The dad joke thread

Junkyard

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A burglar stole all my lamps.

I should be upset, but I'm delighted
 

Junkyard

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I invested every cent I have into a cannabis-fed cattle business.

The steaks have never been higher
 

Junkyard

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My son Luke loves that we named our children after Star Wars characters.

My daughter Chewbacca not so much
 

Junkyard

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Steal a man's wallet and he'll be poor for a day.

But teach him to play an instrument and he'll be poor for the rest of his life
 

Junkyard

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You gotta hand it to short people.
Because they can't reach it
 

Junkyard

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My friend said "My kid refuses to eat fish. What do you think is a good replacement?"

Me: Cats. Cats love fish
 

Turtlerancher

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Junkyard

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Give a man a fish and you will feed him for a day.

Teach a man to fish and he will spend a fortune on gear he will only use twice a year
 

Junkyard

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My landlord texted me to tell me that we needed to meet up to talk about how high my heating bill is.

I replied back "Sure, my door is always open!"
 

Junkyard

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Junkyard

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What is the inventor of hand sanitizer doing right now?

Rubbing his hands
 

Junkyard

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I tried to sue the airline for misplacing my luggage....

I lost my case
 

Junkyard

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I ate a kids meal at McDonald's today.

His Mom got really angry
 

J.B. Cobb III

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My wife says I'm getting fat, but in my defense I’ve had a lot on my plate recently!
 

fairwaynut

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I asked people what this symbol + means.

No they are divided.
 

J.B. Cobb III

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I told my therapist I can’t get the Grease soundtrack out of my head... He said “tell me more”.
 

fairwaynut

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What kind of tea is hard to swallow?

Reality.
 

WICHITAREJECT

which ones are the senior tees?
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At the Sony Open this weekend, loud laughing is not permitted........just a low ha!!
 

fairwaynut

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A truck loaded with Vick's Vaporub overturned on the highway.

Amazing, there was no congestion for eight hours.
 

fairwaynut

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I'm reading a horror story in Braille. Something bad is going to happen, I can feel it.
 

J.B. Cobb III

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I was on a diabetes awareness website and it asked me if I accept cookies... Is this a trick question?
 

J.B. Cobb III

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When my wife found me playing with my son’s train set, I was so embarrassed that I threw a bedsheet over it. I think I managed to cover my tracks.
 

Afizzle2100

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I’m not a chef, but boyardees women crazy, am I right?


 

Reframmellator

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A rancher had 48 cows, but when he rounded them up, he had 50.
 

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