We've launched the new forums! Read more here

The humor thread

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank From repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.

Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, 'When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.'

The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, 'I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.'

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, it will cost 99 cents a word.' Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.
After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, 'I want you to send her the word 'comfortable.'

The operator shakes his head. 'How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word 'comfortable?'

The brunette explains, 'My sister's blonde.
The word is big.
She'll read it very slowly...

"Com-for-da-bul."


 
Hahahahaha that is awesome.
 
My one and only golf joke. I'll try to keep it PG-13.

A husband & wife go for a joint lesson on the range. The Pro introduces himself and asks the husband how he can help his game. The husband says "well I can hit it 300yrds but its either a giant hook or a giant slice." The pros says "let me see you swing." The husband tees up and SWOOSH, hits it 300 yards but its a slice way off the range. The Pro says "i see what's going on. I want you to grip that club like you're holding your wife's breasts." The husband says he can do that at SWOOSH, hits it 300 yards right down the middle.

The Pro then turns to the wife and asks "Mrs. How can I help your swing". The wife replies "well I hit it straight, but it only goes 100 yards and never gets off the ground." The Pro asks to see her swing and SWOOSH its a ground burner straight up the middle 100 yards. The Pro says "Mrs. I see what you're doing. I want you to hold the club like you're holding your husband's privates." She says she can do that and then SWOOSH, hits a drive 250 yrds down the middle. The wife looks proudly over to the Pro, whom to her surprise looks totally on shock. She says "What? You've never seen a woman hit it 250 yards?". The Pro responds "Never when she is holding the club in her mouth!"
 
After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in her seat and closed her eyes on the train.

As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice:


"Hi sweetheart. It's Eric. I'm on the train. Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting. No, honey, not with that blonde from the accounts office - With the boss. No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life. Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart!"

Fifteen minutes later, he was still talking loudly, when the young woman sitting next to him had had enough, leaned over and said into the phone,

"Eric, turn that phone off and come back to bed."

Eric doesn't use his cell phone in public any longer.
 
That is awesome, vman! So funny.
 
A guygoes to the supermarket and notices a very attractive woman waving at him.​

Shesays, 'Hello.'​

He'srather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from.
So he asks, 'Do you know me?'​

Towhich she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'​

Now hismind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife.​

So heasks, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the​

pooltable, with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt withwet celery?'​

Shelooks into his eyes and says calmly,​


'No, I'm your son's teacher.'​
 
jholl2277 said:
A guygoes to the supermarket and notices a very attractive woman waving at him.

Shesays, 'Hello.'

He'srather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from.
So he asks, 'Do you know me?'

Towhich she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'

Now hismind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife.

So heasks, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the

pooltable, with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt withwet celery?'

Shelooks into his eyes and says calmly,


'No, I'm your son's teacher.'​
Click to expand...
Ba dum tssss.
 
Here's a joke I found. I couldn't copy and paste so I took screen shots. First pic is half Second pic is last part.
Enjoy!


ImageUploadedByTapatalk1361466023.073801.jpg


ImageUploadedByTapatalk1361466032.572180.jpg
 
An 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting. When she went before the judge he asked her, "What did you steal?" She replied, "A can of peaches."

The judge then asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches, and she replied that she was hungry. The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied, "six."

The judge said, "Then I will give you six days in jail."

Before the judge could conclude the trial, the woman's husband spoke......and asked the judge if he could say something. The judge said, "What is it?"

The husband said... "She also stole a can of peas."
 
A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph’s Hospital. She timidly asked,

“Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?”
The operator said,”I’ll be glad to help, dear. What’s the name and room number of the patient?”
The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said, ”Norma Findlay, Room 302.”
The operator replied, ”Let me put you on hold while I check with the nurse’s station for that room.”
After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said, ”I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back normal and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow.”
The grandmother said,”Thank you. That is wonderful. I was so worried. God bless you for the good news.”
The operator replied,”You’re more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?”


The grandmother said,”No, I’m Norma Findlay in Room 302. No one tells me shinola.” (I cleaned up the last word)
 
A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office. The man said to the
dentist, "Doc, I'm in one heck of a hurry I have two buddies sitting
out in my car waiting for us to go play golf, so forget about the
anesthetic, I don't have time for the gums to get numb. I just want you
to pull the tooth, and be done with it! We have a 10:00 AM tee time at
the best golf course in town and it's 9:30 already... I don't have time
to wait for the anesthetic to work!'



The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness, this is surely a very
brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to
kill the pain." So the dentist asks him, "Which tooth is it sir?"




The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth Honey, and show
him ...
 
Men Teaching Classes for Women at
THE ADULT LEARNING CENTER

REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED
By April 26, 2013
NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL OF THEIR CONTENTS,
CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM .

Class 1
Up in Winter, Down in Summer - How to Adjust a Thermostat
Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hrs. beginning at 7:00 PM..

Class 2
Which Takes More Energy - Putting the Toilet Seat Down, or Bitching About It for 3 Hours?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3
Is It Possible To Drive Past a Wal-Mart Without Stopping?--Group Debate.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between a Purse and a Suitcase-- Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 5
Curling Irons--Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Bathroom Cabinet?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
At 7:00 PM

Class 6
How to Ask Questions During Commercials and Be Quiet During the Program
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Class 7
Can a Bath Be Taken Without 14 Different Kinds of Soaps and Shampoos?
Open Forum ..
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 8
Health Watch--They Make Medicine for PMS - USE IT!
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 9
I Was Wrong and He Was Right!--Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

Class 10
How to Parallel Park In Less Than 20 Minutes Without an Insurance Claim.
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday's noon, 2 hours.

Class 11
Learning to Live--How to Apply Brakes Without Throwing Passengers Through the Windshield.
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined

Class 12
How to Shop by Yourself.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.
 
A man is walking down the beach one day and comes upon a woman with no arms and no legs, crying.

The man stops and says "excuse me, m'am, what's the matter?"

The woman looks up, sobbing, and says "I'm 50 years old, with no arms and no legs, and I've never been kissed"

The man leans over, kisses her, and replies "there, now you've been kissed" and turns to walk away.

He only gets a few steps before the woman starts crying again. He stops, turns around and asks "now what's the matter?"

She says "I'm 50 years old, with no arms and no legs, and I've never been f'd"

The man picks her up, throws her in the water and says "now you're f'd"
 
The Pope has resigned, saying that at 85 he doesn't have the strength
or energy to carry out his duties.
A few months ago, at 87, Hugh Hefner married his 26 year old girlfriend.
Doesn't say much for a life of celibacy, does it?
 
h1DACE0C8
 
Wife/Husband Txt Exchange

A wife, being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text: "If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you!

The husband, typically non-romantic, replied, "I'm taking a dump. Please advise."
Sorta brings a tear to your eye doesn't it guys?

​
 
In Japan, Sony Vaio machines have replaced the impersonal and unhelpful Microsoft error messages with the following lines of Japanese Haiku poetry, each only 17 syllables:



A file that big?
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.

The Web site you seek
Can not be located but
Countless more exist.

Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.

ABORTED effort:
Close all that you have worked on.
You ask way too much.

Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.

Yesterday it worked.
Today it is not working.
Windows is like that.

First snow, then silence.
This thousand dollar screen dies
So beautifully.

With searching comes loss
And the presence of absence:
"My Novel" not found.

The Tao that is seen
Is not the true Tao, until
You bring fresh toner.

Stay the patient course.
Of little worth is your ire.
The network is down.

A crash reduces
Your expensive computer
To a simple stone.

Three things are certain:
Death, taxes, and lost data.
Guess which has occurred.

You step in the stream,
But the water has moved on.
This page is not here.

Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.

Having been erased,
The document you're seeking
Must now be retyped.

Serious error.
All shortcuts have disappeared.
Screen. Mind. Both are blank.
 
The 5 questions most feared by men are:

  1. What are you thinking about?
  2. Do you love me?
  3. Do I look fat?
  4. Do you think she is prettier than me?
  5. What would you do if I died?

What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e., tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses.

Question 1: “What are you thinking about?”
The proper answer to this, of course, is: “I’m sorry if I‘ve been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you.”

The response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following:

  1. Baseball
  2. Football
  3. Golf
  4. How fat you are
  5. How much prettier she is than you
  6. How I would spend the insurance money if you died

Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, “If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!”


[h=1]Question 2: “Do you love me?”
The proper and only response is: “YES!” or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, “Yes, dear.”[/h]
Inappropriate responses include:
a. Oh yeah, ****-loads
b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
c. That depends on what you mean by love
d. Does it matter?
e. Who, me?


[h=1]Question 3: “Do I look fat?”
The correct answer is an emphatic: “Of course not!”[/h]
Among the incorrect answers are
a. Compared to what?
b. I wouldn’t call you fat, but you’re not exactly thin
c. A little extra weight looks good on you.
d. I’ve seen fatter.
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.
[h=1]Question 4: “Do you think she is prettier than me?”
Once again, the proper response is an emphatic “Of course not!”[/h]
Incorrect responses include:
a. Yes, but you have a better personality
b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner
c. Not as pretty as you were when you were her age
d. Define pretty
e. Could you repeat the question? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.


Question 5: “What would you do if I died?”
A definite no-win question. (The real answer , of course, is “Buy a Corvette and a boat”).

No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along these lines:

WOMAN: Would you get married again?
MAN: Definitely not!

WOMAN: Why not? Don’t you like being married?
MAN: Of course I do!

WOMAN: Then why wouldn’t you remarry?
MAN: Okay, I’d get married again.

WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)
MAN: (makes audible groan)

WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
MAN: Where else would we sleep?

WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?
MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do.

WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
MAN: She can’t use them, she’s left-handed.

WOMAN: (silence)
MAN: ****.


 
A pirate walks into a bar, and the bartender says,

"Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."

"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."

"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

"Well," said the pirate, "we were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."

The bartender replied, "Well, okay, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"

The pirate explained, "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. But I'm fine, really."

"What about that eye patch?"

"Oh," said the pirate, "One day we were at sea, and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up, and one of them pooped in my eye."

"You're kidding," said the bartender. "You couldn't lose an eye just from bird poop."

"It was my first day with the hook."
 
SharkHat said:
A pirate walks into a bar, and the bartender says,

"Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."

"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."

"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

"Well," said the pirate, "we were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."

The bartender replied, "Well, okay, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"

The pirate explained, "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. But I'm fine, really."

"What about that eye patch?"

"Oh," said the pirate, "One day we were at sea, and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up, and one of them pooped in my eye."

"You're kidding," said the bartender. "You couldn't lose an eye just from bird poop."

"It was my first day with the hook."
Click to expand...

That was actually pretty funny lol
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top