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The dad joke thread

A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark

So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
 
I recently lost my job as a masseuse. I guess I just rub people the wrong way.
 
I've just written a new song about tortillas.

Actually it's more of a Rap.
 
How much is a piercing for a pirate?

About a buccaneer
 
I used to think that sticks and stones may break my bones, but words could never hurt me... until I fell into the printing press..
 
He used to be a quiet, reserved guy... Then he made a spectacle of himself when he fell into the Lens Grinder.
 
If April showers bring May flowers, What do May flowers bring? Pilgrims, they bring Pilgrims!
 
I saw a microbiologist today. He was much bigger than I expected.
 
What’s the worst thing about having a job at the unemployment office? If you get fired, you still have to show up the next day.
 
No more Suez Canal jokes! That ship has sailed
 
My wife and I decided to order out and have a nice quiet dinner at home. So when I came in with the food, I said, "Je t'adore!"

She said, "Shut it yourself!"
 
Two pickles fell out of a jar onto the floor.
What did one say to the other?
Dill with it!!!
 
What happened when the cast of 'Friends' were stuck out at sea in a life raft? They were fine because Lisa Kudrow.
 
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords. So I had to ground him. He's doing better currently. And conducting himself properly
 
J.B. Cobb III said:
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords. So I had to ground him. He's doing better currently. And conducting himself properly
Click to expand...

Good to see he's not resisting.
 
I was reading a new music history paper tonight in which the author argued that Johann Sebastian Bach frequented gentlemen's clubs, and one of his visits inspired his famous Air on a G String.
 
Just heard a man had an accident while playing peek-a-boo! He's currently in the ICU!
 
My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is starting to improve.
 
What did the stamp say to the envelope?

Stick with me and we'll go places together.
 
What do you call a jungle cat who can't hear?



Def Leapord.
 
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