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Loss of a friend to suicide

julie_m

julie_m

EveryoneLovesACallyGirl
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I just learned today that one of my friends passed - and I learned she took her own life. I'm stunned and confused and trying to process - I know everyone says this when someone passes, but she was SO beautiful. And she was smart and successful and classy and really together. A happy and social girl with a law degree, good job she seemed to like, active dating life, and friends who loved her. I admired her SO much, she was like a role model to me. Basically, not the depressed sad person hiding in their basement that you imagine when you think about suicide.

I'm at such a loss at comprehending this. I feel so guilty since I was just thinking of her and wanting to call her, but the last time we spoke wasn't the best of terms (she canceled some plans last minute), I invited her out to my birthday (didn't hear back) and I sent her a message on her birthday (that she didn't respond to), so I figured the ball was in her court when for when she wanted to talk to me. Instead of pushing and being a good friend I let it go, but now I'm thinking that was just the crappiest decision and you shouldn't let some disappointments get between you and the people you love.

I'm not sure the point of this message...maybe someone has seen this already and can speak to it better than I can. But:

Tell your friends and loved ones today that you love them. Now. Don't wait a couple days to put in the call. And don't assume someone is happy and all together because they put on a happy face. Don't be too busy to show some :love:.
 
I'm truly sorry for your loss.
 
Sorry to hear about this Julie.
 
I too have lost someone close in my life recently, my cousin took his life early September.

Its tough to deal with, but there seem tobe alot of really helpful people on here who will more than gladly listen if you need it.

I am sorry for your loss.
 
Julie, suicide is a confusing act, and unfortunately reasons for and understanding of it do not become much clearer as time passes. My wife has a very close friend whose husband took his life last Spring. He was the father of four ranging in age from 10 to 20. He was a hard worker that had had some employment problems like many others, but somehow he must have decided his choice was for the best.

Not to taint your post with a story of my own, but though six months have past, there is still no understanding of the act itself, and I doubt there ever truly will be. Those close to our friend try to take solace in remembering the kind of person they always thought him to be: a caring father, a hard worker, a loving husband, a good friend. Many of those close to him try to help his wife and kids whenever possible.

I think in most cases that's all that can be done. Remember your friend for the wonderful person you obviously thought she was, do not torment yourself trying to understand why she did what did. Do not torment yourself over your last encounters, there is no upside to that in the least.

My condolences to you and those close to your friend.

Kevin
 
Sorry for your loss Julie.
 
Sorry for your loss.
I am going to pick up the phone tomorrow and call a few people that I have been neglecting.
 
Sorry for your loss. It is certainly hard to lose a friend in any situation.
 
Sorry for your loss, Julie.
 
Julie-don't blame yourself, you reached out to her 3 times, and each time, she did not respond to you. This was probably the first indicator that something was amiss. Even with our best friends we really don't know what is going on in their minds, we basically see only what they want us to see.

Suicide is defined as the total loss of hope, evidently somethingh happened in her life to cause her to lose all hope. Feel better.
 
Julie - I'm very sorry for the loss of your close friend. As Esox wrote, keep the memory of your friend as she was - a wonderful person, role model and close friend.

If it's any consolation, keep in mind that you sharing your loss with the members here helps us all to remember how precious our friends and family are, and that while your friend is gone, she helped others - some she didn't even know - realize that how important it is to say we love each other, as often as we can.

Take care and God Bless. I said a quick prayer for peace and comfort in this trying time for you and your friend's family and other friends.
 
So very sorry to hear of what your friend chose to do. You cannot shoulder the blame for this yourself. In the end, the only person you can save is yourself. You did everything you could to maintain her friendship and keep the lines of communication open. Her lack of response broke the chain, not you. I feel for all her friends and family who are left to live with the pain of her decision. I just cannot fathom suicide except to eliminate pain in a terminal situation. May you hasten through your grieving.
 
Julie, sorry for your loss. I know after something like this the tendency is to analyze every interaction and to try and see what you could have done to prevent it or at least recognize her pain. But don't think you should have seen something or known something was wrong. All you could do is to be there if she wanted to talk and you did that.

There are several studies that indicate that attorneys have higher rates of depression and suicide than other professions and that attorneys are less likely to seek help. I have worked some with the Texas Bar's Lawyers' Assistance Program and the attorneys I have worked with didn't seek any help until something happend to put their law license in jeopardy.

My condolences to you and her other friends and family.
 
Condolences to you on your loss of a friend. I lost a brother to what I call "slow" suicide do to alcoholism. You most likely will never understand what caused your friend to take this journey. You are right to mourn your loss, but eventually you will have to move on, while savoring both the fun, and not so fun memories you both shared.
 
Please accept my condolances. I will say a quick prayer for you and the your friend's family.
 
Julie,

Don't beat yourself up with thoughts of what you could have or should have done because in the end, there is no way to really know what a person is thinking. She obviously meant a lot to you and judging by the way you speak of her, I'm sure she knew that. Your friend chose a path that she felt was her only option and whether that was right or wrong is anyone's guess but it was her decision.

You feel hurt, you feel angry, confused and frightened and that's perfectly normal. No amount of words or understanding is going to change that right now nor should it. Just try to understand that your friend made a choice and try to respect that choice and though there is now much sadness in your heart, remember her as the person you loved and let time take care of the rest.

I'm truly sorry for your loss.


-JP
 
julie_m said:
I'm not sure the point of this message...maybe someone has seen this already and can speak to it better than I can. But:

Tell your friends and loved ones today that you love them. Now. Don't wait a couple days to put in the call. And don't assume someone is happy and all together because they put on a happy face. Don't be too busy to show some :love:.
Click to expand...


Nope...you spoke it just fine
 
Sorry for your loss, Julie.
Amen to the notion of telling the people you love that you love them. Life is too short and can end too suddenly to not show the people whom you love how much they mean to you.
 
Sorry to hear Julie. I went through it this summer with a friend of about 20 years. This may not be the right thing to say, but I felt cheated. I wish I new what was wrong, but he was too selfish to share it with us friends. I'll send prayers to you and the family.
 
Oh Honey, I'm so sorry!
 
Julie, some people are in so much internal pain that no matter what anyone says or does it will not make a difference. There was no way you could anticipated what she was going to do, especially how you described her.

Suicidal individuals are obviously not thinking clearly, the pain they feel is so overwhelming they just want it to go away, and they see suicide as the only way out. They can't see that there might be some hope in the future because there is no future in their eyes, only overwhelming pain.

There is nothing you could have done, Julie. Had she wanted to reach out (to family members, to a hot line, to a hospital, to friends) she could have. She did not see any hope, and the despair ran so deep she saw no alternative. Some people, not all, are very good at masking despair and as a result no one, not even those they are closest to, could anticipate such an action.

I am sorry about your friend. I am sorry for you. I am sorry for her family. It's so sad when someone sees suicide as the only way out, because there are alternatives, and there are people who can help.
 
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Hi guys,

Thanks to you all so much for your messages and PMs. I've been reading them although I wasn't sure what to respond, I'm sure I'll be re-reading them too. Who knew a bunch of hackers would be so thoughtful and eloquent? :smile:

I went to my girlfriend's memorial last night, that helped. I saw how many people loved her, any one of which she could've reached out to...she must have been in a great deal of pain to choose not to. I kept thinking of how I'd want to be memorialized, as a loving person, full of life as she was, while I looked at all the pictures and heard all the stories.

I also learned a lot through listening and conversation with her siblings and friends how the puzzle fit together, like her brother said. She'd taken a trip a few weeks ago to go see family, and I found out she'd never actually gone back to work, she'd taken weeks off. Making plans and canceling them last minute was really common for her. We all decided that looking back, it's a lot clearer than it was while it was happening. I hear people talk about "suicide prevention," which is a great thing to discuss, but it makes it sound like suicide is as preventable by friends and family as preventing the flu is by washing your hands. I just don't think it's that simple, and it turns around and puts the responsibility on the survivors, which I don't really like. Because ultimately, someone interested in concealing their pain and trying to continue functioning is going to do that.

Ah, anyway. I hope she rests in peace, and all your loved ones you've shared with me, too. I know they will.
 
I have lived through much death in my family, it is never easy, it is always a shock and it always leaves everyone around that person feeling responsible no matter what happens. My father finally committed suicide successfully after many attempts over the years. When I was about 18 after not seeing him for at least 10 years we learned he had killed himself. Looking back on it now I realize how selfish he was to do that. It is not always true but suicide can be the ultimate expression of selfishness. Everyone left behind is left with a sense of guilt and even fear - fear of the unknown, fear of the why and how could this have happened. You can never really know what anyone else is thinking. You may think so but it is rarely true. We learn to conceal what we are really thinking and feeling so well from others. Being honest with oneself is the greatest gift you can give yourself. Being able to love and take good care of yourself is a tremendous gift to those around you who care about you. One last thing, one thing I have learned from much experience with death is that you will have recurring feelings of sadness in the future, they will come on and you may or may not remember exactly what the cause is. As long as 6-8 months after an event like this you might have those feelings return. That is normal and it is something that most people will go through. Hopefully you will not, but I certainly have at various times. Something like this is never easy for anyone to go through and although I can't say that I really know you at all it appears from what you have written here that you understand what happened enough to deal with this well. My condolences to the family and friends of the young lady who died, and hopefully everyone will be able to move forward and hold onto the good memories of her.
 
Julie

Sorry to hear of your loss.

I lost the closest person in my life to suicide. It honestly is the hardest thing I have ever dealt with. Death by some other means I would have come to grips with by now. Its changed who I am and how i think about things...some for the better and some for the worse.
I still think about it everyday, it took a long time to stop beating myself up on what i could have done to help the situation.

I urge people to be more open minded about depression...there is such a social stigma in our culture attached to this sickness and unfortunatly that prevents many people that need help from seeking it. Its needs to not be a subject of taboo. If anyone is interested, there are plenty of suicide prevention groups out there that need support and are there to help and i would gladly pass along info to anyone interested.
 
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