We've launched the new forums! Read more here

Fart tales

Slammin'SAM

Slammin'SAM

Never a flatbelly
Joined
Aug 28, 2009
Messages
1,529
Reaction score
114
Location
Augusta GA
Handicap
Rare play
I posted this in another thread, but then decided this might make a pretty funny thread on its own - so here are a couple of my fart stories, and I hope THP'ers will contribute theirs.


Once Mrs SAM and I were in a shoe outlet at Hilton Head, the only customers in the store. My wife was a couple of rows over from me, and I was looking at the clearance shelves, when that powerful urge struck and I cut a big but pretty quiet one. It smelled like a dead animal mated with a sewage spill, and I beat it to a different part of the store. Of course right then, a young couple walks in the door and make a beeline to the clearance shelves, and from the other side of the store I watch them looking around bewildered, probably afraid one of them had stepped in something. Then my wife ratted me out, and told them what I had done. Me, I headed for the exit.

When I was in college and dating my hometown sweetheart, we went to church with her family and were sitting on the front row. During a time of meditation, her brother leaned up on the pew and cut the loudest one I ever heard, and then turned toward me and gave me this flagrant accusing glare. Of course, I turned beet red, and a church of probably 200 people thought I had done it.

Mrs SAM and I had just flown into Miami for a family reunion cruise, and met an aunt and uncle of hers that she had never met before. Then the group of us, about 8 of us, got on a shuttle to the hotel, along with another young couple. Well, Mrs SAM had a nervous stomach from the flight, and halfway to the motel she let out a couple of silent but deadly's, a 10 on the foul scale. Her sister started to accuse her hubby of the deed, but when my bride pulled out her perfume and started spritzing it in the air, we all knew the culprit.
 
I find farts hilarious and have a few stories, although not sure how appropriate they are for this forum.
The one I will tell is I went on a booze cruise to France with my girlfriend at the time, Mum and her other half. Got absolutely trollied in Calais then headed back to the ferry to England. There’s a passenger bus that takes foot passengers from the terminal to the ferry. We were crammed in like sardines, but luckily we all had seats. I was sat new to to my girlfriend on the first set of raised seats just behind the middle set of doors. My mum and her other half were sat on the opposite side of the aisle. I needed to fart, so lifted my cheek and let out one of the loudest farts of my life (amplified against the plastic seat). The whole bus heard and before anyone could think who the hell did that, I started killing myself laughing 10 pints to the wind. I think my old dear was deeply proud of me that day.
I’ll wait and see how this thread progresses before I tell my all time fart story.


#FiberLaunch
 
My roommate in college provided this classic tale. He was in the middle of a business theory class and was struggling because he had partied pretty hard the night before. He was seated in the back and drifting in and out of sleep mid class. As he settled into sleep he began to dream and in his dream he was at class and he farted so loud everyone was looking at him in horror. Something made him wake from his slumber and as he did he noticed everyone, professor included, were staring at him in disbelief. He hadn’t dreamt it, he turbo farted himself awake in the middle of class.
 
The campfire scene in Blazing Saddles. Inexplicably, the Christian Broadcasting Network aired it one night and they strategically silenced the sound effects during the good parts of the campfire scene. My wife, who is always convulsed by a good fart gag, was laughing uncontrollably.

I've always wanted a drug commercial to list "excessive flatulence" as one of the side effects. I finally found one, but it was a GEICO commercial.

My in-laws had a basset hound who loved nothing more than to waddle behind their sofa and clear the room with a silent but deadly toot. Very late in life, she wound up on heart pills, which made her very noisily flatulent. But she couldn't let loose until she first wheezed three times. How many times I wish we had that on video.
 
2017 Kickoff Classic -Stepping up to the tee box I could feel it growing in me but figured I would be able to work through it and hit mu ball while holding it in. Take my normal backswing and all is fine but on the transition down i must have loosened my clench and let out a fog horn sounding blast. I start to laugh (because nobody knew of the internal struggle I was going through on the tee...which I eventually lost) and deposit my tee shot into the water. The best part was when I turned to my playing partners and explained to them that I had to FAHT (in my best Boston accent) in my swing. They just lost it and couldn't stop laughing...mostly because of my pronunciation of the of word. Jdtox, McJoey, and SoxFan could probably explain it better. I think they video'd me the rest of the round hoping for a repeat of me FAHTING!
 
greg19 said:
2017 Kickoff Classic -Stepping up to the tee box I could feel it growing in me but figured I would be able to work through it and hit mu ball while holding it in. Take my normal backswing and all is fine but on the transition down i must have loosened my clench and let out a fog horn sounding blast. I start to laugh (because nobody knew of the internal struggle I was going through on the tee...which I eventually lost) and deposit my tee shot into the water. The best part was when I turned to my playing partners and explained to them that I had to FAHT (in my best Boston accent) in my swing. They just lost it and couldn't stop laughing...mostly because of my pronunciation of the of word. Jdtox, McJoey, and SoxFan could probably explain it better. I think they video'd me the rest of the round hoping for a repeat of me FAHTING!
Click to expand...
Aww man sorry I missed that!

Sent from my SM-G920V using Tapatalk
 
2 words...

Dutch Oven!

My wife gets mad at me. Every time she says dutch oven (the cooking pot) I start laughing. :D
 
Wow.

Interesting thread.
 
This thread made my day better... fantastic stories.
 
I was grocery shopping with my daughter who was maybe 3 years old at the time. I'm pushing the cart down an aisle and she was chattering away happily in the seat when all of a sudden, her face scrunched up and she yelled out "EWWWWW someone faaaaaaaaaaaaaarted. It's stinky!!"

Then, she pointed at a woman who was about 10 feet away and yelled "I think it was HER! She faaaaaaaaaaaaarted stinky!!!!"

I apologized profusely, told the woman I was sure she hadn't farted, and skipped the rest of that aisle.
 
I was hoping to get some good stories, and so far, so good!

We aren't the only ones to appreciate a good fart story. I was watching an interview show some years back with Arnold Palmer and Gary Player telling some behind the scenes stories about their careers, some good stuff. Then Gary launched into a new story, and Arnold quickly says "you aren't going to tell THAT one, are you?", but Gary was unfazed, and Arnie sat there looking peeved as Gary told a fart story on Arnie. What I remember most (I don't remember the story actually) was Gary giggling like a schoolgirl and Arnie grimacing as he told the story. I was never in the past a big Gary fan, but this episode was totally endearing, and I have liked him ever since.
 
kevin81002 said:
2 words...

Dutch Oven!

My wife gets mad at me. Every time she says dutch oven (the cooking pot) I start laughing. :D
Click to expand...

Seriously, whoever invented window locks in cars, pure genius! Along with heated seats and recirculation. LOL
 
One of my first dates with my now wife, I held a fart in for like 2 hours straight. It was horrible. Pull up in front of her college dorm and drop her off. Went back to my car and just sat there and ripped a 60 second fart. Cars were backed up behind me and I didn't care. Just sat there and let it rip.
 
Fart tales

Ok, this story involves one of my ex’s. I used to have a 200 miles drive to my Mum’s house, all motorway. There were a few service stations on the way (rest areas with gas, and a central building housing food courts, toilets etc.). Coming back from my mum’s house one evening after my girlfriend and I had been and stayed for a few days, we decide to pull off the motorway just outside of Oxford to use the facilities at the service station there.
As usual we agreed to meet at the entrance to the loo’s. And as usual, I was outside first. I’m waiting a couple of minutes when my girlfriend comes running out of the toilet looking rather flustered. Before I can ask her what’s wrong, she grabs my arm and says go.! She proceeds to pull me through the crowds inside and out towards the car.
What the hell is wrong I’m asking. Just get to the car, I’ll tell you when we’re moving!
I literally have no idea what the hell is going on, but after running to the car she jumps in and yells drive!
I’m feeling like we’ve just robbed the place! Anyway, we pull back onto the motorway and I’m now demanding what the hell is going on.
It turns out the love of my life at that moment had walked in to the toilet and as most women do, hovered over the toilet to have a wee. However, during this particular wee, she also decided she needed to fart. What better place to do it than in a bathroom stall. She pumped her gas and thought nothing of it till she turned around ready to flush the loo. Her fart was actually a shart, and she had sprayed the wall behind her with you know what. Rather than attempt a clean up, she chose the option to leave and run.
I think we split up soon after that.


#FiberLaunch
 
Mark_UK said:
Ok, this story involves one of my ex’s. I used to have a 200 miles drive to my Mum’s house, all motorway. There were a few service stations on the way (rest areas with gas, and a central building housing food courts, toilets etc.). Coming back from my mum’s house one evening after my girlfriend and I had been and stayed for a few days, we decide to pull off the motorway just outside of Oxford to use the facilities at the service station there.
As usual we agreed to meet at the entrance to the loo’s. And as usual, I was outside first. I’m waiting a couple of minutes when my girlfriend comes running out of the toilet looking rather flustered. Before I can ask her what’s wrong, she grabs my arm and says go.! She proceeds to pull me through the crowds inside and out towards the car.
What the hell is wrong I’m asking. Just get to the car, I’ll tell you when we’re moving!
I literally have no idea what the hell is going on, but after running to the car she jumps in and yells drive!
I’m feeling like we’ve just robbed the place! Anyway, we pull back onto the motorway and I’m now demanding what the hell is going on.
It turns out the love of my life at that moment had walked in to the toilet and as most women do, hovered over the toilet to have a wee. However, during this particular wee, she also decided she needed to fart. What better place to do it than in a bathroom stall. She pumped her gas and thought nothing of it till she turned around ready to flush the loo. Her fart was actually a shart, and she had sprayed the wall behind her with you know what. Rather than attempt a clean up, she chose the option to leave and run.
I think we split up soon after that.


#FiberLaunch
Click to expand...

sounds like a keeper, can't believe you kids broke up! That is freaking tragically hilarious.
 
mancest said:
sounds like a keeper, can't believe you kids broke up! That is freaking tragically hilarious.
Click to expand...

The thing is, that wasn’t her first incident, otherwise I might have kept her. If a thread comes up where I can tell you about the time she pissed in someone’s doorway in Calais, you’ll see why she wasn’t a keeper LOL.


#FiberLaunch
 
Mark_UK said:
The thing is, that wasn’t her first incident, otherwise I might have kept her. If a thread comes up where I can tell you about the time she pissed in someone’s doorway in Calais, you’ll see why she wasn’t a keeper LOL.


#FiberLaunch
Click to expand...
We need to play again soon, I had an ex that passed out on the loo... twice in a 2 week period.
 
greg19 said:
2017 Kickoff Classic -Stepping up to the tee box I could feel it growing in me but figured I would be able to work through it and hit mu ball while holding it in. Take my normal backswing and all is fine but on the transition down i must have loosened my clench and let out a fog horn sounding blast. I start to laugh (because nobody knew of the internal struggle I was going through on the tee...which I eventually lost) and deposit my tee shot into the water. The best part was when I turned to my playing partners and explained to them that I had to FAHT (in my best Boston accent) in my swing. They just lost it and couldn't stop laughing...mostly because of my pronunciation of the of word. Jdtox, McJoey, and SoxFan could probably explain it better. I think they video'd me the rest of the round hoping for a repeat of me FAHTING!
Click to expand...

I've learned to just let it all out before teeing up. At least that way, I have control of my cheeks/an00s so I can adjust the force/volume of my fart. I might be able to clench my cheeks shut during the backswing, but as soon as I initiate the downswing, not only do my cheeks let go, but the fart comes out with the force and volume of a jet engine with full afterburners! Don't know about you guys but I'm past the point in my life where I'll gamble between a fart and a shart :laughing:
 
Slammin'SAM said:
When I was in college and dating my hometown sweetheart, we went to church with her family and were sitting on the front row. During a time of meditation, her brother leaned up on the pew and cut the loudest one I ever heard, and then turned toward me and gave me this flagrant accusing glare. Of course, I turned beet red, and a church of probably 200 people thought I had done it.
Click to expand...

He who farts in Church sits in his own pew
 
 
Mother In Law

My wife and I were in a grocery store with her 80 year old mother. While looking at melons, her mother let loose with a very loud long wet one. She never looked up but kept looking at the melons. My wife said “Mom, not in public!”. Her response with a very innocent face was, “I didn’t think it was THAT loud.” Smell was so bad we had to leave the store.
 
Canadan said:
I can’t believe this is a thread.
Click to expand...

Nor can I. My general experience since I moved over is Americans don’t farts half as funny as the Brits, especially in the work place!!!


#FiberLaunch
 
Hey DDec.....


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk Pro
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top