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The humor thread

Want to hear a potassium joke? K..
Want to hear a sodium joke? Na...
I'm gonna Cesium now!
 
bogey_russ said:
Bob forgot his wedding anniversary.
His wife was mad. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!!"
The next morning when his wife woke up, she looked out the window to find a box… gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. . .
Bob has been missing since Friday!
Click to expand...

Lol haha

I tapatalk better then I tapaputt
 
What's the difference between a circus and a whorehouse?




A circus is a cunning array of stunts.:D
 
bogey_russ said:
Bob forgot his wedding anniversary.
His wife was mad. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!!"
The next morning when his wife woke up, she looked out the window to find a box… gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. . .
Bob has been missing since Friday!
Click to expand...

haha that is hilarious!
 
The DJ at a wedding reception made an announcement: "All you married guys, stand next to the person that has made your life worth living" Moments later, the bartender was crushed to death.
 
MarcW said:
The DJ at a wedding reception made an announcement: "All you married guys, stand next to the person that has made your life worth living" Moments later, the bartender was crushed to death.
Click to expand...
was ready to post this one until I looked---still funny!!
 
Once there was a man whose house was in a flood. He stood on the porch as the waters rose. A boat came by, the driver urged the man to get on board but the man said he was waiting on the Lord to save him. The waters rose, the first floor was flooded and as the man looked out his second story window, another boat came to rescue him. The man turned the boat away, saying he would wait for God to rescue him.

Finally he was clinging to the chimney on the roof. A helicopter flew overhead and dropped down a ladder. The man waved it off, saying Jesus would save his life. Finally he was swept away in the waters and drowned. At the pearly gates, he saw St. Peter who said. "What are you doing here, it's not your time yet?" The man said "I was waiting for the Lord to save me if it got that bad." St. Peter said, "We sent you two boars and a helicopter, what more do you want?"
 
Just think how stupid the average person is, and then realize that half the population is stupider than that.
 
Wife finds her husband up alone at night. She watches him wipe a tear from his eye. "What's the matter?" Husband says, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 17?" The wife touched at him caring says "Yes, I do. "You remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car and shoved a shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years". I remember" she replies softly. He cries "I would have gotten out today
 
A couple of work mates skipped work one afternoon to get a round if golf in.

They were going well until they caught up to a pair of ladies who slowed them down. This carried on for a few holes, when one of them says "tell you what, we'll tee off at the next hole then I'll run up and ask if we can play through".

"good idea" says his mate.

So they tee off and the first man runs up to the ladies - he gets halfway, then stops suddenly and runs back.

"sh1t. He says, you'd better do it - that's my wife and mistress playing together!!!"

So they tee off at the next hole and the 2nd man runs up - he gets halfway, then runs back.....

He says "small world isn't it!"


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That's a good one ^^^^

A good joke I once heard told by Lewis Black:

"Dick Cheney."
 
Squirrels and religion

Squirrels and religion

There were five houses of religion in a small town: The Presbyterian Church, The Baptist Church, The Methodist Church , The Catholic Church and The Jewish Synagogue.

Each church and Synagogue was overrun with pesky squirrels.

One day, the Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.

In The Baptist Church the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the baptistery and drown the squirrels in it. The squirrels escaped somehow and there were twice as many there the next week

The Methodist Church got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creation. So, they humanely trapped the Squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.

But -- The Catholic Church came up with the best and most effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church.
Now they only see them on Christmas , Ash Wednesday, Palm Sunday and Easter.

Not much was heard about the Jewish Synagogue, but they took one squirrel and had a short service with him called circumcision and they haven't seen a squirrel on the property since.
 
So this traveling salesmen is driving down this county road when he sees a pig with a wooden leg. Intrigued, he pulls over and confronts the idle overalled farmer with a hay sprig jutting out of his maw.

“Hey, Jeb, what’s with the pig with the wooden leg?”

Well … you see … that thar pig …saved my son the other day. He dang near drowned in the pond and the pig pulled him out, pumped his stomach, did that CPR by the book, he did, and my boy escaped death, again. I love that thar pig.

“OK, Jeb, but what’s with the wooden leg.”

Well … you see … a pig that good … you’re not going to eat him all at once!
 
When my doctor asked me about what I did yesterday, I told him about
my day:

"Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded across the edge of a lake, escaped
from a batch of wild animals in the heavy brush, marched up and down some
very steep hills, stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of quicksand,
and jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake"

Inspired by my story, the doctor said, "You must be an awesome
outdoorsman!"

"No," I replied, "I'm just a lousy golfer."
 
10 things in golf that sound dirty
1. Look at the size of his putter.

2. Oh, dang, my shaft's all bent.

3. You really wacked the hell out of that sucker.

4. After 18 holes I can barely walk.

5. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.

6. Lift your head and spread your legs.

7. You have a nice stroke, but your follow through leaves a lot to be desired.

8. Just turn your back and drop it.

9. Hold up. I've got to wash my balls.

10. Damn, I missed the hole again.
 
Two Middle East mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over

a plate of tabouli and a pint of goat's milk.

The older of the two pulls a small folder out of her handbag

and starts flipping through photos. They start reminiscing.

''This is my oldest son, Mujibar. He would have been 24 years old now.''


''Yes, I remember him as a baby.'' says the other mother

cheerfully.

"He's a martyr now though." the mother confides.

"Oh, so sad dear...'' says the other.

''And this is my second son, Khalid. He would have

been 21.''

''Oh, I remember him,'' says the other happily, ''he had

such curly hair when he was born.''

''He's a martyr too...'' says the mother quietly.

''Oh, gracious me...'' says the other.

''And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed.

He would have been 18 '', she whispers.

"Yes," says the friend enthusiastically, ''I remember

when he first started school...''

''He's a martyr also,'' says the mother, with tears in

her eyes.

After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim

mother looks wistfully at the photographs and, searching

for the right words, says . . .



"They blow up so fast, don't they?"
 
A hiway patrolman made a traffic stop on an elderly lady. He asked for her driver's license, proof of insurance and registration. In the paper work he found a conceal carry permit. He asked if she had a weapon. She said, "I have a .45 in the glove box. He asked, "Any other weapons?" She said, "Yes, a 9mm Glock in the console and a .38 Special in my purse." The Trooper asked, "Lady, what are you afraid of?" She said, "Not a damn thing!"
 
I love that one Smallie.
 
BUTTERCUPS AND GOLF BALLS



Towardsthe end of a round of golf, Dave hit his ball into the woods and found it in a
patch of pretty, yellow buttercups.



Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every
buttercup in the patch.



All of a sudden? POOF!!



In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared.



She said, 'I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those
buttercups? Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any butter for
your popcorn for the rest of your life... better still, you won't have
any butter for your toast for the rest of your life.... As a matter of fact,
you'll never have any butter for anything for the rest of your life!!!'



Then POOF!... she was gone!



After Dave recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend, 'Fred, where
are you?'



Fred yells back 'I'm over here in the ***** willows.'



Dave shouts back, 'DON'T SWING, Fred! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON'T
SWING!!!!!
 
buzzd said:
Wife finds her husband up alone at night. She watches him wipe a tear from his eye. "What's the matter?" Husband says, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 17?" The wife touched at him caring says "Yes, I do. "You remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car and shoved a shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years". I remember" she replies softly. He cries "I would have gotten out today
Click to expand...

Nice one lol, I just told that one too my wife
 
Xt1ncT-NZ said:
A couple of work mates skipped work one afternoon to get a round if golf in.

They were going well until they caught up to a pair of ladies who slowed them down. This carried on for a few holes, when one of them says "tell you what, we'll tee off at the next hole then I'll run up and ask if we can play through".

"good idea" says his mate.

So they tee off and the first man runs up to the ladies - he gets halfway, then stops suddenly and runs back.

"sh1t. He says, you'd better do it - that's my wife and mistress playing together!!!"

So they tee off at the next hole and the 2nd man runs up - he gets halfway, then runs back.....

He says "small world isn't it!"


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Click to expand...

Another great one, I haven't visited this thread in a couple weeks but every time I do I laugh out loud at so many of these jokes. Thanks guys
 
A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship and orders a Scotch with two
drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says,

'I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today..'

The bartender says, 'Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me.'

As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, 'I would like to buy you a drink, too.'

The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.'

'Coming up,' says the bartender.

As she finishes that drink, the man to her left says, 'I would like to
buy you one, too.'

The old woman says, 'Thank you. Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.'

'Coming right up,' the bartender says.

As he gives her the drink, he says, 'Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?'

The old woman replies, 'Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.'
 
Xt1ncT-NZ said:
A couple of work mates skipped work one afternoon to get a round if golf in.

They were going well until they caught up to a pair of ladies who slowed them down. This carried on for a few holes, when one of them says "tell you what, we'll tee off at the next hole then I'll run up and ask if we can play through".

"good idea" says his mate.

So they tee off and the first man runs up to the ladies - he gets halfway, then stops suddenly and runs back.

"sh1t. He says, you'd better do it - that's my wife and mistress playing together!!!"

So they tee off at the next hole and the 2nd man runs up - he gets halfway, then runs back.....

He says "small world isn't it!"


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Click to expand...

Haha nice! I lol'd


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk
 
[h=6]An immigrant from Mexico, after walking through the desert came upon a soda machine and being extremely thirsty went up to buy one. The machine's price was $1.10 , the guy put in a dollar bill and the LED flashed "DIME" so he leaned in towards the coin slot and said "una Coca Cola[/h]
 
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