Most Excellent.
The humor thread
Richard Rodgers
Member
A woman takes a shower one night. Whilst getting dry she looks at the size of her breasts and decides they need to be bigger.
Says to husband "my breasts need to be bigger"
"Why don't you rub toilet tissue between them, but it may take some time" he says.
"Surely that can't work" she replys.
To which he replied "believe me darling, it worked great with your butt !!!!!!"
sent using Tapatalk for Android
Says to husband "my breasts need to be bigger"
"Why don't you rub toilet tissue between them, but it may take some time" he says.
"Surely that can't work" she replys.
To which he replied "believe me darling, it worked great with your butt !!!!!!"
sent using Tapatalk for Android
RonInThornton
LEFTIES UNITE!!!
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver a...nd he had the man arrested. The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself. The man replied, 'Well your Honor, it was like this: when the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, 'Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, 'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself. But, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident!' ... I just lost it.' 'CASE DISMISSED!!'
NebHusker
Kappa Alpha Order
What do Christmas lights and Obama voter have in common? They all hang together, half of them don't work and half of them aren't very bright!
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Im in tears over here, what a way to start a Friday!
MattyKrack17
MattyCaulk AkA DigDug
Bahaha that's classic!
Sent from my DROID X2 using Tapatalk
Sent from my DROID X2 using Tapatalk
A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan
desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find
water, he hurried toward the oasis, only to find a little old Jewish man
at a small stand, selling ties...
The Taliban asked, "Do you have water?"
The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie?
They are only $25."
The Taliban shouted, "You Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie. I
need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!"
"OK," said the little old Jewish man, "It does not matter that you do
not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am
bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about
a mile, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the ice cold
water you need. Shalom."
Cursing, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.
Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead, and said:
"You little $%&#@, your brother won't let me in without a tie....."
INgolfer
Internet Golfer
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team’s bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked it. “Oh, I really liked it,” she replied, “especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn’t understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents.” Dumbfounded, her boyfriend asked, “What do you mean?” “Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was… ‘Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!’ She was like …… Helloooooo? It’s only 25 cents!!!!”
My boss phoned me today
He said, "Is everything okay at the office?"
I said, "Yes, it's all under control. It's been a very busy day, I
haven't stopped."
"Can you do me a favor?" he asked.
I said, "Of course, what is it?"
He said, "Hurry up and take your shot, I'm in the foursome behind you."
He said, "Is everything okay at the office?"
I said, "Yes, it's all under control. It's been a very busy day, I
haven't stopped."
"Can you do me a favor?" he asked.
I said, "Of course, what is it?"
He said, "Hurry up and take your shot, I'm in the foursome behind you."
Hanks
On the Fringe
My salary.....
^^^^^^ I Tapped That.....On My iPad ^^^^^^
^^^^^^ I Tapped That.....On My iPad ^^^^^^
Smallville
#ICanHitADraw
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LOLOL!
DawgDaddy
Old Coot
I like it. lol
Need a laugh today? Take a minute to watch:
DawgDaddy
Old Coot
Hunter was 4 years old and was staying with his grandfather for a few days.
He'd been playing outside with the other kids, when he came into the house and asked , 'Grandpa, what's that called when two people sleep in the same bedroom and one is on top of the other?' His Grandpawas a little taken aback, but he decided to tell him the truth. 'Well, Hunter, it's called sexual intercourse.’
‘Oh,’ Little Hunter said, 'OK,' and went back outside to play with the other kids.
A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily,'Grandpa, it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds. And Tommy’s mom wants to talk to you.'
He'd been playing outside with the other kids, when he came into the house and asked , 'Grandpa, what's that called when two people sleep in the same bedroom and one is on top of the other?' His Grandpawas a little taken aback, but he decided to tell him the truth. 'Well, Hunter, it's called sexual intercourse.’
‘Oh,’ Little Hunter said, 'OK,' and went back outside to play with the other kids.
A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily,'Grandpa, it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds. And Tommy’s mom wants to talk to you.'
Last edited:
Damaikis
Fairway Finder
That's an awesome joke DD. Very funny.
Damaikis
Fairway Finder
I can't get the whole thing to copy and paste right. Gimme a few...
CharlieMoy
Well-known member
Damaikis
Fairway Finder
AHA, got it... That was an ordeal.
A man was walking down the street when he was approached by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.
The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, “If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?”
“No, I had to stop drinking years ago,” the homeless man replied.
“Will you spend this on green fees at a golf course instead of food?” the man asked.
“Are you NUTS!” replied the homeless man. “I haven’t played golf in 20 years!”
“Well,” said the man, “I’m not going to give you money. Instead, I’m going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife.”
The homeless man was astounded. “Won’t your wife be furious with you for doing that?
The man replied, “That’s okay. It’s important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking and golf!
A man was walking down the street when he was approached by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.
The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, “If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?”
“No, I had to stop drinking years ago,” the homeless man replied.
“Will you spend this on green fees at a golf course instead of food?” the man asked.
“Are you NUTS!” replied the homeless man. “I haven’t played golf in 20 years!”
“Well,” said the man, “I’m not going to give you money. Instead, I’m going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife.”
The homeless man was astounded. “Won’t your wife be furious with you for doing that?
The man replied, “That’s okay. It’s important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking and golf!
Kobey
I'm a French model
Couldn't find this one on here. Oldie but goodie.
Two guys are sitting at a bar. One says, "How was your golf game today?" The other says, "Terrible. On the second tee Jim had a heart attack."
That's awful!
Tell me about it, all day long it was hit the ball, drag Jim, hit the ball, drag Jim.
Two guys are sitting at a bar. One says, "How was your golf game today?" The other says, "Terrible. On the second tee Jim had a heart attack."
That's awful!
Tell me about it, all day long it was hit the ball, drag Jim, hit the ball, drag Jim.
DawgDaddy
Old Coot
One winter morning at breakfast a couple was listening to the radio. They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8-10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through." The wife went out and moved her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10-12 inches of snow today, you will need to move your car to the odd-numbered side of the street so the snowplow can get through." So the wife went out and moved her car again.
The next week, while they were eating breakfast, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 12-14 inches of snow today and you must park..." Then the power went off! The wife was very upset. With a worried look on her face she said, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street am I supposed to park on?"
With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, her husband said,
"Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time.
A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10-12 inches of snow today, you will need to move your car to the odd-numbered side of the street so the snowplow can get through." So the wife went out and moved her car again.
The next week, while they were eating breakfast, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 12-14 inches of snow today and you must park..." Then the power went off! The wife was very upset. With a worried look on her face she said, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street am I supposed to park on?"
With the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, her husband said,
"Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time.
capt.dru
Well-known member
Golfing Accident
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in
horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men
playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He
immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the
ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to
apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and
I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.
'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man
replied... He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still
clasping his hands there at his groin.
At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She
gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened
his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and
artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does
that feel'?
He replied: It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken!
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in
horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men
playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He
immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the
ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to
apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and
I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.
'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man
replied... He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still
clasping his hands there at his groin.
At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She
gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened
his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and
artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does
that feel'?
He replied: It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken!
DawgDaddy
Old Coot
A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut ?
The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, 'About 2 hours.'
The guy left.
A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?'
The barber looked around at the shop and said, 'About 3 hours.'
The guy left.
A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?
The barber looked around the shop and said, 'About an hour and a half .
The guy left.
The barber turned to his friend and said, 'Hey, Bob, do me a favor , follow him and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but he never comes back.'
A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.
The barber asked, 'So, where does he go when he leaves?'
Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said,
'Your house!
The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, 'About 2 hours.'
The guy left.
A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?'
The barber looked around at the shop and said, 'About 3 hours.'
The guy left.
A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?
The barber looked around the shop and said, 'About an hour and a half .
The guy left.
The barber turned to his friend and said, 'Hey, Bob, do me a favor , follow him and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but he never comes back.'
A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.
The barber asked, 'So, where does he go when he leaves?'
Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said,
'Your house!
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Dude, I read this on my shaving forum the other day! Great joke.