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The humor thread

A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a magazine.
'What was that for?' he asked. 'That was for the piece of paper in your trouser pocket with the name Laura Lou written on it,' she replied.
'Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Laura Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on, I bought you those flowers with the winnings, ' he explained.
'Oh darling, I'm sorry,' she said. 'I should have known there was a good explanation.'

Three days later he was watching TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with a frying pan, which knocked him out cold.
When he came to, he asked, 'What was that for?'
'Your horse phoned'
 
15 Sodium molecules and The Dark Knight walk into a bar. The bartender sees them and says:

Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Na, Batman
 
Jim decided to tie the knot with his longtime girlfriend. One evening, after the
honeymoon, he was cleaning his golf shoes. His wife was standing there watching
him. After a long period of silence she finally speaks.

"Honey, I've been thinking, now that we are married I think it's time you quit
golfing.
Maybe you should sell your golf clubs."

Jim gets this horrified look on his face.

She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"

He says, "There for a minute you were sounding like my ex-wife."

"Ex-wife!" she screams,

"I didn't know you were married before!"

He says, "I wasn't!"
 
WHY WOMEN SHOULDN'T TAKE MEN SHOPPING

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her
trips to Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring
and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is
like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received
the following letter from the local Target.

Dear Mrs. Samuel,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a
commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been
forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your
husband, Mr. Samuel, are listed below and are documented by our video
surveillance cameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in
other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at
5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading
to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official
voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the
employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her
Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing
management to lose time and costing the company money.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of
M&Ms on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted
area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told
the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows
and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children
obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began
crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs
were called.

9.. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used
it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department,
he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly
humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna
look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed
through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker,
he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES
AGAIN!'


And last, but not least:

15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited
awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.'
One of the clerks passed out.
 
Bob, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM.
He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.
The 10:00 PM news was coming on. The news crew was covering a
Story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"
Bob says, "You know, I bet he'll jump."
The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."
Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the
Ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.
The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob,
Saying, "Fair's fair. Here's your money."
Bob replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the
5 PM news and so I knew he would jump."
The blonde replied, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again."

Bob took the money...
 
18 Reasons why Golf is better than Sex

18 Reasons why Golf is better than Sex

I'm sorry if this offends some people, but I had to share this. My buddy sent me this and I thought it was hilarious.

1. You don’t have to sneak your golf magazines into the house.
2. If you are having trouble with golf, it is perfectly acceptable to pay a professional to show you how to improve your technique.
3. The Ten Commandments do not say anything about golf.
4. If your partner takes pictures or videotapes of you golfing, you don’t have to worry about them showing up on the Internet, then you become famous.
5. Your golf partner won’t keep asking questions about other partners you’ve golfed with.
6. It’s perfectly respectable to golf with a total stranger.
7. When you see a really good golfer, you don’t have to feel guilty about imagining the two of you golfing together.
8. If your regular golf partner isn’t available, he/she won’t object if you golf with someone else.
9. Nobody will ever tell you that you will go blind if you golf by yourself.
10. When dealing with a golf pro, you never[FONT=Times New Roman, serif]have to wonder if they are an undercover cop[/FONT]

11. You don’t have to go to a sleazy shop in a seedy neighborhood to buy golf stuff.
12. You can have a golf calendar on your wall at the office, tell golf jokes and invite co-workers to golf with you without getting sued for harassment.
13. There is no such thing as a golf transmitted disease.
14. If you want to watch golf on television, you don’t have to subscribe to a premium cable channel.
15. Nobody expects you to promise to golf with just one partner for the rest of your life.
16. Nobody expects you to give up golfing if your partner loses interest in the game.
17. You don’t have to be a newlywed to plan a vacation primarily for the enjoyment of golf.
18. Your golf partner will never say, “What? We just golfed last week! Is that all you ever think about?”
 
As funny as this is.

It's 100% false. ;)
 
I guess I'm wired differently.........but it was a good read!
 
I'd just want to go on record to say that Golf is not better!
 
Last edited:
Absolutely no chance. At all. Ever. Ask Tiger, he'll tell ya.
 
In golf, fast play is encouraged.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
 
You MUST watch this....I was crying...:

[video=youtube;lw2m-iU8gKE]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lw2m-iU8gKE&feature=youtu.be[/video]
 
wadesworld said:
You MUST watch this....I was crying...:

[video=youtube;lw2m-iU8gKE]https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lw2m-iU8gKE&feature=youtu.be[/video]
Click to expand...
I'd watch more soccer if this happened in real life.
 
I was in a Starbucks Coffee recently when my stomach started rumbling and I realized that I desperately needed to
poot. The place was packed but the music was really loud so to get relief and reduce embarrassment I timed my
poots to the beat of the music. After a couple of songs I started to feel much better. I finished my coffee and noticed that everyone was staring at me.
I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod with headphones......... and how was your day.???

This is what happens when old coots start using technology.!!!
 
One morning a blonde calls her friend and says, "Would you mind coming over and helping me out with this killer jigsaw puzzle I bought -- I can't figure out how to get started."
Her friend asks, "What's the puzzle of?"

"From the picture on the box, I'd guess it's a tiger," replied the blonde.

The friend obliges, and when he arrives the blonde greets him at the front door and then shows him the puzzle spread out all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then studies the box. Then, he turns to her and says, "I'm afraid that no matter what I do, I'm not going to be able to show you how to assemble these to look like the picture of the tiger on the box."

"Why not?" asks the disappointed ?.

"Because, you didn't buy a jigsaw puzzle...what you have here is a box of Frosted Flakes."
 
Not quite sure where to post this, but we just checked into our hotel room in Ft. Lauderdale with glass windows to the balcony. My daughter was out there, came in, I shut door, and she turned around and darted right for yes the Window. Face Plant city. I had to hold back the laughter because that there just reminded me of someone. Luckily she was more embarrassed then hurt.
 
Haha Matt glad it was more embarrassing than anything
 
A husband went to the sheriff’s department to report that his wife was missing.

Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home.

Sergeant: What is her height?

Husband: Gee, I’m not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

Sergeant: Weight?

Husband: Don’t know. Not slim, not really fat.

Sergeant: Color of eyes?

Husband: Never noticed.

Sergeant: Color of hair?

Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown.

Sergeant: What was she wearing?

Husband: Could have been a skirt or shorts. I don’t remember exactly.

Sergeant: What kind of car did she go in?

Husband: She went in my truck.

Sergeant: What kind of truck was it?

Husband: Brand new 2015 Ford F150 King Ranch 4X4 with eco-boost 5.0L V8 engine special ordered with manual transmission. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed. Custom leather seats and “Bubba” floor mats. Trailering package with gold hitch. DVD with navigation, 21-channel CB radio, six cup holders, and four power outlets. Added special alloy wheels and off-road Michelins. Wife put a small scratch on the drivers door. At this point the husband started choking up.

Sergeant: Don’t worry buddy. We’ll find your truck.
 
Today’s Short Reading From the Bible…

From Genesis: "And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the earth."

Then He made the earth round...and He laughed and laughed and laughed!
 
After getting my concealed gun permit yesterday, I went over to the local Bass Pro Shop to get a small 9mm for home protection.

When I was attempting to pay for the gun and bullets, the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."

Making a mental note to complain to the NRA about the gun control wackos running amok, I did just as she had instructed.

When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out she was referring to how I should place my credit card in the card reader.

I've been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.

The workers at Bass Pro Shop's need to make their instructions to senior citizens just a little bit clearer to older people.

And besides, I didn't think I looked that bad...
 
I had this idea that I was going to rope a deer, put it in a stall, Feed it up on corn for a couple of weeks, then kill it and eat it. The first step in this adventure was getting a deer. I figured that since they congregated at my cattle feeder and do not seem to have much fear of me when we are there (a bold one will sometimes come right up and sniff at the bags of feed while I am in the back of the truck not 4 feet away) that it should not be difficult to rope one, get up to it and toss a bag over its head (to calm it down) then hog tie it and transport it home.

I filled the cattle feeder then hid down at the end with my rope. The cattle, who had seen the roping thing before, stayed well back. They were not having any of it. After about 20 minutes my deer showed up - 3 of them. I picked out a likely looking one, stepped out from the end of the feeder, and threw my rope. The deer just stood there and stared at me. I wrapped the rope around my waist and twisted the end so I would have a good hold. The deer still just stood and stared at me, but you could tell it was mildly concerned about the whole rope situation. I took a step towards it...it took a step away. I put a little tension on the rope and received an education.

The first thing that I learned is that while a deer may just stand there looking at you funny while you rope it, they are spurred to action when you start pulling on that rope. That deer EXPLODED.

The second thing I learned is that pound for pound, a deer is a LOT stronger than a cow or a colt. A cow or a colt in that weight range I could fight down with a rope with some dignity. A deer, no chance.

That thing ran and bucked and twisted and pulled. There was no controlling it and certainly no getting close to it. As it jerked me off my feet and started dragging me across the ground, it occurred to me that having a deer on a rope was not nearly as good an idea as I originally imagined. The only up side is that they do not have as much stamina as many animals. A brief 10 minutes later, it was tired and not nearly as quick to jerk me off my feet and drag me when I managed to get up. It took me a few minutes to realize this, since I was mostly blinded by the blood flowing out of the big gash in my head.


At that point I had lost my taste for corn fed venison. I just wanted to get that devil creature off the end of that rope. I figured if I just let it go with the rope hanging around its neck, it would likely die slow and painfully somewhere. At the time, there was no love at all between me and that deer. At that moment, I hated the thing and I would venture a guess that the feeling was mutual. Despite the gash in my head and the several large knots where I had cleverly arrested the deer's momentum by bracing my head against various large rocks as it dragged me across the ground, I could still think clearly enough to recognize that there was a small chance that I shared some tiny amount of responsibility for the situation we were in, so I didn't want the deer to have it suffer a slow death so I managed to get it lined back up in between my truck and the feeder - a little trap I had set before hand. Kind of like a squeeze chute. I got it to back in there and started moving up so I could get my rope back.


Did you know that deer bite? They do! I never in a million years would have thought that a deer would bite somebody so I was very surprised when I reached up there to grab that rope and the deer grabbed hold of my wrist. Now, when a deer bites you, it is not like being bit by a horse where they just bite you and then let go. A deer bites you and shakes its head - almost like a pit bull.

They bite HARD and it hurts.


The proper thing to do when a deer bites you is probably to freeze and draw back slowly. I tried screaming and shaking instead. My method was ineffective. It seems like the deer was biting and shaking for several minutes, but it was likely only several seconds. I, being smarter than a deer (though you may be questioning that claim by now) tricked it. While I kept it busy tearing up my right arm, I reached up with my left hand and pulled that rope loose.

That was when I got my final lesson in deer behavior for the day. Deer will strike at you with their front feet. They rear right up on their back feet and strike right about head and shoulder level, and their hooves are surprisingly sharp. I learned a long time ago that when an animal like a horse strikes at you with their hooves and you can't get away easily, the best thing to do is try to make a loud noise and make an aggressive move towards the animal. This will usually cause them to back down a bit so you can escape. This was not a horse. This was a deer, so obviously such trickery would not work. In the course of a millisecond I devised a different strategy. I screamed like woman and tried to turn and run.


The reason I had always been told NOT to try to turn and run from a horse that paws at you is that there is a good chance that it will hit you in the back of the head. Deer may not be so different from horses after all, besides being twice as strong and three times as evil, because the second I turned to run, it hit me right in the back of the head and knocked me down. Now when a deer paws at you and knocks you down it does not immediately leave. I suspect it does not recognize that the danger has passed. What they do instead is paw your back and jump up and down on you while you are laying there crying like a little girl and covering your head.

I finally managed to crawl under the truck and the deer went away.


Now for the local legend. I was pretty beat up. My scalp was split open, I had several large goose eggs, my wrist was bleeding pretty good and felt broken (it turned out to be just badly bruised) and my back was bleeding in a few places, though my insulated canvas jacket had protected me from most of the worst of it. I drove to the nearest place, which was the co-op. I got out of the truck, covered in blood and dust. The guy who ran the place saw me through the window and came running out yelling "what happened"?


I have never seen any law in the state of Kansas that would prohibit an individual from roping a deer. I suspect that this is an area that they have overlooked entirely. Knowing, as I do, the lengths to which law enforcement personnel will go to exercise their power, I was concerned that they may find a way to twist the existing laws to paint my actions as criminal. I swear...not wanting to admit that I had done something monumentally stupid played no part in my response. I told him "I was attacked by a deer". I did not mention that at the time I had a rope on it. The evidence was all over my body. Deer prints on the back of my jacket where it had stomped all over me and a large deer print on my face where it had struck me there. I asked him to call somebody to come get me. I didn't think I could make it home on my own. He did. Later that afternoon, a game warden showed up at my house and wanted to know about the deer attack. Surprisingly, deer attacks are a rare thing and wildlife and parks was interested in the event. I tried to describe the attack as completely and accurately as I could. I was filling the grain hopper and this deer came out of nowhere and just started kicking the hell out of me and BIT me. It was obviously rabid or insane or something.


EVERYBODY for miles around knows about the deer attack (the guy at the co-op has a big mouth). For several weeks people dragged their kids in the house when they saw deer around and the local ranchers carried rifles when they filled their feeders. I have told several people the story, but NEVER anybody around here. I have to see these people every day and as an outsider - a "city folk" I have enough trouble fitting in without them snickering behind my back and whispering "there is the idiot that tried to rope the deer."
 
Two policemen call the station on the radio.
"Hello. Is that you Sarge?"
"Yes?"
"We have a case here. A woman has shot her husband for stepping on the floor she had just mopped clean."
"Have you arrested the woman?"
"No sir. The floor is still wet."
 
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