good news first," said Joe.

"The good news," Frank said with joy and enthusiasm, "is that there is golf
in heaven. Better yet, all of our old buddies who died before me are here
too. Even better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always
Summertime and it never rains. And best of all, we can play golf all we
want, and we never get tired. " And we get to play with all the Greats of
the past.

"That's fantastic," said Joe "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the
bad news?"

"You're in my foursome this Saturday"
 
Got this email today


Nine Thoughts to Ponder


Number 9 - Death is the number 1 killer in the world.

Number 8 - Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 7 - Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Number 6 - Men have two emotions: hungry and horny, and they can't tell them apart. If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.

Number 5 - Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.

Number4 - Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

Number 3 - All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Number 2 - In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.

Number 1 - Life is like a jar of jalapeno peppers. What you do today might burn your butt tomorrow.



...and as someone recently said to me:

Don't worry about old age; it doesn't last that long.
 
After an examination, the doctor said to his patient: 'You appear to be in
good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me
about?'
'In fact, I do.' said the old man. "After my wife and I have sex, I'm
usually cold and chilly; and then, after I have sex with her the second
time, I'm usually hot and sweaty."
When the doctor examined his wife a short time later he said, 'Everything
appears to be fine. Are there any medical concerns that you would like to
discuss with me?' The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.
The doctor then said to her: 'Your husband mentioned an unusual problem. He
claimed that he was usually cold and chilly after having sex with you the
first time; and then hot and sweaty after the second time. Do you have any
idea about why?'
"Oh, that crazy old coot'' she replied. "That's because the first time is
usually in December, and the second time is in June."
 
She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.

As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, 'You've got to make love to me this very moment!'

My eyes lit up and I thought, 'I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!'

Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards, she said, 'Thanks,' and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, 'What was that all about?'

She explained, 'The egg timer's broken.'
 
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"
The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him."
He said, "Hello George, what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group fell silent for a moment.
The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"
 


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Subject: WALKING ON THE GRASS



















WALKING ON THE GRASS


The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands.

The instructor said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier.

Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surface like grass or a path."

"Gentlemen, remember -- you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her. In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both."

The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information.

After a few moments a man, name unknown, at the back of the room, slowly raised his hand.

"Yes?" said the Instructor.

"I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

Brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?

This kind of sensitivity just can't be taught.












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